I have a few things on my mind.

This afternoon I'd like to bring a few things to your attention. They range from funny to scary, depending on your mood and sense of humor. Unfortunately, none of them are being widely reported.

... but to be fair, the first one really shouldn't be, it's much closer to funny than scary.

Let's start with a congressional race in Pennsylvania. I should preface this by saying that I have never seen one second of "The Apprentice," so I have absolutely no idea who he is. However, I can say that he's probably the only man on the planet that makes Tucker Carlson look like one of the Hell's Angels.

The putz pictured above was apparently a member of the cast of the hit show, "The Apprentice." He lost. Somehow losing at a television show in which multiple-bankruptcy-filer Donald Trump decides your fate in the corporate world makes someone a viable candidate for political office. That's funny right, I mean surely we wouldn't elect a guy that couldn't even come close to holding his own in the private sector to run our country... now would we?

Anyway, this marketing genius has decided that the best way to make a point about the dangers of illegal immigration in this country (one that I'm sure he suffers from daily while living in Philadelphia) is to ride an elephant across the Mexican border while being followed by a mariachi band. Once again, life becomes entirely too strange to have been scripted.

Of course, the true beauty of this is that he actually brought the creatures through the border legally and hired the mariachi band in Texas. Sooooo, I guess that's really not that dramatic after all... it just results in the priceless image of a jackass riding an elephant. I have no idea how much this cost, but to me it's worth every penny.

Moving on down the chain from "idiotic" to "scary, but not really surprising," we have a report from Newsweek International that the United States (under the direction of our fearless leader) may have actually been the ones to foul-up our negotiations with Kim Jong Il and the North Korean government.

Apparently we made some promises to Lil' Kim that we didn't intend on keeping. AND, just to prove exactly how serious we were about not keeping those promises, we broke them in a matter of days. Enjoy this quote from the aforementioned article:

On Sept. 19, 2005, North Korea signed a widely heralded denuclearization agreement with the United States, China, Russia, Japan and South Korea. Pyongyang pledged to "abandon all nuclear weapons and existing nuclear programs." In return, Washington agreed that the United States and North Korea would "respect each other's sovereignty, exist peacefully together and take steps to normalize their relations."

Four days later, the U.S. Treasury Department imposed sweeping financial sanctions against North Korea designed to cut off the country's access to the international banking system, branding it a "criminal state" guilty of counterfeiting, money laundering and trafficking in weapons of mass destruction.

Now THAT sounds like normalization of relations if I've ever heard it. So, to the surprise of what I would have to assume is no one, our government is in some way directly linked to this entire damn North Korea abandons peace talks crap. So, now we'll throw more sanctions at them. These people are already living on a healthy diet of grass soup and whatever happens to crawl into their bed at night... so yeah, economic sanctions are probably the key to starting a revolution up there.

And finally, as we move from "scary, but not really surprising" to "holy crap those guys are scary" we make our way to, you guessed it, Israel!

The wacky Israelis are at it again, this time testing all kinds of interesting new "less lethal" weapons on innocent West Bank protestors. Israel would like to take this opportunity to remind you that they are a democratic nation and welcome free speech and the open exchange of ideas. Now that we've got that out of the way, let's screw with the Muslims!

It appears that "less lethal" rubber bullets just aren't enough these days, even though they often (rather often) tend to be considerably less of the "less" and more of the "lethal."

Nah, Israel has decided to step it up a notch, covering non-violent protesters with some sort of blue dye. I have no idea what this stuff is, and I'd imagine that our non-violent protesters do either, but I can assure you that when the government you're protesting starts blasting you with some sort of mystery-liquid, it's rarely going to be a good thing. I'm sure we'll hear about how this chemical causes birth defects or cancer in a few years, but hell, that's a few years from now... no time to worry about that, especially when your president may be facing rape charges.

I guess very little of this matters, as the entire planet seems to have gone crazy. I'm going to just curl up on the couch with the new Chuck Klosterman book, a glass of bourbon and some chicken wings, wake me up when it's all over.