It's the new year, and as countless movie nerds throughout the country toss out their old calendars, conversations start to turn to the upcoming Academy Awards races. Granted, the Oscars don't really pack the punch that they once did, as every year some deserving artist loses out to some sort of mindless, sympathetic trash. This year will probably be no different, and the "I can't believe that _______ wasn't even nominated!" game will start within seconds of the announcements. I'd like to throw out a best picture demand in advance, and when it's snubbed I'll feel justified in skipping the Oscars this year... brace yourself for Zyzzyx Road!

This may be the "under the radar" picture to end all "under the radar" pictures. Not because it's being overlooked by the Academy, not because it lacks potent star-power to get the attention of the masses and not even because it's particularly good. Frankly, I haven't seen it. However, I'm certainly not alone in having missed this one... you see, Zyzzyx Road (which, incidentally, is giving my spell-checker fits) only brought in a whopping $30 at the box office.

I'm not kidding, that's not a typo... this film brought in thirty dollars at the box office. Assuming that on average a movie ticket runs about ten bucks in most theaters, we can safely assume that three people actually saw this film. Granted, if the tickets were cheap we could get up to as many as six, but certainly no more than that. This brings new meaning to the phrase, "no one saw this film," really, no one did see this film. Zyzzyx Road has three main "stars," clearly even those three people didn't see this film. The extras didn't even bother to see it. The extras' mothers didn't even bother to see it.

According to IMDB, the estimated budget of the film was $2,000,000. In the world of fiscal disasters, could ANYTHING rival an investment of two million dollars, of which thirty were recovered? From time to time you'll see a store open up in your neighborhood, it doesn't seem to really take off and then a few months later the doors close. Look, even in that circumstance, the owners can still sell the equipment and the building.

So, what kind of film could possibly generate such a disaster? Well, here's the plot, also from IMDB:

Grant is an accountant with a bad marriage and a daughter whom he loves. He takes to the road to service his accounts in Las Vegas. While there he meets seductive Marissa. They have a week-long affair which culminates in the arrival of Marissa's ex-boyfriend, Joey. Joey attempts to kill the lovers, but Grant gets the upper hand. Grant and Marissa then drive Joey's body to Zyzzyx Road and Grant buries Joey in the desert there. But in the morning the body is missing and something is trying to kill Grant and Marissa. In the DEATH OF A SALESMAN meets LOLITA ending, Zyzzyx Rd. reveals a shocking, tragic twist.

Are you kidding me!?

Perhaps one of the problems was the crew's inability to properly spell the name of the road in question.

A friend of mine that has worked on screenplays in the past, and as such was privy to "under development" titles, once told me of a storyline that was described as "Romeo and Juliet, but with clogging." I felt fairly certain that I'd never hear of a more ridiculous plot twist, that is until I heard of the shocking "Death of a Salesman" meets "Lolita" climax in Zyzzyx Road. But, of course, who better to sell this type of picture than the mighty Tom Sizemore.

These days it's actually more impressive to get through a film with Tom Sizemore than it is to actually make money with a Tom Sizemore film. Between drug/alcohol binges and the endless stream of hookers, just getting Tom onto the set should be grounds for at least a Golden Globe nomination.

Y'know, we've really reached an interesting point in this country when it comes to sex and fame. You may recall that a while back a sex tape featuring Mr. Sizemore and an assortment of nubile young ladies hit the internet. Now, for whatever reason, be it morbid curiosity or a genuine desire to see a middle-aged, out of shape, past-his-prime actor shag the daylights out of some poor young woman, people didn't hesitate to drop a few bucks to check out streaming feeds or even download this cinematic masterpiece. So, we've found ourselves at the point where we'd rather see Tom Sizemore the porn star than Tom Sizemore the actor.

Of course, that type of thing makes sense when you're talking about Paris Hilton or Pamela Anderson (or Lee or Rock or whatever the hell she is this week), but have you SEEN Tom Sizemore?

The more I think about it, the more that whole "Lolita" tie in to the shocking twist makes sense. Perhaps, realizing that they were cranking out a disaster of a film, the studio just decided to cut in a few minutes of Tom's sex tape at the end. The audience probably wouldn't notice, and it might entice at least three or four more people into the theater, thus doubling the box office take.

Just to put all of this into perspective, when I was in high school I made a crappy student film for a project. It featured earthquakes, car chases and my friend Howard dressed like God sitting in an Oak tree... I know for a fact that at least thirty people saw it. This makes me a more successful director than John Penney (who oversaw the creation of Zyzzyx Road) in at least one calendar year. I thought of using that logic to petition the production company for a three-picture deal, until I noticed that it was produced by "Zyzzyx LLC."

... I don't even know where to start making jokes about that, so I'll just stop right now.