Disclaimer: The following is the longest and most self-indulgent post in the history of Blogjammin', if not the history of the world. I hope you all take the time to read it, as there are some rather funny stories and some terrific links inside, but I certainly won't fault you for giving up. It's probably best to read in installments, that should hold off the madness for a little while at least.

And now, as promised, here comes the mountain of Lolla-Love!

THURSDAY, AUGUST 3rd

My trip started here at my place sometime around 12:15 in the afternoon. A quick gathering of Derek and The Beard, a stop in Georgetown and another in Frankfort and we were on our way! David, Kevin, Derek, Josh and I set off on the modern marvel of engineering known simply as Interstate 65 with a beaming sun on the hood and an Ipod filled with sonic goodness.

As any road trip goes, we had the mandatory arguments over music (namely who was the best Hip-Hop MC of all-time... the answer is Biggie no matter what Derek says), bags of beef jerky and map confusion. However, a mere six hours later we found ourselves standing in the booming metropolis of Chicago, a little tired but ready for excitement!

Exhausted from the trip (and highly overfed from the deep dish pizza) I decided to retire to the room and send the remaining members of the posse to retrieve our sixth weary traveler, Rachel. Soon they met me back at the room and after a quick visit everyone finally made their way to sleepy town, eager to start the next morning.

FRIDAY, AUGUST 4th

Eager to hit the show I jumped up before eight o'clock and made my way (in my jammies) to the hotel lobby for a delicious cup of coffee. We cleaned ourselves, shuffled David off to the funny-book convention and then hit the road... Lollapalooza was finally here! We made our way down the street to find an extremely large line and a few complications obtaining our wristbands. After those were settled, the Star Wars theme kicked in and we were inside... our first stop, The Subways.

I'm a big fan of the Subways record, but going into the show I'm not exactly sure how excited everyone else was. It took every bit of three songs and a malnourished brit climbing the scaffolding to bend hearts and minds to the light. However, as good as the show was, I have to point out that we noticed two rather large distractions in our happy little camp. One of which is the now legendary Beatle Bob (and I'll go into him a little more later), the other was a very angry clown in a Union Jack shirt.

The true beauty of this guy is that he didn't seem to be a performer or in any way affiliated with the show, he was just some dude that decided, "hey, today's as good as any day to dress up like an angry clown!" He appeared out of nowhere, and to the best of my knowledge this photo was taken shortly before Derek noticed him standing there. The most wonderful part of all being when the Subways asked us to turn to the person to our left and give them a hug. Note who is standing to Derek's exact left. I'd trade many, many wonderful things away to have a picture of Derek in a loving embrace with this guy. It's also worth noting that Derek was reading Stephen King's "It" on the drive up... it's a wonder that he didn't run in terror.

After the Subways show we retired back to the room for a bit to have a few cold beers (Old Style, of course) and a little lunch. Many, many thanks go out to the lovely Ms. Sarah for sending a spectacular care-package, without which we wouldn't have enjoyed the splendor of Doritos and Fruit Pies (and a commemorative bag of Funjuns). So, beer and a little Smirnoff in our bellies and Doritos on our breath we made our way back to the park to partake in a little Ryan Adams action.

Ryan was one of my most anticipated shows of the entire weekend, and to say that he sucked would be an understatement akin to calling World War II a "dust-up." As Mr. Adams droned on with songs that no one wanted to hear and discussed at great lengths the eggs that he had for breakfast, Rachel and I made our way back to the grassy area to enjoy a few more cold beers and a relaxing sit in the sun. To put this in perspective, I spent a large part of the Ryan Adams show on the phone with Brinton and Tina discussing how damn bad the Ryan Adams show was.

But never fear, all was made well as we managed to catch a few seconds of the Stars show and then hit up the most spectacular moment of the entire day, THE VIOLENT FEMMES!

The Femmes show was absolutely stunning. I honestly couldn't have designed a better set list myself, and somewhere around "American Music" I began to dance like Michael Flatley at a Spencer Family Reunion. I'm serious... I've never danced that hard in all of my life. Hippies seemed to be coming out of the woodwork, we made friends with some cowpoke from one of the Dakotas (everyone seemed to be from a Dakota on Friday) and the beer was flowing like wine.

At the close of the show I ran to the other side of the park (3/4 of a mile away) and right smack-dab into the Death Cab For Cutie show. Unfortunately, the show was well underway when I arrived, and I was terribly disappointed to realize that I was making my appearance at almost the exact same moment that this clip begins... which happens to be my favorite Death Cab song. Now, I can't explain how it is that luck can work itself out, but the band proceeded to play all four of my favorite songs back to back, then for whatever reason they launched into the aforementioned song AGAIN. There was no explanation for this, just my own good fortune. So, all-in-all the Death Cab show was fantastic for me... but even more fantastic for The Beard, who spent a large part of it making out with some girl (probably from one of the Dakotas) and losing his phone. Losing a cell phone is always a bummer, but making out with strangers is always great, so it evens out.

Exhausted from the rock and a little buzzed I made my way back to the Congress Hotel and my bed. Pining away for the next day I made my way to Slumberland.

SATURDAY, AUGUST 5TH

Saturday brought about a very welcome surprise.

We arrived at the Q101 stage a little early to catch the 12:00 Be Your Own Pet show. As we made our way through the park we started to hear that familiar rumble of bass and what sounded like quite a party going on just over the hill. That party was the winner of the Lollapalooza "Last Band Standing" competition, Tonedeff. This guy came out and rocked a crowd of about 200 white people (and Derek) like it was the damned Source Awards. No one had heard of the guy, no one knew the words to even one of his songs, but by the end of the day his songs had found their way into our subconscious and people could be heard mumbling the occasional Tonedeff chorus the rest of the day.

However, Tonedeff's moment in the sun was short lived as one of my new favorite bands, Be Your Own Pet, took the stage. I doubt that anyone enjoyed the show as much as I did, including the band (one of which nearly passed out and threw up on the stage from a combination of heat and whatever they were doing the night before). But, all things aside the set was fantastic and I had a blast.

Having thoroughly enjoyed being my own pet for half an hour, the real moment of greatness was now upon us... The Go! Team. Kevin and I made our way across the park to catch a bit of the Nada Surf show, grab some really neat temporary tattoos and meet up with Kevin's new best friend, a rather large Lucha Libre Wrestler that appears to be named "Purple Haze."

After being Super-Soakered thoroughly we hit the Go! Team stage. Determined as hell to make it to the front, Rachel, Derek and Josh stayed behind and managed to elbow their way to the front. At the time it seemed like a good idea to make my way up there and join in the fun, so I began pushing my way past the growing horde of hipster kids and their fluffy wristbands. At one point I thoroughly offended a stereotypical emo girl by calling her "sir" while excusing myself as I passed by. Look, here's my point, if you're going to do the "look at the ground with my androgynous hair style hanging over my face" thing, don't be upset when someone thinks you're a guy... you look like 75% of the guys here.

Anyway, about five minutes of the packed-like-sardines atmosphere and the 100 degree heat was enough to send me packing back for the far reaches of the Go! Team crowd, where I found Kevin standing in all of his old-man-ness. I decided to join Brother Hall in the geriatric section and we enjoyed a nice bowl of oatmeal and some Matlock before the kiddies took the stage. The show was phenomenal, easily one of the highlights of the festival. If you're not dancing to the Go! Team then you may really need to seek some sort of counseling.

Don't believe me? Well, see for yourself!

Oh, and when I said that the younger among us made their way to the front, I wasn't kidding. Notice any familiar faces on the Jumbo-Tron?

(Here's a hit, it's Rachel)

Now, the Go! Team show had come to an end, but not before we had yet another appearance from the legendary Beatle Bob. To explain exactly what Beatle Bob is or why he's so special may be the toughest part of this entry... but I'll try. Beatle Bob, to the best of my knowledge, is simply a guy that travels around the country, maybe the world, attending concerts and jumping on stage to dance. He seems to have a bit of a cult following and from what I'm told it's really something special to get the chance to see him in action. His dancing is more reminiscent of a seizure than any type of actual dance style, complete with spins, kicks and very strange usage of hands. It's hard to explain, so just check out this video of Mr. Bob getting down in his Bob kinda way at the Reverend Horton Heat show.

So, as The Go! Team wound down, out comes Bob. He slips onto stage and, in that unmistakable Bob way, steals the show. I can't speak for the rest of the group, but Kevin and I went positively ape-shit upon catching a glance of the Beat-ster backstage. Having seen him a couple of times already, we had managed to become thoroughly enamored with this character and made a pledge at that very moment to have our picture taken with him at all costs. This proved to be wildly prophetic as immediately after the show we spotted Mr. Bob standing behind the stage! Needless to say, a simple request and a big hug later we were officially Beatle Bob's friends.

Don't I look snazzy in my free Lollapalooza backpack, courtesy of 93X FM radio? It even matches my cool-ass shirt!

Now, in the interest of saving your eyes (and if you've made it this far then you're either a very dedicated reader, a true friend or absolutely bored out of your skull at work... maybe all three) I'll skip over a few of the other moments of the day and get on to the real meat and potatoes of Saturday.

It should be noted that sometime between our arrival and this point in the day Kevin and I ran into a young man with a sign reading, "Need to trip for the Flaming Lips/left money at home/need drugs." I don't know much else about the guy, but I have a feeling that his entire life can fairly accurately be summarized by that one piece of cardboard.

Before the Flaming Lips show we were treated to a fairly hum-drum set by Sonic Youth. It wasn't great, it wasn't bad, it was just good enough to remain interesting without particularly entering the realm of titillating. However, as I said before the show, "we should probably see Sonic Youth while we have the chance, as they are likely to die at any moment." However, it was just a warm-up for the incredible spectacle that was about to unfold before our very eyes.

I am now the world's biggest Flaming Lips fan.

The show opened with Wayne Coyne (the Lips' frontman) entering a giant "space bubble" and making his way into the crowd. Of course, the music was spectacular, but honestly, couldn't any show be improved with a space bubble? Are you going to tell me that it wouldn't rock the house if Loretta Lynn came out in a space bubble? Or maybe even Yanni... could a Yanni show actually be made tolerable with use of a space bubble? We'll have to ask David about that one.

So, excitement is in the air as Wayne walks on top of the crowd in what appears to be a glorified hamster ball. You may be asking, "were there any other treats?" Well... YES! Shortly after Wayne made his way out of the bubble and back onto the stage came the Flaming Lips' trademark balloon extravaganza. Dozens of giant balloons appeared out of what seemed to be essentially nowhere, giving everyone the chance to play while listening to the show. Oh, and play we did.

Finally, after singalongs to "The Yeah Yeah Yeah Song," "Free Radical" and "Yoshimi Battles the Pink Robots" we arrived at the best one-two punch of the day. Most older folks should remember the Flaming Lips' classic, "She Don't Use Jelly" from your youth, but I was surprised to see how many younger fans knew the words by heart. Wayne led us in a glorious singalong of the jam, and then brought us into what may be my all-time favorite song, "Do You Realize?" Truly one of the most magical moments of the entire weekend (even if the guy singing in that link is the WORST singer EVER). Thanks to Rollingstone.com we also have a little backstage action from Wayne as he plans out what could be the finest of all possible concerts.

After the Flaming Lips we marched like some sort of spiky-haired army for 3/4 of a mile to the Kanye West show. I'd elaborate on Mr. West's shin-dig, but due to complete exhaustion I managed to miss most of it. I do, however, figure that Derek will probably go into great detail in describing that event. So, enjoy some "Jesus Walks" action... I didn't get to.

I will say that I did hear two terrific stories to come out of Kanyepalooza. The first involves Derek being interviewed by MTV News regarding the show while surrounded by "fine-ass Chi-town ladies." The other involves Kanye telling the predominantly white audience that they were allowed to use the "n-word" while singing along to his music for one night only. In fact, they were encouraged to do so and to enjoy their only opportunity to do it. However, Kevin happened to be standing directly beside a gentleman of the African-American persuasion that yelled back at Kanye, "hell no Kanye, don't do it, don't let 'em do it." Thus, Kevin became the only white guy in the crowd censoring himself for fear of a beating.

SUNDAY, AUGUST 6th

Sunday started with a bang! What could possibly be better than kicking the day off with one of the main reasons I was so eager to make the trip... The Hold Steady. The guys from The Hold Steady rocked my ass off, so much so that I may never find it again. If you come across an ass somewhere, please check the wallet in the back pocket and drop it in the mail if it's mine. They treated us to the songs we'd come to expect, and a whole host of absolutely fantastic new material that left the audience begging for more and more. The new album drops on October 4th, so be ready.

Oddly enough, the guys from The Hold Steady had set up camp in our hotel, so we proceeded to spend the majority of the rest of the trip bumping into them and having conversations. Rachel and I both had our pictures taken with them, but since I'm doing something weird with my hand in mine, I'll show you hers.

After the Hold Steady show I retired to the hotel. I had seen everyone I came to see and was happy to share my wristband with David, thus giving him access to a few of the shows. We made a mad dash to an Italian place downtown, had some fantastic wine and great conversation over amaretto and vanilla ice cream. Kevin met Rachel Griffiths from HBO's "Six Feet Under" at the Wilco show, Rachel went to war with a woman over the looseness of her wristband and David was nearly crushed by a mob at the Red Hot Chili Peppers show... so a good time was had by all. I chilled at the hotel bar for a while before rejoining Derek, Josh and David for a late night trek to Taco Bell (while singing "I'll Fly Away" to total strangers).

Later that night I found myself sitting in the park with a collection of hippies with bongo drums and a couple of dudes from New York. I don't typically get too into that type of thing, maybe it was the vibe or maybe it was the Old Style, but I really enjoyed it. Then it was back to bed and early to rise for the last day of our trip.

MONDAY, AUGUST 7th

Monday was to be our epic trip home. We had grand ideas of heading back early, beating the traffic and making back to our respective homes shortly after dark. Of course, none of those plans actually came to fruition. Instead, we took a detour through downtown to grab some food and do a little shopping. I was a little reluctant at first, but it managed to become one of the true highlights of the trip.

Monday kicked off at Giordano's Pizza for lunch, a giant and rather tasty lunch. Of course, we couldn't eat the mountain of food placed before us, so we decided to have the remaining pizza boxed up for an on-the-way-home-snack. I don't know how familiar you guys are with authentic deep dish pizza, but it's heavy. It's extremely heavy. Shortly after hitting the streets of downtown Chicago I made the decision to part with my delicious leftovers, so I began searching for a homeless person. My search (not surprisingly) ended almost as soon as it began as I ran upon a homeless man in a wheelchair, begging for change. I informed him that I didn't have any change, but I did have an almost whole pizza if he'd like it. Imagine Christmas morning when you were five and you may get close to his reaction. Overcome with warm fuzzies, I trudged on down the street, patting myself on the back.

Not to be outdone, Josh decided to share his remaining pizza with the next handicapped homeless person that he came across. His wishes were granted only a couple of blocks later when he came upon a severely handicapped man on the street corner. He hands the man the bag, then realizes what he's done. You see, Josh's leftovers were considerably smaller than mine. So, when they boxed up his doggie-bag they dropped the box in a plastic bag and tied a knot in the top. Josh had just handed a bag of delicious smelling, fresh pizza to a homeless man with VERY limited use of his hands and arms... a bag that was double knotted with a box inside. As I commented, "You might as well have given the guy a damned Rubick's Cube."

This was, of course, just one of many disasters to befall The Beard on the trip. By the time he left Chicago he had managed to lose his cell phone, $180 and had tormented the handicapped with what was supposed to be a nice gesture. I slowly became convinced that a black cloud was hovering over his head at all times.

The rest of Monday sent us on detours through the Armani and Gucci stores ($175 beanie hats and $210 silk-screened t-shirts), the Hershey Store (where David was awarded a free cupcake) and Bloomingdale's (where I made a purchase and received one of those neat-o "little brown bag" bags that you see so often on "Friends"). As the clock rolled on and Rachel's airport departure neared, we decided to be gentlemen and drive her to O'Hare rather than stick her on a train with potentially dangerous crazy people (some very angry at their inaccessible pizza). Traffic was an unholy nightmare, adding over two hours to our total trip out of the city, but it was worth it to visit with Ms. Rachel for a bit more (and to save her from the crazy people).

After that, we were finally on our way home.

Home was a long, long, long journey and I finally turned the key to my apartment at three o'clock in the morning (as my earlier post suggested). BUT, this story wouldn't be complete without one more zing! Upon returning home I find Josh to be a little worried. Why, you ask? Well, it appears that his keys, the keys to everything, are now somewhere in Chicago. He is now stranded in my driveway with no vehicle or means of unlocking his front door. It was dark, and I couldn't get a good look at his face, but I'd bet it looked a little something like this...


Luckily, Beard's Mamma doesn't live too terribly far from my place, so she was avaiable to come to his aid and eventually find some spare keys.

If anyone is still reading, then congratulations. I really feel like I should give out some sort of prize to anyone that makes it through this entire thing. If you did, come by the house sometime and I'll give you a beer... but be warned, there will be a pop quiz!

Thanks for reading, and I'll get back to less extravagant posts tomorrow... or maybe the next day, as this has taken it's toll on me.