Updates aplenty today folks... well, okay... three.

Let's start of with the amazing tale of Pat Robertson. In case you missed out on this delightful little news tidbit, 700 Club Founder and high-profile nutjob, Pat Robertson, has declared that through prayer and strict training he can now leg press 2,000 lbs... yes, an actual ton. Now, as amazing as that is, it's even more dramatic when taken into account that the world record for weight pushed on a leg press is 1,400 lbs. and is held by a Florida State University football player... someone slightly bigger and younger than Robertson.


What exactly would bring this man to make such a claim? Well, after doing a little research it became extremely clear, it isn't the prayer or the strict exercise regimen that Pat is practicing, it's his high-powered SUPER SHAKE that will give you that extra edge to do the impossible. This shake's recipe can be found here, but why do I suspect that it will soon be found at a retailer near me?

Unfortunately the photos and videos of Robertson working his legs like a thoroughbred happen to be of pressing a mere 1,000 lbs. Now, explain this... if he's capable of doing twice that, and thus setting a world record and the cameraman is RIGHT THERE, why not go right ahead and film the 2,000 pound lift? Oh, yeah, I forget... because it's impossible.

In other news, POISON is coming to town. Yep, you heard me... I didn't stutter... Rikki Rocket, C.C. Deville, Bret Michaels and Bobby Dall are on their way to Cincinnati on July 13th! If you don't have your Poison ticket just yet then you'd better act on it before they sell out! You may be asking, "Cory, surely Poison won't sell Riverbend out all by themselves!?" And you'd be right... but what if a little band called CINDERELLA was with them? That seals it folks, I may have been to the Festival of the Bluegrass, I may have tickets to Lollapalooza, but the Poison/Cinderella show is THE not-to-be-missed event of the summer.

What could make the deal even sweeter? Why, fifteen dollar tickets of course. For a mere $15 you can dance in the sun to the best and most thoroughly ridiculous hair metal band the 1980's ever had the chance to feast upon. So, peg your pants, tease your bangs, and break out those Ray-Ban Aviators... the rock has come back to town.

Speaking of the 1980's, I managed to catch a real winner from that decade on Showtime over the weekend... a little masterpiece entitled CHOPPING MALL.

In the long history of absolutely abysmal films... well, I was going to write something pseudo-poetic here, but frankly this movie just sucks. This is very possibly the worst film ever made... way worse than Pi, The Avengers, The Scorpion King or any other crap-fest that I've managed to sit through. Of course, there's the excellent point that this isn't a major Hollywood blockbuster, it's a B-Movie and should be judged as such... fair enough. Now, let me rephrase, "Chopping Mall is the WORST B-MOVIE that I've ever seen."

The plot is simple... okay, maybe it's not. My best attempt to explain would go like this: Apparently an affluent mall is under constant threat from armed madmen, to quell the problem specially designed robots have been brought into the building to patrol the grounds after hours and apparently electrocute extras from Michael Jackson's "Beat It" video. On the debut night for the robots a group of wild mall employees (and two people that just seem to appear with absolutely no explanation) decide to lock themselves in the building and have wild teen sex while drinking copious amounts of beer. That is, until lightning hits the mall and the robots go MAD, killing the only scientist that can stop their reign of terror... like so:

Now, you can pretty much guess what happens next... but in case you somehow can't *sigh* the robots run amok in the mall and kill everyone. Roughly half-way through the film they develop the ability to fire lasers from their eyes, something brand new to the audience. However, the lasers seem to vary in strength and intensity from time to time. In this clip (you really need to watch this clip) the robot fires a laser for the very first time. Note how the first few shots just seem to sting a little, however the last one manages to completely disintegrate this poor girl's head. It's okay though, you knew she was going to die... she's the slut of the group.

A few laser blasts and a few broken windows later, the nerd (as played by "Head of the Class" star Tony O'Dell) is knocked out by a remarkably well placed fire extinguisher and it's up to the mousey daughter of A MARINE to save the day, which she does by luring the robot into a paint store and then tossing a road flare in. I had no idea that a few cans of paint would go off like an atomic blast... but then again I don't really remember seen gun shops or paint stores in the malls around here, so what do I know.

Of course the two nerds that never get it on live. Of course everyone else dies. Some are thrown from things, some blown up by mysterious laser beams and one guy inexplicably jumps on a slow-moving golf cart (in a fit of rage mind you) and crashes into the robot... which somehow electrocutes them both. As far as the gratuitous nudity that you expect from a film like this... it's there. In fact, it's probably the most gratuitous nudity that I've ever seen. When entire scenes are being set in women's locker rooms (which this mall has) for absolutely no discernable reason, that's gratuitous.

But really, how can you get mad at a film with this kind of quality dialogue:

Greg: You smell like pepperoni
Suzy: Oh, well in that case [she stops the make-out party and stands up]
Greg: [smoothly] ...but I like pepperoni
Suzy: Oh, you do, do you? [her eyes open wide, she begins to remove her clothes]

Note to self, chicks really seem to dig pepperoni