EVERYBODY PANIC!

I'm not the type to get worked into a frenzy over ominous signs of things to come. I don't see the end of the world in every newspaper in America or worry endlessly about global warming (although, I'm certainly worried about it). However, a news story caught my eye the other day that certainly seemed telling...

The city of Austin, Texas was forced to shut down major parts of downtown due to a mysterious collection of dead birds. Dozens of birds simply fell out of the sky, landing beak-down on the asphalt, as Daxon would say, "deader'n four o'clock." I can't remember ever hearing about anything like this before, and with the shocking weather we've had this year I can't really say that I'm too terribly surprised. However, who isn't disturbed by the thought of bird after bird simultaneously dropping dead and crashing to the earth?

Remember folks, I'm from mining country, and if there's one thing that you learn growing up around a family of coal miners, it's that when you see a dead bird you get the hell out of wherever you are. Unfortunately, if you're in open-air downtown Austin, I don't know that you really have anywhere to run... Houston maybe? Nah, you'd just get shot in Houston.

So, what does this all mean? I like to think that it means that the end of the world is just around the corner. Now, before you start pointing out that I just went on a tirade against people declaring to know exactly when and how the world would end I'd like to point out that I have no idea when or how the world will end. I don't know if we're looking at months, years or decades, but I'm fairly sure that mass bird suicide isn't a valid explanation for what's going on here.

Just to make things more interesting, I came across this little gem while checking up on today's headlines. Apparently, at the same time, on the opposite side of the world, a rather large group of birds simply fell out of the sky in Australia. Surely this rules out a suicidal bird cult, as it would be rather difficult even for the most dedicated of migratory birds to actually get the message all the way to Australia. Besides, birds don't have watches or calendars... how could they possibly coordinate such an effort?

So, with that ruled out, we're back to the "end times." I'm sure that there's something in every religious text that could be bent around this bird crisis to show that the rapture is just around the corner. I'm entirely too lazy to do that (not to mention the blasphemy), so I'll leave that up to the big boys. If you'd like to know how dead birds are a sign that Jesus, Muhammed, Buddha or L. Ron Hubbard will be returning to earth in the next 72 hours or so, please direct yourself to the specific websites of those deities, I'm sure they're all over it.

But, c'mon, will the end times be that bad? It's kinda like Santa Claus. If you've been good, you get to go to heaven and play with the best toys ever. If you've been bad, you have to stay here with the murderers, rapists, child pornographers and Ann Coulter. Sure, there's that pesky "eternal torment" thing to deal with, but just think of all the free Sport Utility Vehicles and widescreen televisions that will be up for grabs when all of the true-believers are gone! Just getting all of those minivans with soccer ball decals off of the road will lower the price of oil in such a way that those "left behind" will finally be able to drive the roads of this great nation for pennies on the dollar!

So, sit back and relax. If the end times really are upon us then there's really nothing to worry about. Heaven's like a really posh nightclub with a very strict bouncer. You're either in or you're not, and I don't think they take bribes. Either way you have something to look forward to! Eternal bliss or free swag... it's a toss up. Of course, if some of my atheistic friends are right, we're all just going to die and that's going to be that. At least we're spared from a few more years of "Flavor of Love" and "I Love New York."

Oh, and take an umbrella today. I didn't check the forecast this morning, but they may be calling for showers of birds in your neck of the woods. Better safe than sorry.