You've got a NASCAR, is it fast enough so we can fly away?

Yep, that's right y'all, over the weekend I had my very first NASCAR experience. No, I didn't head down to the Daytona 500, I did however manage to find the only place in America LOUDER than the race itself. You see, I'm not what you'd call a NASCAR fan. Don't get me wrong, I appreciate the talent that it takes to drive one of those things. I promise you that if I was dropped off on the track and asked to drive at 200 mph in a tight space with 30 other guys for three hours I'd first soil myself, then get out of the car and walk away.

Now, having said that, I would also like to say that I can't think of anything more boring than a NASCAR race. As my friend Shane once said, "If I wanted to watch cars drive in a circle for three hours I'd just save my money and stare at New Circle Road all day (a very busy and very round road in Lexington, KY (for my out of town readers))." I can see the excitement for the first 20 laps and the last 20 laps, but the 160 laps in the middle, eh, not getting it.

However, I'm in an ever shrinking part of the population. It seems that more and more people fall in love with this sport every year, MANY of them female. It's actually a fact that NASCAR is the only American sport where female viewers outnumber male viewers. Any of my female readers care to explain this? It's even gotten to the point states are issuing NASCAR plates to their citizens. I saw one of these while visiting family in West Virginia over the holidays and nearly cried, but now I see that Mississippi has joined in on the fun (thank God, now WV can go back to it's rightful home as 3rd most redneck American state, sorry Mississippi and Arkansas).

It seems that these days everyone's getting in on the action... and why not? NASCAR is big business with big ratings and I'd imagine big revenue for anyone willing to slap their logo on the front of a car. Of course you do run the risk of losing your investment in the first major left turn, but just think how much the advertising has done for... uhm, DuPont. I mean, DuPont's products are through the roof, and, uhm... the shelves at Wal-Mart are lined with DuPonts. In fact, just the other day I was out shopping for TV Dinners and thought, "oh hell, I'm out of DuPonts, and I'd better pick up some cotton too."

Even Jesus is getting into the act these days, because really, are you going to bump JESUS off of the track? Only if your name's JEFF GORDON.

Jesus apparently also supports Interstate Batteries and Wellbutrin XL, now THAT'S marketing.

But, I must say, it's the communal appeal that must draw people to this extravaganza. You load up the RV, hit the road and wake up somewhere near Bristol. You unpack and suddenly you're surrounded by thousands of like-minded individuals, all thirsty for mangled vehicles and blood. It's a non-judgmental atmosphere, a place where you can be comfortable in your own skin, a place where you can make jokes about Jeff Gordon's sexuality. Even a place where a sign like this is showered with praise.

I don't even know where to begin to make fun of this sign... I guess a picture really is worth a thousand words.

So, there you have it. I hate NASCAR. Commence the stone throwing at your convenience... BUT, before you do, remember that at least I did watch almost 170 laps before coming to that conclusion. Nah, that's alright, throw your stones, it really does suck.