In the proud tradition of great sportswriters (and much to the chagrin of great sportswriters) I have decided to offer up a play-by-play analysis of the 2006 Superbowl! Now, for those of you that immediately tune out when you see the word “football” in one of these posts, never fear, it’s filled with far more of the bitching and complaining that you’ve grown to know and love than it is actual football talk.

So here we go.

6:05 - Aaron Neville, Aretha Franklin and Dr. John join forces to bless us all with what seemed to be a nearly endless National Anthem. Look, there’s Secretary of State Condoleeza Rice! The look on her face clearly says, “I love this country, and I really wish they’d been able to get Garth Brooks for the anthem.”

6:08 – A quick check of the other networks is in order. What’s more fun than checking out what the other guys have decided to run against the highest rated night of television of the year? The winner this year, TBS. Apparently the folks at TBS decided not to make use of Seinfeld, Friends, Sex & The City or even Family Guy, instead rolling out an 8 hour marathon of “Yes, Dear.” This move being the television executive’s equivalent to wearing sweatpants in public.

6:15 – Harrison Ford brings us an unusual Dr. Seuss related “do it for the kids” thingamajig. It seems as if these days Harrison will essentially take the first role that he’s offered that day, in fact, he’s driving me to the grocery store tomorrow.

6:20 – The first ad for the Grey’s Anatomy post-game episode. I’ve never seen the show, but the commercials are going to give me nightmares. I guess I’ll have to tune in to find out what “code black” actually is… as will Condoleeza.

6:26 – The first play of the game and the first appearance of Troy Polamalu’s hair… I’m glad that I upgraded to the widescreen television before the game.

6:38 – In their first Superbowl ad of the season, Sierra Mist has managed to find the one key element that’s been keeping their ads from being the worst on television… that’s right, Kathy Griffin.

6:45 – Toyota debuts a hybrid commercial that sends me into a diabetic coma, the next five minutes are a blur.

6:50 – Pittsburgh three and out, Roethlisberger looks a little fuzzy, hmm…

6:53 – Darrell Jackson ties the Superbowl first quarter record with five receptions.

6:37 – Seattle kicks one through the uprights to take the lead, 3-0.

7:03 – The first appearance of Kiss’ “Detroit Rock City” over a shot of the city, I can’t believe that it took this long.

7:10 – Is there a better name in professional sports than Max Strong? As a boy he really only had two career options, football player or secret identity.

7:12 – WTVQ splits the screen to bring us the local school closing update brought to you by Jack Kain Ford. Clearly Mr. Kain has spent the last few days doing “snow dances” in the parking lot, thus receiving history’s cheapest Superbowl ad.

7:14 – A very hungry Jerome Bettis makes his first appearance, runs for two yards and returns to the bench for a hoagie.

7:19 – Roethlisberger throws an interception, perhaps seeing double coverage?

7:25 – Fade to commercial Antwaan Randle El lying on the field in pain, however not nearly as much pain as I find myself in after viewing an ad for Disney’s remake of “The Shaggy Dog” starring Tim Allen.

7:28 – Suzy Kolber joins us for an update on injured Seahawk, Marguand Manuel. “They had to take him off the field to pull his pants down and tape up his groin,” says a matter of fact Kolber from the sideline. This is only made funnier by the fact that it’s now a voiceover with Manuel on the screen, on the bike, loosening up and having no idea what’s being broadcast to the world.

7:39 – Big Ben seems to have shaken his hangover and rushes in for a touchdown. Not a real touchdown mind you, but one of those wacky touchdowns that only the Pittsburgh Steelers seem to get.

7:49 – In the first “what the hell” moment of the evening, Seattle runs the ball then proceeds to run the clock down ten seconds in the closing seconds of the first half… Rod Sperling seen grinning on the sideline.

8:03 – Kevin calls. After a brief discussion about Bill Cowher’s daughters’ chins and Mike Holmgren’s general frumpiness the conversation twists to Grey’s Anatomy. You know that the first half of the Superbowl has been less than exciting when you spend halftime speculating as to what “code black” could be.

8:08 – The animatronic horrors known as The Rolling Stones take the stage… will it be a medley? Only time will tell! Charlie Watts was replaced years ago by the “Billy Bob” robot from Showbiz Pizza, however with modern technological advancement the rest are actual cyborgs. On a side note, did anyone else notice that apparently Clarence Clemmons has joined the Stones lineup? I’m no Rolling Stones expert, but I don’t remember a large black man being part of the group. It also appeared to be someone’s job to keep him off camera as much as possible… really, Janet Jackson’s nipple had more airtime than this poor guy.

8:32 – Willie Parker (or “Fast” Willie Parker as John Madden said roughly 20 times) charges for a 75 yard touchdown run, the longest in Superbowl history, I begin to consider joining up with the “Yes, Dear” marathon.

8:47 – Jerome Bettis runs for 11 yards, his longest rush in 150 seasons… he then crawls back to the bench to vomit.

8:52 – Seattle Seahawk Kelly Herndon intercepts a Roethlisberger pass for a 76 yard return, the longest in history. Perhaps Hines Ward won’t be strolling to the MVP trophy after all.

8:54 – Touchdown Seattle, the ratings at TBS plummet.

9:01 – Rocky Bernard goes out with an injured hamstring. John Madden is heard saying, “What do you think they were looking at when they made him take his pants off? You don’t check a hamstring that way.” At this point I’d encourage you to look back to 7:28… I’ll give you a second… back? Ok, now, WHO IN THE HELL ARE THESE DOCTORS?!

9:15 – Sprint unveils a commercial featuring the classic Benny Hill theme, “Yakkity Sax,” quite possibly the highlight of the entire Superbowl.

9:20 – A bad holding call knocks Seattle back from the 1 yard line, which leads to a sack, which leads to an interception, which leads to a ludicrous penalty and Pittsburgh now has the ball at the forty yard line. You know that it’s bad when even John Madden is raising his eyebrow.

9:28 – Randle El pulls a play out of the “NFL Blitz” videogame playbook and completes the first touchdown pass ever thrown by a receiver in the Superbowl to, of course, Hines Ward. In other news, on a very special “Yes, Dear,” Kim has trouble adjusting when Christine and Jimmy moved next door and make new friends… sounds interesting.

9:32 – Fumble madness featuring Matt Hasselbeck. Will it be overturned? The ref’s are waiting to make sure that Bill Cowher’s check clears before deciding.

9:36 – The check bounces, the call is overturned. To Cowher’s credit, with the money he’s already spent on a few earlier calls and the cosmetic chin-reductions for his daughters anyone would be strapped for cash.

9:53 – Seattle has the ball, down by two scores with no timeouts. Well, at least we’re getting closer to the “emotional goodbye from Jerome Bettis.”

10:02 – The Pittsburgh Steelers hoist the Lombardi trophy, I begin banging my head against the wall in preparation for the movie of the week.

Thus bringing us to the end of the 2005-06 NFL Football season and the beginning of the “Cory begins defending his lukewarm feelings for the Cincinnati Reds to Cody and Aaron” season. At least for those of you that grow tired of mile long football posts you get a reprieve for a few months.

Oh, and I won’t give away the secret of “code black” since I know that some of you are waiting to watch the videotaped or tivo’ed version. But I will tell you that for a show set in a hospital during a major crisis, Grey’s Anatomy certainly seems to feature an inordinate amount of half-naked women. So see, silver lining!