Brace yourself.

Calm the children.

Alert the neighbors.

It’s a live blog entry from Cory… no, I’m not kidding. It’s not a series of thoughts that have been run through the mill and regurgitated into some sort of cohesive thought plan at 8:00 AM. No, my friends, this is being written live, in house, and chock-full of commas.

It’s 11:50 in the P-M. At this hour, what have I learned? Well, quite simply I’m aware that my back hurts, and apparently it shows no signs of stopping. But most importantly I’ve learned that America really has no talent. No, really, America is without talent. I had tended to believe that the existence of The Beach Boys, The Velvet Underground and The Ramones proved that there was something worth saving in this country… but David Hasselhoff has convinced me that I live in a land without talent of any kind. Now, it should be pointed out that as Americans, we have put our faith in David Hasselhoff (you may remember “The Hoff” from such hits as “Baywatch” and “Night Rider”), Brandy (remember, she was that disposable R&B singer from the late 90’s) and some guy whose name vaguely resembles the word “penis.”

Now, it should be pointed out that the winner of this contest will take home the magic number… yes, my friends, ONE MILLION DOLLARS! Are we that easy? As Americans is that really all that it takes to not only buy us out of our own shame, but is the idea of some poor schmuck receiving ONE MILLION DOLLARS enough to make us tune in every night just to see how far people will go for ONE MILLION DOLLARS? Well, the answer is clearly yes. Need proof? Then let me offer it. I’ve never seen an episode of Survivor, American Idol, Big Brother or The Bachelor in their entirety.

Nope.

Not once.

But have I watched “America’s Got Talent?” Yessiree Bob. You can’t tear me away from it. Wanna know why? Well, my dears, it’s very simple. It’s (and I’ve avoided foul language for over a year, but I guess it’s a brand new era on Blogjammin’) that I’ve never seen anything so fucking pathetic in all of my life. Grown men and women whore themselves out for the approval of “celebrities” that couldn’t sell a television show or record if their goddamn life depended on it. Now, I’m aware that I suck, but I still fancy myself a writer. If something I put on paper was put in front of Robert Altman, David Sedaris and the ghost of Oscar Wilde… I’d be nervous. But come on, people, do you think that you’d ever respect yourself if you quit the pen and paper based on the advice of the guy that wrote “Police Academy 3 (incidentally, that’s Citizens On Patrol… and the first use of the “Matrix Effect”).”

So, why are we arguing as to whether or not “America’s Got Talent?” I won’t even point out the pedestrian grammar in which we’re dealing (and feel free to point out in which the pedestrian grammar in which I deal on a daily basis). Nah, that’s irrelevant. The problem lies in the American Public (the proletariat in me demands that I capitalize “public”). But I’ll ask you this:

Would Steve Earle survive this contest?
Would Bruce Springsteen survive this contest?
Would Tom Waits survive this contest?
Would Bob Dylan survive this contest?
Would Tom Petty survive this contest?

I’ll take my soul with a side of Hasselhoff, if you don’t mind.

Currently Listening To: The Piano Has Been Drinking – Tom Waits…Yes, more Tom Waits.