Sometimes I find myself lying around on my couch, minding my own business and realizing that I often let my inner masochist have entirely too much control over the body we share. For example, yesterday I managed to spend two hours of my life watching "The Butterfly Effect," two hours of my life that I'll never get back.

For those of you that have been fortunate enough to make it this long without contracting this terminal illness of a film, let me bring you up to speed on the premise. Ashton Kuthcer plays... ah hell, I can't remember his name... so we'll just call him jacakss. Jackass is afflicted with a rare brain disorder causing him to blackout regularly and awaken to find terrible things have gone on around him! If that isn't exciting enough, HIS FATHER SUFFERED FROM THE SAME CONDITION (a fact that is pointed out to the audience at least forty times within the first five minutes of the film... in case you missed it).

Of course, this condition regularly gets him into wacky situations involving dynamite, burning dogs alive in burlap sacks, drawing images of a murdered family and countless other similar things... y'know, the kinds of things that happen to all of us when we black out. As he matures he learns that he can use this power to go back in time (I'm not kidding) and right the wrongs that he found himself powerless to overcome while unconscious at the time.

Now, as anyone even remotely familiar with time travel will tell you, messing with the past can often have severe consequences for the future. His several attempts to save the world lead to repeated institutionalization for one character, a life as a heroin-addicted hooker for another, lung cancer and at one point even extreme dedication to Christianity. It's during the Christian exploits that Jackass finds himself with prosthetic arms (as a result of one of his actions in the past). To watch Ashton Kutcher turn what could have been a challenging scene for... well, Daniel Day Lewis couldn't have made the scene any better, but Ashton Kutcher CERTAINLY isn't the man. When he emotionally reacts to breaking a granola bar with his newfound appendages I was nearly brought to tears... with laughter.

If only I had such magic powers I could look into my childhood journals and recall moments of the past that I'd forgotten. I'd then go back in time and put an immediate stop to the production of this film. If I was somehow unable to do that, then I'd at least stop myself from watching this trainwreck.

Anyway, onto greener pastures. I was talking to my friend Kevin last night about the general state of affairs of the world when he made a remarkable point. Grown-ups need Underoos.

When I was a kid absolutely nothing was cooler than the Underoo. Strutting around the neighborhood with Spiderman on your crotch made you immediately cooler than that poor bastard who's mom mistakenly bought him the Strawberry Shortcake pair. By the way, I saw that kid the other day, he gets out of rehab any day now.

But for whatever reason, the manufacturers of Underoos decided not to carry this staple of youth fashion into adulthood. I, frankly, am appalled. We're not just talking about your over-the-top fanboys that want to wear Batman bloomers every day of the week, although they're out there. Perfectly normal people could be inclined just for kicks to pick up a pair of Iron Man man-panties, and why not? What says "superstud" quite like "Superman?" And at exactly what time would you want women to view you as Superman? Why, when you're in your underwear of course!

I don't know that petitions and such would ever work to the advantage of the ever-aging Underoos crowd, but there's still hope. You see, with the epidemic of childhood obesity that we have in this country, Underoos will soon have to be made to fit the ever-expanding waistline of your average 9 year old. Case in point:
Come on, are you going to tell me that I can't share clothes with the Michelin Man here already? And imagine when he hits 9 or 10 years old, even the most stereotypical fanboys with their stereotypically wide asses will be able to buy clothes from the boy's section!

That's all for now folks, I'll be working on my Chaos Theory for the next few days in an effort to go back in time and slap the above child's mother a few times, so if your present changes drastically please forgive me... hope you don't end up on death row or anything.

Currently Listening to: The Flaming Lips - Yoshimi Battles The Pink Robots Pt. 1