But... What Does Larry King Think?

The other day I found myself in Wal-Mart. Before you pile on the hypocrisy bandwagon and point out that I shouldn't have been in Wal-Mart, let me point out that I had a gift card, so the money was already spent and there's no redeeming such things for cash.

Anyway, while walking through the store I came across a rather large display in the electronics department. In this display I found several copies of the recently released "School For Scoundrels" on DVD. On this DVD I noticed a quote that seemed a bit odd, and as the seconds ticked by, managed to irritate the hell out of me.

See for yourself...

In case you somehow missed it, the quote reads: Bad Santa Meets Napoleon Dynamite!

Can anyone tell me how that's possible? I haven't seen the movie, so maybe I'm not qualified to pass judgment, but it seems to me that it would be completely impossible for this film to actually be what would happen if those two films made sweet love and produced an obscenity laden, kooky, Mormon-friendly comedy. If that happens to be the case, I'd love to see it. But guess what, it probably isn't the case.

I mean, Starship Troopers featured Rue McLanahan and Michael Ironside, but you wouldn't say it was "Mamma's Family meets Jo Jo Dancer, Your Life Is Waiting."

What I find most ridiculous (and borderline insulting) about this quote is that the marketing department actually thought that people would snatch up copies based on the fact that they enjoyed the other two films. Although, what may be most disturbing is the realization that it will actually work.

My initial thoughts were, "My God, that's the laziest review I've ever seen," until I noticed to whom it was attributed. Rolling Stone? Surely this couldn't be a Peter Travers review? I don't always agree with the guy, but I can't see him actually throwing some schlock like that out there.

Haha, Santa shot Napoleon in the crotch! Hilarity!

Guess what... he didn't.

The actual review, seen here, never features that quote... not even close. It mentions the other two films, but never in that way. Nice work guys, way to make someone look like a hack... someone that actually was kind enough to give you a three-star review.

As I searched for the box image for this entry, I found something interesting on Amazon.com. Amazon always likes to suggest other titles to the buyer, things that you might enjoy based on the shopping patterns of other customers. So, if I'm going to buy up a copy of School For Scoundrels, I should also just go ahead and order the following:

In case that's difficult to read (I realize that the resolution isn't the best), I'm also encouraged to buy The Departed, Flags of Our Fathers, Hollywoodland and The Prestige.

I have my doubts as to whether or not those films are really attracting a large percent of the same viewing audience.

Maybe I'm wrong. Maybe School For Scoundrels belongs in the same category as these highly acclaimed, top ten of the year type titles. Perhaps I should give it a chance. Oh, and by the way, if you haven't seen The Departed, be sure to check it out, it's like "Titanic Meets Mars Attacks!"

Ahh, nostalgia.

Whether it’s a song, a movie or just something seemingly insignificant, dozens of things can make us think of our youth. So, as I sat here a few minutes ago, thinking of my youth, I was reminded of one of the cornerstones of growing up… baseball cards.

We all had them. We’d go through the packs, sorting out the keepers and tossing aside those cards that seemed to be absolutely everywhere (Oil Can Boyd, we hardly knew ye). As I grow older, I’ve come to realize that many of the “sure bet” cards that were going to provide me a comfortable retirement are now worth a fraction of what I actually paid for them in the year of their release. However, I’ve also discovered that you can find even more joy in the sad little cards that were tossed out before you could even break down the brick of bubblegum that you were hopelessly trying to chew.

For example, take this little winner from Cleveland Indian, Rod Nichols.

Is it the glasses, the collar or an enchanting mix of both that conjures up memories of yesteryear? Perhaps it’s the comfort in knowing that somewhere, at some time, for just a moment, this actually looked cool. Or not… after all, it IS Cleveland.

Or maybe it’s more of the dazed, glassy look in the eyes of Seattle’s Karl Best that best explains how it feels to search through these old cards.

A mixture of wonder, whimsy and methamphetamine that seems to defy verbal explanation.

If there’s one thing that we can all agree on, it’s the era’s refusal to accept the fact that the uniforms taking the field each day were, at best, fashion mistakes. San Diego, Houston and Chicago took the torch with gusto, blessing us with fashion choices that defied both reason and good taste. However, no organization ever took a more defiant stance against the world of fashion than the mighty Pittsburgh Pirates.

From the blinding yellow shirts to the incomprehensibly striped shoeboxes on their heads, the Pirates knocked fashion out of the park, rounding third and sliding into our hearts. Just take a look at these dashing gentlemen:

Mike Brown shows us that Jim McMahon wasn’t the only superstar to make sunglasses look THIS good.

Let’s all take a minute to thank Enrique Romo for bringing Yetti fashion to the masses.

And without the bold fashion choices of Lee Tunnel and Jim Leyland, stovepipe headwear may have been lost to the ravages of time… Abraham who!?

Of course, not every one of these superstars went on to the hall of fame, and before you say it, I’m aware of what a crime that truly is. Luckily, for Moose Haas and Ron Davis, Hollywood came calling. It was in the surprise smash-hit, Napoleon Dynamite, that Haas and Davis made their mark as they were cast as Uncle Rico and Napoleon, respectively.

Sadly, greener pastures did not lie ahead for some of our forgotten cardboard heroes. As they became relegated to the nickel bin at the card shop, their stats along with their personalities faded from our collective consciousness. Many baseball stars of the past used the card as a way to tell us something personal about themselves, opting out of the traditional poses and instead saying, “Hey world, this is who I am!”

Without these cards, we may never know that from time to time Willie McGee finds himself thoroughly disgusted.

We would never have seen the side of Sammy Stewart that says, “I’m lovin’ life!”

I would have grossly underestimated what a lady killer T.R. Bryden really is

… or ever known that Glenn Hubbard really, really likes snakes.

Sadly, we’re most likely destined to travel through our remaining years, never really knowing what happened to many of these guys. Some were bumped back down the minors, some blew out a knee and some probably own auto dealerships in their home town. I’d imagine that more than a few made a run for congress, maybe a few overdosed on one particular drug or another. Most likely they’re probably googling themselves right now and telling their children about their glory days in the big leagues.

However, I prefer to believe something more mysterious happened.

I noticed a common thread in many of the lowly cards of the past… something disturbing. It appears that, as their careers wound down (many before they actually began), they all seemed to notice something looming in the sky.

I can see it now. Just as the predetermined “bottom rung” of baseball stars arrived for their photo shoot, an alien craft descended from the sky. With a flash of light and an otherworldly noise, these players were taken on board and whisked away.

The ship would sail out of sight, leaving only the last images of these men, forever captured as a warning to future generations of "less than major" major leaguers.

Later, we would all discover that this was part of an intergalactic trade between the Alien League and Major League Baseball. In trade for some of our less talented players (still vastly superior to their alien counterparts), the aliens would make various concessions regarding their eventual invasion of the Earth.

We have these brave men to thank for our freedom as humans, and I for one would like to suggest a monument in Washington to commemorate their sacrifice… even if Al Cowens did refuse to go quietly.

Our youth has passed us by, and our memories of the boys of summer are fading as quickly as that Ken Griffey Jr. rookie card that you thought would be worth something some day so you spent all that damned money that you earned mowing lawns all freakin' summer on ONE CARD only to find out that it's worth less than a gallon of gas in Venezuela 15 years later... not that I'd know or anything. If you ever find yourself with a few moments to kill, climb into the attic and drag out your old baseball cards. After all, that old Biff Pocoroba card may not be worth much at the card shop…

… but the memories are more precious than gold.

Except maybe for the Ken Griffey Jr. 1989 Upper Deck rookie card... sonofabitch.

Dear Lord, thank you for Georgia.

If the debate over evolution is just entirely too grounded in reality for your tastes, allow me to introduce to you Georgia State Representative, Ben Bridges.

Rep. Bridges would like you to know that aside from the obviously false teachings of evolution, you should also be aware that secular progressives are teaching your children a whole host of other anti-Christian "facts."

For example, did you know that schools are indoctrinating our kids with such liberal lies as "the earth orbits the sun" and "the earth rotates on its axis?"

These monsters will not rest until they've destroyed the minds of our youth! Thank God we have patriots like Ben Bridges to show us the way.

At the request of Brinton, I now post for you some Doonesbury.

Brinton holds tightly to a rule that no images shall be posted on his blog that he didn't personally create. So, upon finding this particular gem he decided to enlist some help in an effort to get it out to the masses.

Enjoy (click to pop larger).

If you're working for the Federal Minimum Wage, it's time to start lighting your cigars with 100 dollar bills!

It's official, H.R. 2 has passed the United States Senate with a vote of 88-8 (with four overpaid tax vacuums refusing to vote). With this increase the working poor in America will now make roughly the same amount of money that they did during the Johnson Administration... hooray!

Any raise in minimum wage is a good thing for working poor families in America, don't get me wrong. However, increasing the pay of working people at the lowest rung of our economic system from $5.15 to $7.25 an hour over a period of three years is hardly going to elevate these people into positions of great wealth... or positions of "getting by." Congress will undoubtedly pat themselves on the back and wallow in their own ego as they throw a bone to the constituents living in their own back yards, well, the back yards just outside of the gate, razor wire, vicious dogs and armed guards protecting their own back yard.

The working poor in this country deserve to be treated with respect. These aren't people asking for a handout, these are people waking up every morning to do thankless jobs that, whether you like it or not, keep our country moving. If for one week the entire minimum wage workforce in this country decided to simultaneously go on strike, this nation would be positively paralyzed. The implications would be far-reaching and the consequences to our way of life would be immediately apparent. So, if these people make up such an important demographic, why are they largely ignored by our government?

Well, they're too poor to hire lobbyists.


Globally, the issues surrounding the well-being of the working poor have been addressed in many different ways. The most effective of these seems to be the system implemented the the Northern European grouping of Scandinavian countries. In these countries the minimum wage is based on collective agreements that take into account the cost of living in the area, average salary and other factors to come to an amount that, while certainly no great shakes, allows the residents of the nation in question to live above the poverty line.

In the graph above you'll notice the often shocking rates of child poverty in the United States in comparison to those in much of Europe. I find it amazing that in this "Christian Nation" we will allow our children to go to sleep hungry at a considerably higher rate than those in "Godless Europe."

When it's all put out there on the table, it really is the kids that are of the highest concern. Many families in the United States work two and three jobs just to stay above water, while many others simply do not have the capacity to do so. With soaring childcare costs, no universal health care and a minimum wage that has steadily dropped (with slight peaks during the Clinton Administration) since 1980 it becomes increasingly difficult to understand why many in these situations even chose to GO to work.

Often opponents of minimum wage increases are also the most vehement opponents of our current welfare system. However, take a minute to think about this:

Even with the proposed increase in the minimum wage, recipients will be "handsomely" paid around $290 per week... gross. A single mother working a forty-hour work week will be forced to make ends meet on resources so limited that many of us couldn't even imagine how it could be done. Upon entering the work force (in this golden age for the working poor) this same single mother would have childcare costs amounting to (based on the national average) $111 per week. Even in extremely low "cost of living" areas, it would be remarkably difficult to find an apartment, suitable for a child, for less than $100 per week. Simply keeping a minimum of the utilities running (water, heat, electricity... this doesn't factor in telephones, cable, etc) is going to be $120-$150 monthly at the absolute least.

So, based on a weekly GROSS income of $290, a single working mother would be expected to shell out a low average of around $248.50 each week just to keep going. This, of course, isn't counting expenses like gasoline, car payments, clothing, food or god forbid, insurance.

Faced with these alternatives, what exactly would be someone's motivation to "get off welfare" and enter the workforce? Get up each morning and work a miserable, thankless job while spending less time with your children and cutting off your resources at the knees hardly seems like a wise decision for a family. Even more upsetting is that this great nation forces families to make decisions like this every day.

Although the Democrats' proposal is a step in the right direction, it's still miles away from reaching the point where we should be. The people of the United States deserve better than this. If you're willing to get up every day and head out to a job that you hate for less than you deserve, you should at least bring home enough money to ensure that the work you've put forward that day was worth it.

Restoring pride, curbing violence and building the future is built largely around the eradication of poverty. This is a very real problem, and one that we actually have the means to solve in the near future. We can only hope that our lawmakers will see the light, but don't hold out too much hope. After all, this type of fiscal oppression is...