If you watch the Bill Maher show on HBO, you'll notice that each night he closes the show with a list of "New Rules." These are rules, passed by his personal legislative body, that take effect immediately and may not be violated for the sake of advancing society. Of course, like most of Maher's self-important diatribe, this is tongue in cheek, but each "New Rule" offers a bit of insight into our society... today I'd like to institute my own "New Rule."

New Rule: No one of any religious denomination is allowed to talk about, politicize or predict the date of the end of days.

This trend in apocalyptic prediction for 2007 began when the Middle East's greatest nutball, Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, declared that Jesus and the 12th Imam would return in the Spring of 2007 to kick ass and take names in a way that would impress even Chris Tucker and Jackie Chan. For those of you behind on your Twelver Shi'ism, the belief is that Muhammad was born in 868 to a Byzantine Princess and Hasan Al-Askari, the eleventh Imam and then guardian of all Muslims. Due to Shi'a persecution, the 12th Imam was hidden from society and will reappear in the future to bring about a global Muslim state, slaughter the infidels and usher in paradise with Jesus by his side (actually, just slightly behind him).

Now, reading the verse of the Qur'an in which we learn of how Muhammad will return, it's pretty easy to see exactly how Muslims, especially those in beleaguered areas of the Middle East, would believe that his return is imminent... read it for yourself:

"During the last times, my people will be afflicted with terrible and unprecedented calamities and misfortunes from their rulers, so much so that this vast earth will appear small to them. Persecution and injustice will engulf the earth. The believers will find no shelter to seek refuge from these tortures and injustices. At such a time, God will raise from my progeny a man who will establish peace and justice on this earth in the same way as it had been filled with injustice and distress."

That having been said, let's not pretend that anyone, not even Mr. Ahmadinejad, knows when this is going to happen. Not only is it categorically insane to declare that you know exactly when the end times will be upon non-believers, but it's even crazier to declare that it will happen in A FEW MONTHS! Granted, if Jesus and Muhammad (wasn't that a Confederate Railroad song?) rock up out of the sky and hand me a Qur'an, I'll drop that pork chop and start looking for Mecca faster than the drop in enrollment at Liberty University... but it ain't gonna happen.


But it isn't just our friendly neighborhood Shi'a dictators that are in on the fun, the good ol' USA's own Pat Robertson is also weighing in on what exactly it was that God told him over the New Year's Eve break. Apparently Mr. Robertson is predicting storms, terrorism and Godlessness in 2007. On a related note, he is also predicting that Spider-Man 3 will do well at the box office, some celebrity couple will divorce and I will use the "F-word."

Robertson has a long history of making predictions straight from the mouth of God to his ear, few if any of which even remotely come to pass, yet for some reason people (usually over the age of 70 and with the 700 Club donation line on speed-dial) rush out to the store to buy up all of the milk and bread then promptly hide under the table. Pat, maybe you should get your hearing checked, because I'm pretty sure that God has better than a .190 average when it comes to predicting events in the world that he created and oversees. Did you ever consider that maybe God is just screwing around with you? Trying to make you look stupid? Next time you talk to him, ask him who his 2008 Superbowl pick is, if he says "The Texans" then you'll know for sure.

The fact of the matter is that whether or not you believe in a great spiritual being that will one day come down from heaven and deliver us all from evil, we can all agree that anyone declaring to know exactly when this is going to happen is crazy. Spring will come and go, flowers will bloom and Major League Baseball will kick off to another boring season. We will complain about the US Congress, walk the dog and buy the combo meal at our favorite fast-food joint. All of these things will happen just like they do every single year. And if Muhammad, Jesus, a combination of the two or some sort of Robo-Buddha with lazer eyes and a bazooka happens to arrive while that's going on, it's not because you said so.

... I assure you, world religious zealots, you had nothing to do with it.