Once again, I find myself a slave to technology. First it was the DVD, then the Tivo, and now I'm shackled to the XM Radio.

I've owned an XM since 2002, but since I was getting very little use out of it, I turned the service off a few years ago. Recently I've found myself doing a fair amount of driving, so the radio is back on! What have I missed in my absence, you may ask? Well... apparently MC Lyte and Marley Marl are the two most popular classic hip-hop artists of all time, Vern Gosdin has written more songs that Ryan Adams on a coke binge, and you weren't allowed to release a song in the late 80's or early 90's unless you were really, really white.

Not just Caucasian, I'm talking about REALLY white... roughly the shade of Ryan Adams' nostrils during a particularly prolific songwriting binge.

Honestly, the 90's were the decade of the white man. Now, not to say that essentially every decade up until this point hasn't been essentially the decade of the white man, but the 90's was somehow worse... it was the decade of the white man that grew up in the mall. I'm ashamed of myself for some of the albums I owned in that time period. Howard Jones comes to mind, as does George Michael, but recently (this morning on the way to work) I came to an important decision. I think I may have determined the exact moment that whiteness in American music peaked... September 26, 1995, the release of the FRIENDS soundtrack.

This album is without a doubt the finest example of watered-down, soccer-mom jams ever assembled on one record. I think that Perry Como actually had more soul. Just in case you're having trouble recalling the heavy-hitters that rocked Monica's loft, let's run down the list and see who we've got. Well, there's Toad The Wet Sprocket, The Barenaked Ladies, Joni Mitchell, Hootie and the Blowfish (ironically, the whitest band on the list thus far) and of course, The Rembrandts.

If that's not blue-eyed soul, I don't know what is.

Ahhh yes, The Rembrandts. If you're having trouble remembering these guys, they're the bards that treated us to that sonic masterpiece, "I'll Be There For You." Now, I won't sit here and pretend that I don't think the show is funny. Friends is a damn funny show and I'll still find myself glued to the television if TBS kicks up one of those out-of-nowhere six day Friends marathons. However, I've gotten to the point (and this happened somewhere around October of '95) that I'd rather look at Daxon's "etchings" than hear that blasted song again.

For a second I actually believed that I'd made it through that decade without one single person I knew owning that album. Then it hit me... Kevin Hall. I almost made it out without that particular scar until I realized that SK Hall himself bought a copy of that soundtrack, and I've probably heard it in its entirety. Granted, he picked it up for the Toad and Hootie (I hope), but looking back on it does that really help things?

It should be pointed out that Kevin, despite owning history's most crackerfied record, isn't the whitest person I know... in fact, Kevin grew up on the mean streets... in fact, Kevin may be the most gangstafied person I know. Kevin was one of the founding members of N.W.A., but if I remember correctly he was thrown out... something about being "too street." What? You don't believe me? Well, let the pictures speak for themselves!

As you can CLEARLY see above, Kevin and Eazy-E remained close after the breakup of N.W.A. It was, however, a friendship that would end badly. Kevin and Eazy found themselves at odds again a few years later when a bitter paternity suit managed to pit them against each other. The argument was never settled, and the two never spoke again. In one of his last acts before his life was claimed by the AIDS epidemic, Eazy sought out revenge on Kevin by releasing this photograph:

This photo, released in 1993, did immeasurable damage to Kevin's street-cred and undoubtedly drove him into whiteness at full force. To this day he hasn't recovered... he owns a Jack Bauer for President t-shirt.

Of course, it wasn't just the early 90's that got it all wrong when it came to whiteness. Whiteness in music was certainly popular in the 1980's as well. The decade that gave us Huey Lewis, Steve Winwood solo records and Hall & Oates just can't simply be let off the hook. But, of all the dreadful crap to ever be generated in that ten-year span, I think the most bothersome trend to usher out the 80's was the use of the word "bad" to mean "good."

Once again, I'll confess that I'm as guilty as anyone else of using it, and it really wasn't that bad (used in the literal sense) when it started. However, like anything else, whitey co-opted the slang and managed to use it to describe things that, well, just really weren't all that bad (meant in the slang sense).

For example, let's take a look at the most famous instance of some white guy stealing the aforementioned phrase and screwing it all to hell:


Honestly, have you ever seen anything less "bad" than that in your life? I mean it. In the history of things that aren't "bad," this particular image is like the Shroud of Turin. I'd point out exactly what is so terribly un-bad about this whole thing, but if you need me to do that then you probably got so terribly pissed off over the Friends soundtrack issue that you haven't made it this far.

Of course, the overuse and bastardization of the word didn't die with Michael Jackson (who, may I remind you, somehow got Martin Scorsese to direct that video). We started making everything in society "bad." I'm fairly sure I can even remember my grandmother using that word on at least one occasion, and I can assure you that she wasn't bad... not even one bit... or maybe she was. I'm so damned confused by where we are with that word right now that I'm not sure who is or isn't bad. Although, I'm fairly sure of one thing, this guy isn't bad... not at all, and certainly not BADD!

I'm not sure which of those two guys I was supposed to color badd, or which one intends to sex me up, so I think I'll just play it safe and back out of this parking lot slowly. Honestly, it looks like Kenny G is trying to flee a miniaturized Clarence Clemmons dressed in a Judge Dredd uniform. Not one thing, I repeat, not ONE SINGLE THING about Color Me Badd is, in fact, badd. I'm not sure what these guys are doing now, but I'd bet that the guy that did the deep, "YEAH" sounds in the background of "All For Love" is probably the most content with himself, being the least recognizable one of the group vocally.

Hell, in that day and time we had to make everything just a little badder. We took it to terrible extremes, at one point even making our dudes bad. Come on now, not our DUDES!

I'm sorry, but these dudes just aren't going to cut it. I don't like my dudes to be bad, I like my dudes like this.

Then, of all things, to send these "Bad Dudes" out to save the President of the United States? I'll tell you what, if I'm ever the president (and kidnapped) I hope that my safety and the safety of the free world doesn't revolve around two dudes of this nature.

What started as a warm and fuzzy love song to XM Radio has now evolved into a rant on Bad Dudes... it's amazing that I can perform even the simplest of tasks with this kind of attention span. Feel free to add your own thoughts on things that were bad that shouldn't have been, other great whitey music, Kevin's hip-hop career or tips and tricks for playing Bad Dudes. That's what blogs are for, sharing utterly useless information.