20 Years of David Lynch

I found myself in a discussion on religion and politics last night (no, really I did). I won't name any names, but the person stated an opinion that although prevalent isn't regularly discussed even in my social circle (which should be running out of nasty things to say about the president by now). That opinion being that George Bush is as far from the Messiah of modern-day Christianity that many paint him out to be. In fact, as this person pointed out, "I just can't imagine how anyone could call that man a Christian, and I don't know why the Christian Right is still backing him?"

Neither do I, so I decided to do a little digging into some Christian resources and compare and contrast the behavior of the man that has come to lead the modern Christian revolution that threatens civil rights, wages endless war and from time to time bends the truth. Sounds like an interesting spin on the Sermon on the Mount.

First, let's get one thing out of the way. Christianity (or ANY other religious belief) has no place in the governing body of the United States of America. Before anyone's head explodes, that is not in any way an Anti-Christian statement. I happen to be a man with a belief in God and consider myself an (extremely flawed) Christian. But this has nothing to do with Christianity, it has to do with a system of government implemented hundreds of years ago that expressly forbade governing from religious text.

Every day the Christian Coalition crowd harps on and on about the values of our founding fathers, but neglects to inform their followers that the same founding fathers believed in a secular government, despite their personal beliefs. Need proof, well, let's start with the Constitution of the United States of America. Often people quote the 1st Amendment as "FREEDOM OF RELIGION!" However, the actual wording handed down from the "wise old dead white guys (as Charlton Heston would say)" is, "Congress shall make NO law respecting an establishment of religion, or prohibiting the free exercise thereof."

Not just freedom of, but a clearly defined freedom from.

Still need more proof? Let's try out the Treaty of Tripoli, shall we? In the early days (y'know, the founding father days) the United States began to encounter problems when trading with the various theocracies of the world. In response to these issues the U.S. Government drafted "Treaty of peace and friendship between the United States of America and the Bey and Subjects of Tripoli, of Barbary," to official declare it's stance on theocratic government... later shortened by historians to the "Treaty of Tripoli." This document reads:

As the Government of the United States of America is not, in any sense, founded on the Christian religion; as it has in itself no character of enmity against the laws, religion, or tranquility, of Musselmen; and as the said States never have entered into any war or act of hostility against any Mehomitan nation, it is declared by the parties that no pretext arising from religious opinions shall ever produce an interruption of the harmony existing between the two countries.

Don't believe me? Check it out for yourself.

So, now that we've established that the founding fathers did not intend for our great nation to be one steeped in religious doctrine, what does that say about GOP tactics of infusing their names with Evangelical Christian principles? Are the claims being made by the administration simple ignorance (hard to believe from such a highly educated bunch) or are they a more deliberate method of public deception using icons that instill patriotism?

Furthermore, is jingoism a Christian principle? Hardly. One of the most basic teachings of the Bible is to follow the word of God above all else, and yes that even means The President of the United States. Consistently, the Bush Administration spin machine has painted opposition as Anti-American, then tarred Anti-American's with the Anti-Christian brush. The simple fact of the matter is this, it is not only possible, but often necessary to oppose American ideas to more closely follow Biblical teachings.

Direct yourself to Proverbs 28:13, "He who conceals his transgressions will not prosper, but he who confesses and forsakes them will find compassion." From his drug and alcohol problems as a young man to his mishandling of governmental issues the President has repeatedly refused to accept responsibility for his own mistakes. He has used every tool at his disposal to spin, hide and erase records that indicate wrong doing, hardly the character of a truly Christ like figure.

Not only is George W. Bush's personal character contrary to the word of God, but his policies fly in the face of what Christ claims to be important. His administration has cut funding to programs that clothe the needy, feed the hungry and help in the imprisoned. This administration even opposes health care systems for the sick and dying.

Quite simply put, the overwhelming majority of Americans believe in some form of a higher power. The majority of those Americans believe that particular higher power is the Christian God, and a large percentage of those individuals are Bush voters. It's extremely important for us all to realize that pro-life shouldn't equal Republican (in the same way that pro-choice shouldn't equal democrat), and that despite your own beliefs most Christian people aren't Pat Robertson in the same way that most Muslims aren't Osama Bin Laden.

It's time for the left to embrace it's religious side, and for those on the left without a religious side surely you can embrace a few Jesusey ideas, y'know, love, peace, good will, compassion, helping your fellow man and most importantly, EQUALITY for all people.

WWW.PLAYERAPPRECIATE.COM


Rush, go as quickly as you can, stock up on pimp names and pimp cups (and get some spinners for your shoes). But don't be fakin' da funk, otherwise Iceberg Slim here'll have to knock yo hoes.

BITCH.

Big Ern and company are back in action with even more new wacky adventures! That's right folks, this summer's biggest blockbuster may very well be "Weekend at Ernie's." The story begins with the much-maligned Kentucky Governor falling ill to a gallbladder ailment, only to be carried throughout the state by his two "best buds," Cory Meadows and Dick Murgatroyd. Watch the governor's body get into wacky predicaments involving ethics scandals and funeral crashing...

Ok, that was a fairly half-baked attempt at comedy. Had I not been so outraged I quite possibly could have turned it into something, but Ernie and Company have driven me nearly to the point of insanity. For those of you unfamiliar with Governor Ernie Fletcher and his wacky adventures, allow me to throw out a few highlights of his term in office:

* Rolled back state Medicaid requirements to implement "Get Healthy Kentucky!" (Which is pretty much what it sounds like... the Governor yelling "GET HEALTHY" at you until you do... or die)

* Found himself in a dis-war with Jay Leno

* Nearly crashed his private plane into President Reagan's casket causing mass panic and evacuation (not to mention the scrambling of some fighter jets).

* Jacked up health insurance costs to countless state employees, including those "just in it for the money" types... like schoolteachers.

* Began firing life-long state employees based exclusively on their involvement in the Democratic Party... then denied doing so.

* ... then was investigated

* ... then was caught red-handed

* ... then pardoned everyone anyway

* ... then fired everyone (leaving most of the state to share the following expression)

* Hired a major campaign contributor to head up the Governor's Communication Offices at a salary of 105,000 dollars annually... this man is expected to be Big Ern's campaign manager in '07.

* Approval ratings drop to 36%, three points lower than that of former Governor Paul Patton's at the peak of the scandal that drove him from office in shame.

* And now, in his most recent development, Governor Fletcher has appointed two of his campaign contributors to the STATE SUPREME COURT to hear only one case... the charges brought against him by the State Attorney General in the aforementioned scandal.

OH MY GOD... IS THIS REALLY HAPPENING!?

They say that Ohio's Governor (Bob Taft) is actually worse. And being that his approval ratings are somewhere around 19% I'd say that's probably true. BUT HOW!? What can Taft possibly be doing that's much worse than this? He must be breaking in on Ohio State football broadcasts to sing songs in Arabic while stomping on kittens. I promise you that even if he did just that, there would still be members of the Republican Party spinning it as a "non-issue being trumped up by the liberal media."

283 posts...

Since July of last year I've hit the little orange "publish post" button 283 times. In that time other blogs have been born, some have died from neglect, others just shut down. Aaron has crafted what I consider to be the premiere blogging expreience by throwing in everything but the kitchen sink. I'd rip it off, but I have no html knowledge and even less desire to learn. After 283 posts I'm slowing down, running out of things to complain about, and with my social life going from something resembling "Taradise" on the E! Channel to the slowed pace of an Andy Griffith re-run (we'll miss you Don Knotts) I fear that I'm running short on ideas.

Lord knows I've given the Bush Administration enough hell... or have I?

So, if anyone has any ideas, send them to me. You can place them in the comments section, but I'd prefer an email (sent with love to grahamcory@bellsouth.net). Really, anything, anything at all. I don't feel like I'm living for the lord if I'm not rambling on and on at least three times a week on this thing. Maybe someone else's ideas will spark my brain and I can quit making jokes about Troy Aikman's sexuality or Jerome Bettis' appetite... nah, I'll probably still do that.

284, coming right up.

Update at Blogjammin' Movies

Well, I have finally joined the millions of Americans to throw down some hard earned cash to watch Ang Lee's Brokeback Mountain. I made the decision on a whim, packed up my Groucho Marx glasses and fake mustache, strapped on my trench coat and headed out to check out the best "gay cowboy movie made by an Asian guy" ever.

The saga begins with "The Twenty." For those of you not familiar with The Twenty, it's an absolutely shameless twenty-minute commercial for mindless crap that will be coming to a t.v. screen or theater near you thinly disguised as entertainment news. I hate the twenty. I hate it more than AIDS (which, will come into play shortly), but anyway, on to the film.

I decided to make this a main post for two reasons:

1. Brokeback Mountain, for all of it's acclaim, is fairly disappointing.

2. Having made it through yesterday with my heterosexuality in tact I now know that I'll never be swayed to the other side, despite the Gestapo-style gay police patrolling my streets in pink storm trooper uniforms attempting to convert helpless heterosexuals Clockwork Orange style (I can't help myself, I hear "Gypsies, Tramps and Thieves" and I want to KILL!).

So, I sit watching this film. The sheep are flocking, the guitars are plucking, the cowboys are... eating beans and shooting elk... and then I notice something....

-Quick back story-

Several months ago I found a snakeskin belt with a mule belt buckle in my apartment. Desperately needing a belt at the time I picked it up, tried it on and whaddya know, it fits! So, for the past six months or so I've been wearing it, assuming the entire time that it belonged at one point to Casey Johnson and I'd get it back to him when I got a new belt of my very own. A week or so ago I was mentioning the mystery belt to my friend Rachel when she announced that it was her belt, she'd lost it and I could just use it for as long as I needed. Now, it's by no means a girly belt, in fact it's made by the Justin Boot Company, but at one point it did belong to a girl.

Meanwhile, back in the theater...

I'm sitting in the dark, watching this film and attempting not to doze off when I notice something... the belt (which does this from time to time due to it's age) had managed to come undone. When this belt comes undone, the buckle swings widely out from your pants and it's quite obvious to anyone in the same TOWN that your belt is undone. This presents a rather interesting dilemma. I'm sitting next to my dear friend Brinton (of course with the "I'm really quite straight seat" between us), so perhaps fixing the belt during the show isn't the best idea, after all, it's not going to be fun convincing him that all that fiddiln' with my crotch during Brokeback Mountain was a belt repair... even as I type this it sounds like the worst excuse I've ever heard. Then there's the alternative wherein I wait until the end of the film and just fix it during the credits. However, that will require an entire theater of people seeing me stand up after that specific film fastening my pants... also not a good look.

Figuring that I could probably explain the crotch-fiddlin' to Brinton with more ease than the entire theater I decide to RE-ADJUST THE GIRL'S BELT THAT I'M WEARING DURING BROKEBACK MOUNTAIN.

Why do I tell stories like these on myself? I guess because they're funny.

So, we leave the theater fairly unexcited. Brinton points out that the gay sex caught him off guard, making Brinton the only person in history to be surprised by the homosexuality in Brokeback Mountain (ok, he wasn't surprised by the homosexuality, but rather the sudden 0-60 pacing of the cowpoke fornication... but I just wanted to say that). We catch a quick bite to eat, I head to Target to pick up some household items, then decide to just bite the bullet and pick up a copy of RENT on DVD.

I made it back home, watched a musical about AIDS awareness, then the Daily Show and to bed. For the record, RENT is far more gay than Brokeback Mountain. I dunno, maybe Brokeback Mountain didn't strike the chord with me that it was supposed to. Maybe it's because I'm just accustomed to gay cowboys and their sausage...

The summer of 2006 is going to be a major event in the movie industry. Of course, the same statement can be taken out and applied to any summer since the release of Jaws and be fairly accurate, but look at the lineup for this one in particular: X Men 3, Superman Returns, Talladega Nights, Pirates of the Carribean 2 and what looks like a fairly spectacular Mission Impossible 3 just to name a few.

However, there is one film due to be released this summer that has me more excited than any other (and than most others put together). A smaller film, but not some of that "pretentious crap" that I'm known for trying to push on people, that movie is A Scanner Darkly. Directed by Richard Linklater (the man behind Waking Life, Tape, Dazed and Confused and School of Rock) this is a not-so-distant future story where the government takes to recruiting citizens to spy on their friends in aid of our beefed up war on drugs.

The script was famously originally written by Charlie Kaufman, but then at the last minute dropped and replaced by a completely different version. If anyone can explain the logic in turning down a Charlie Kaufman script for ANY reason, I'd be happy to listen. Anyway, check out the trailer here and be amazed. Also, if you're interested, here's a link to Kaufman's original script... surprise, it's guuuuuad.

I spotted this on Aaron's site and had to share. This is the most amazing thing that I've seen from this administration in the last, oh, I'd say... twenty minutes. For those of you that may be reading this from another part of the world, I live in Clay City, Kentucky (located in scenic Powell County). The Red River Gorge and Daniel Boone National Forest lives in Powell County too... or at least it will until the goddamn President of the United States SELLS IT!

I'm not kidding... the goddamn president is going to sell off parts of the Daniel Boone National Forest to raise 800 million dollars for the federal budget.

As Aaron said on his site, this man is the worst president we could have imagined. Seriously, I have a hard time thinking of something else that this jackass could do to make me even more pissed off... luckilly he has people doing that for him right now.

But at least there is some good news today

Vickie has a really top shelf post up today, and I'm not just saying that because I get a "shout-out."

... but I do!

Salvation in less than 20 minutes or ETERNAL DAMNATION!!

It's time for a steak fanatic pizza and some bible study as Domino's Pizza founder Tom Monaghan has started construction on his Catholic Oasis just north of Naples, FL. Monaghan, apparently tired of Christian Exodus dragging their feet on the issue, has decided to take matters into his own hands and purchase 5,000 acres of land in Florida to build what could be the largest, centralized gathering of Republican Voters since the last time Joe Lieberman threw a dinner party.

Construction is already underway for this Catholic paradise which will include a 65 foot crucifix, Roman Catholic University and approximately 11,000 homes... but of course no birth control. After all, birth control is a direct slap in the face to the teachings of Jesus Christ, however spending thousands and thousands of dollars on a sixty-five foot crucifix is a-ok.

Of course, why should you care? The guy has the money to buy the property, he should be allowed to build whatever he chooses to build on it, right? Well, nine times out of ten I completely agree with that... this being the exception. We're talking about a city here, 11,000 people. The question then becomes, who will police these people? Who will govern these people? Do they expect to operate with local protection, local hospitals and vote in local elections, thereby siphoning off local tax dollars while refusing to abide by local law?

Do these people expect to move in, state a religious requirement, alter the rule of law to apply differently to their residents and then expect government help? Will doctors in hospitals in this town be allowed to perform abortions? Since they're banning condoms I'd imagine not, so does that mean that they've found a way to live outside of the law?

Come on now! Whether you agree with the principles that are founding this society or you don't, this should still frighten you. This sets quite a precedent, after all. Can I declare my living room an independent society and thus allow the legalization of prostitution, marijuana and gay marriage (if I find out that I can, please stop by Cory's House of Prostitution, Marijuana and Gay-Marriage for all of your PMG-M needs, fun and civil rights at a reasonable price)?

And if you're inclined to say, "well, if they don't like it they don't have to live there!" Then just imagine what happens when every billionaire buys a few acres and starts his own town. Sure, I'd love to live in George Soros-ville, but we have to draw a line. Maybe these people could just live in some sort of community... some sort of compound.

Nah, that'd never work... besides, those people in Waco were religious nuts, NOTHING like these guys... nothing at all.

The Noid refused to comment

You've got a NASCAR, is it fast enough so we can fly away?

Yep, that's right y'all, over the weekend I had my very first NASCAR experience. No, I didn't head down to the Daytona 500, I did however manage to find the only place in America LOUDER than the race itself. You see, I'm not what you'd call a NASCAR fan. Don't get me wrong, I appreciate the talent that it takes to drive one of those things. I promise you that if I was dropped off on the track and asked to drive at 200 mph in a tight space with 30 other guys for three hours I'd first soil myself, then get out of the car and walk away.

Now, having said that, I would also like to say that I can't think of anything more boring than a NASCAR race. As my friend Shane once said, "If I wanted to watch cars drive in a circle for three hours I'd just save my money and stare at New Circle Road all day (a very busy and very round road in Lexington, KY (for my out of town readers))." I can see the excitement for the first 20 laps and the last 20 laps, but the 160 laps in the middle, eh, not getting it.

However, I'm in an ever shrinking part of the population. It seems that more and more people fall in love with this sport every year, MANY of them female. It's actually a fact that NASCAR is the only American sport where female viewers outnumber male viewers. Any of my female readers care to explain this? It's even gotten to the point states are issuing NASCAR plates to their citizens. I saw one of these while visiting family in West Virginia over the holidays and nearly cried, but now I see that Mississippi has joined in on the fun (thank God, now WV can go back to it's rightful home as 3rd most redneck American state, sorry Mississippi and Arkansas).

It seems that these days everyone's getting in on the action... and why not? NASCAR is big business with big ratings and I'd imagine big revenue for anyone willing to slap their logo on the front of a car. Of course you do run the risk of losing your investment in the first major left turn, but just think how much the advertising has done for... uhm, DuPont. I mean, DuPont's products are through the roof, and, uhm... the shelves at Wal-Mart are lined with DuPonts. In fact, just the other day I was out shopping for TV Dinners and thought, "oh hell, I'm out of DuPonts, and I'd better pick up some cotton too."

Even Jesus is getting into the act these days, because really, are you going to bump JESUS off of the track? Only if your name's JEFF GORDON.

Jesus apparently also supports Interstate Batteries and Wellbutrin XL, now THAT'S marketing.

But, I must say, it's the communal appeal that must draw people to this extravaganza. You load up the RV, hit the road and wake up somewhere near Bristol. You unpack and suddenly you're surrounded by thousands of like-minded individuals, all thirsty for mangled vehicles and blood. It's a non-judgmental atmosphere, a place where you can be comfortable in your own skin, a place where you can make jokes about Jeff Gordon's sexuality. Even a place where a sign like this is showered with praise.

I don't even know where to begin to make fun of this sign... I guess a picture really is worth a thousand words.

So, there you have it. I hate NASCAR. Commence the stone throwing at your convenience... BUT, before you do, remember that at least I did watch almost 170 laps before coming to that conclusion. Nah, that's alright, throw your stones, it really does suck.

Hold on to your seats folks, because the Millard L. Webb Film Festival lineup is here! For those of you that may have missed out on last year's festival or have no idea what I'm talking about, the Millard L. Webb Film Festival is held on a Saturday-Sunday from noon to noon at the Meadows House on Fife Lick Road. One film comes directly after another and mountains of beer are available... a good time is had by all. It looks like the date may very well be announced this afternoon/evening, but for now let's take a look at the kickass pictures lined up for you this year (schedule presented in military time).

On the Main Screen (y'know, the big one in the bigger room)

A Perfect World - 12:00-14:40
Dog Day Afternoon - 14:20-16:30
Hotel Rwanda - 16:30-18:35
Unforgiven - 18:35-20:50
The Constant Gardener - 20:50-23:00
Kung Fu Hustle - 23:00-00:40
The Aristocrats - 00:40-02:15
Natural Born Killers - 02:15-04:20
Sin City - 04:20-06:50
Miller's Crossing - 06:50-09:00
Some Like It Hot - 09:00-11:00
Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind - 11:00-12:48

On the 2nd Screen (the little one in the little, scary room)

Lenny - 12:00-14:00
Fog of War - 14:00-15:40
Mullholland Drive - 15:40-18:10
Barton Fink - 18:10-20:10
Heavy Metal - 20:10-21:45
Wild at Heart - 21:45-24:00
High Tension - 24:00-01:35
May - 01:35-03:10
Naked Lunch - 03:10-05:10
George Washington - 05:10-06:45
21 Grams - 06:45-09:00
Garden State - 09:00-10:45
Grizzly Man- 10:45-12:30

So, that's the lineup. We hope to give you guys a date this afternoon, but I can assure you that it'll be within the next month and a half, it all depends on working the schedules of festival organizers around the schedule of the Meadows House. If there are any lineup changes you can find information on this site or check with Brinton and/or Aaron. Hope to see a big turnout this year!

Willie Nelson has released what may be the first major label gay cowboy song... since gay cowboys are now the hottest topic on earth.


The song, "Cowboys Are Frequently, Secretly (Fond of Each Other)" is on Nelson's latest album and follows close on the heels of his work on the Brokeback Mountain soundtrack. Unfortunately, this isn't a Nelson original. Originally penned by songwriter Ned Sublette in 1981, "Cowboys..." was later covered by classic alt-rock band Pansy Division and now by the Red Headed Stranger himself. Click here for the lyrics, but in case you'd rather not, let me share a few. Wow... just wow.

Cowboys are frequently secretly fond of each other
What did you think those saddles and boots was about?
There's many a cowboy who don't understand the way that he feels towards his brother,
Inside every cowboy there's a lady who'd love to slip out.

Wow... just wow.

Over the weekend the schedule was set for the 2nd Annual Millard L. Webb Film Festival. Details are rather sketchy at this time, but we hope to have full information coming at you like a Bill "Super Foot" Wallace film in 3-D... in fact, if we had one of those this festival would be muuuuch better.

I can't remember the entire lineup, but I do know that we're looking at the same setup as last year, but with far more tolerable films. Much to my surprise (har har har), The Man With the Movie Camera, Un Chien Andalou, and The Passion of Joan of Arc weren't the SMASH HITS that I'd imagined they'd be, so we've drifted closer to the mainstream. Now, by mainstream I certainly don't mean "come join us for an evening of Michael Bay films," but rather films that are interesting, challenging and complex, and also at some point or another actually aired in your town or were made after your birth.

I can't remember the entire list, but you can expect to see The Constant Gardener, High Tension, Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind, The Aristocrats, Grizzly Man, George Washington, and Wild at Heart to name a few of the 26 films on the lineup. For more information keep checking here, along with Brinton's blog and Aaron's anti-blog. We'll have a lineup for you bloodthirsty filmhounds asap!

Happy Valentine's Day!

Well, the Hallmark event of the season is upon us and hopefully you've all spent absurd amounts of money on gifts for people and so on and so forth. Because, as you know, you don't really love someone unless you present them with a talking bear or some pink ice on February 14th. Now, you may be saying to yourself, "oh, Cory's just bitter because he doesn't have a valentine." That's simply not true. I've been sending Jenna Bush heart shaped cards for a month now (she's so cute, she sent me a secret service guy... right to my front door!).

But anyway, I just thought that now was as good of a time as any to remind everyone that reads this that despite our differences we're all one big family... that seems to fight constantly. Now I'm certainly not trying to tell anyone how to run their railroad, especially since the Chinamen that built mine took a break from about 2002-2005, but I've learned a few things in the last year that I thought I'd share. Why do you care what I think, I dunno, but if you're still reading then my talons are in!

With all of the squabbling that goes on in day-to-day life we're all very fortunate to have friends surrounding us. From time to time we're bound to irritate each other and various clans will war, but I have faith that in one way or another everything will work out. I've most certainly wronged people in my life, done things that I'm not proud of and hurt people around me. On the flip side I've been hurt, been wronged and so on and so forth. But what matters is perspective and forgiveness. I think we'd all be served pretty well by remembering three really good things that someone has done for us before we react in anger.

The time they helped you move
The time they drove your drunk ass home
The time they picked you up from the airport
The time they were a concerned ear when you had a problem
The time they loaned you that twenty bucks and never asked about it again
The time they quoted you
The time they bought you a Christmas/Birthday present
The time they complimented something you'd done
The time they shared something with you
The time they forgave you

None of these are directed at specific people, so don't think they are (even if they sound very familiar). These are just ideas, things that I know people do for one another. So before you get angry, think back to the past and whether or not that person has ever been there for you, because no one is "all bad."

For the record, I can safely say for the first time in my life that I don't hate, dislike or curse anyone under my breath. If you wonder where you stand with me, you're in fine shape. I don't have any animosity to direct at anyone.

Essentially this is just me getting that out there, getting this off of my chest. I certainly don't expect everyone to kiss and make up overnight, or even over ten years. But I do think that it's important to remember that as mad as you get at someone in the present, you couldn't have done without them in the past, and that has to be worth something.

Note: I'll be the first to admit that this is rambling and poorly written, but I didn't really feel like it was appropriate to edit the hell out of it. I wanted it to feel more like one of those three or four minute rambling soapbox speeches that I go on from time to time. Happy Valentine's Day! And now, a monkey with a baseball bat.

New post at Blogjammin' Movies!

No kickass originals for you guys today, just a few news updates. However, I do promise to close with a news update so shocking... so horrific... so disturbing that you may never recover.

Everyone's favorite wack-job right winger Ann "The Man" Coulter has taken to publicly calling Arabs "ragheads" and joking about the assassination of President Clinton. Now, I'm the first one to enjoy a good murder joke, but come on here. Could you imagine for one second the kind of rage that would come spewing from the mouths of these wackos if someone even hinted at one day making a joke just to themselves about the assassination of George Bush with no one else around in a vaccum sealed room on the moon?

Of course, quick to spring into action and defend all that is right and good in the world, ethical poster boy Bill Frist responded by saying, "I wasn't there, so I'd better not comment."

... because something like that is so very easy to be taken out of context.

Republican douchebaggery just seems to know no limits lately, which doesn't really come as much of a surprise. But let's switch gears this time to some douchebaggin not just from the right-wing, but from their personal Ministry of Information, Fox News.

While visiting the city of Los Angeles over the last week, President Bush announced proudly that the department of Homeland Security working in conjunction with the NSA, CIA and FBI had managed to thwart a terrorist attack on downtown LA skyscrapers. Unfortunately this news came as quite a shock to Los Angeles Mayor Antonio Villaraigosa who told the press, ""I'm amazed that the president would make this (announcement) on national TV and not inform us of these details through the appropriate channels. I don't expect a call from the president — but somebody."

Of course, all of this may be irrelevant when yet another scandal breaks free from the Bush Whitehouse and goes screeching for sweet mother freedom (and the Drudgereport). That's right folks, it's quite possible that the Mayor of Los Angeles hadn't heard much about the diabolical plans to crush the LA Skyline because... there may have actually been no plans to do so.

What does any of this have to do with Fox News? Well, immediately following the president's chest thumping over his minimal involvement in stopping an attack that may or may not have actually been planned the loyal followers at Fox decided to illustrate what an attack on Los Angeles would look like... using footage from the Roland Emmerich classic, "Independence Day."

I'm not kidding. I saw the video on Olbermann, but unfortunately I can't find it online. If anyone can, PLEASE email me and I'll have it up here immediately.

Now, let's move on to everyone's favorite inept director of the Federal Emergency Management Association, Michael Brown. It appears that Mr. Brown, terribly upset with the lack of warm fuzzy hugs pouring out from the Bush Administration, has decided to "squeal like a pig" ... ok, bad analogy, how about "sing like a canary."

Let's let the AP do the talking for just a second: Under oath, Brown told the Senate Homeland Security and Governmental Affairs Committee that he could not explain why his appeals failed to produce a faster response.

That's the Busheviks for you, always eager to take care of the downtrodden. If there's one thing that you can say about these guys it's that they really know how to take care of the indigent and, especially, minorities. Brown then went on to blubber and moan for several more minutes, never really accepting any blame and shifting all of his troubles onto the HNIC, and his staff.

"I expected them to cut every piece of red tape, do everything they could ... that I didn't want to hear anybody say that we couldn't do everything they humanly could to respond to this," Brown said, "Because I knew in my gut this was the bad one." This just in, apparently Michael Brown's gut has the amazing ability to predict shit that EVERYONE ELSE IN THE WORLD KNEW! I hear that he moonlights guessing your age and weight at the fair.

Now, this brings us to the SHOCKING moment of the day. Brace yourself. This is a wallop.

... actually it's more funny than anything.

The Texas Air National Guard has erected a bronze statue to commemorate the service of it's most famous patriot, Lt. G.W. Bush.

I'm not making this up.

Don't believe me, do you? "Surely," you're saying, "SURELY the Texas Air National Guard wouldn't commemorate a statue of a man who's service record is spotty at best. Surely they wouldn't."

Oh yeah? Then how do you explain THIS!?

I'd like to point out that the base of the statue reads, "George W. Bush, President of the United States 2001- " Uhm... is there something that we don't know? I mean, clearly the guy's leaving at the end of this term... right? Oh God... OHMYGOD!

Sorry to have been M-I-A on you guys for the last few days, but the various microscopic creepy crawlies have prevented me from accomplishing even the smallest tasks. I promise to return to the blogosphere the very instant that someone breaks up the Slayer concert that seems to be going on 'round the clock in my GI Tract.

Was that too graphic? Sorry if'n y'alls offended.

This image just in of Ben Roethlisberger celebrating the Steelers' victory with a night on the town... wow, the guy's all class.

In the proud tradition of great sportswriters (and much to the chagrin of great sportswriters) I have decided to offer up a play-by-play analysis of the 2006 Superbowl! Now, for those of you that immediately tune out when you see the word “football” in one of these posts, never fear, it’s filled with far more of the bitching and complaining that you’ve grown to know and love than it is actual football talk.

So here we go.

6:05 - Aaron Neville, Aretha Franklin and Dr. John join forces to bless us all with what seemed to be a nearly endless National Anthem. Look, there’s Secretary of State Condoleeza Rice! The look on her face clearly says, “I love this country, and I really wish they’d been able to get Garth Brooks for the anthem.”

6:08 – A quick check of the other networks is in order. What’s more fun than checking out what the other guys have decided to run against the highest rated night of television of the year? The winner this year, TBS. Apparently the folks at TBS decided not to make use of Seinfeld, Friends, Sex & The City or even Family Guy, instead rolling out an 8 hour marathon of “Yes, Dear.” This move being the television executive’s equivalent to wearing sweatpants in public.

6:15 – Harrison Ford brings us an unusual Dr. Seuss related “do it for the kids” thingamajig. It seems as if these days Harrison will essentially take the first role that he’s offered that day, in fact, he’s driving me to the grocery store tomorrow.

6:20 – The first ad for the Grey’s Anatomy post-game episode. I’ve never seen the show, but the commercials are going to give me nightmares. I guess I’ll have to tune in to find out what “code black” actually is… as will Condoleeza.

6:26 – The first play of the game and the first appearance of Troy Polamalu’s hair… I’m glad that I upgraded to the widescreen television before the game.

6:38 – In their first Superbowl ad of the season, Sierra Mist has managed to find the one key element that’s been keeping their ads from being the worst on television… that’s right, Kathy Griffin.

6:45 – Toyota debuts a hybrid commercial that sends me into a diabetic coma, the next five minutes are a blur.

6:50 – Pittsburgh three and out, Roethlisberger looks a little fuzzy, hmm…

6:53 – Darrell Jackson ties the Superbowl first quarter record with five receptions.

6:37 – Seattle kicks one through the uprights to take the lead, 3-0.

7:03 – The first appearance of Kiss’ “Detroit Rock City” over a shot of the city, I can’t believe that it took this long.

7:10 – Is there a better name in professional sports than Max Strong? As a boy he really only had two career options, football player or secret identity.

7:12 – WTVQ splits the screen to bring us the local school closing update brought to you by Jack Kain Ford. Clearly Mr. Kain has spent the last few days doing “snow dances” in the parking lot, thus receiving history’s cheapest Superbowl ad.

7:14 – A very hungry Jerome Bettis makes his first appearance, runs for two yards and returns to the bench for a hoagie.

7:19 – Roethlisberger throws an interception, perhaps seeing double coverage?

7:25 – Fade to commercial Antwaan Randle El lying on the field in pain, however not nearly as much pain as I find myself in after viewing an ad for Disney’s remake of “The Shaggy Dog” starring Tim Allen.

7:28 – Suzy Kolber joins us for an update on injured Seahawk, Marguand Manuel. “They had to take him off the field to pull his pants down and tape up his groin,” says a matter of fact Kolber from the sideline. This is only made funnier by the fact that it’s now a voiceover with Manuel on the screen, on the bike, loosening up and having no idea what’s being broadcast to the world.

7:39 – Big Ben seems to have shaken his hangover and rushes in for a touchdown. Not a real touchdown mind you, but one of those wacky touchdowns that only the Pittsburgh Steelers seem to get.

7:49 – In the first “what the hell” moment of the evening, Seattle runs the ball then proceeds to run the clock down ten seconds in the closing seconds of the first half… Rod Sperling seen grinning on the sideline.

8:03 – Kevin calls. After a brief discussion about Bill Cowher’s daughters’ chins and Mike Holmgren’s general frumpiness the conversation twists to Grey’s Anatomy. You know that the first half of the Superbowl has been less than exciting when you spend halftime speculating as to what “code black” could be.

8:08 – The animatronic horrors known as The Rolling Stones take the stage… will it be a medley? Only time will tell! Charlie Watts was replaced years ago by the “Billy Bob” robot from Showbiz Pizza, however with modern technological advancement the rest are actual cyborgs. On a side note, did anyone else notice that apparently Clarence Clemmons has joined the Stones lineup? I’m no Rolling Stones expert, but I don’t remember a large black man being part of the group. It also appeared to be someone’s job to keep him off camera as much as possible… really, Janet Jackson’s nipple had more airtime than this poor guy.

8:32 – Willie Parker (or “Fast” Willie Parker as John Madden said roughly 20 times) charges for a 75 yard touchdown run, the longest in Superbowl history, I begin to consider joining up with the “Yes, Dear” marathon.

8:47 – Jerome Bettis runs for 11 yards, his longest rush in 150 seasons… he then crawls back to the bench to vomit.

8:52 – Seattle Seahawk Kelly Herndon intercepts a Roethlisberger pass for a 76 yard return, the longest in history. Perhaps Hines Ward won’t be strolling to the MVP trophy after all.

8:54 – Touchdown Seattle, the ratings at TBS plummet.

9:01 – Rocky Bernard goes out with an injured hamstring. John Madden is heard saying, “What do you think they were looking at when they made him take his pants off? You don’t check a hamstring that way.” At this point I’d encourage you to look back to 7:28… I’ll give you a second… back? Ok, now, WHO IN THE HELL ARE THESE DOCTORS?!

9:15 – Sprint unveils a commercial featuring the classic Benny Hill theme, “Yakkity Sax,” quite possibly the highlight of the entire Superbowl.

9:20 – A bad holding call knocks Seattle back from the 1 yard line, which leads to a sack, which leads to an interception, which leads to a ludicrous penalty and Pittsburgh now has the ball at the forty yard line. You know that it’s bad when even John Madden is raising his eyebrow.

9:28 – Randle El pulls a play out of the “NFL Blitz” videogame playbook and completes the first touchdown pass ever thrown by a receiver in the Superbowl to, of course, Hines Ward. In other news, on a very special “Yes, Dear,” Kim has trouble adjusting when Christine and Jimmy moved next door and make new friends… sounds interesting.

9:32 – Fumble madness featuring Matt Hasselbeck. Will it be overturned? The ref’s are waiting to make sure that Bill Cowher’s check clears before deciding.

9:36 – The check bounces, the call is overturned. To Cowher’s credit, with the money he’s already spent on a few earlier calls and the cosmetic chin-reductions for his daughters anyone would be strapped for cash.

9:53 – Seattle has the ball, down by two scores with no timeouts. Well, at least we’re getting closer to the “emotional goodbye from Jerome Bettis.”

10:02 – The Pittsburgh Steelers hoist the Lombardi trophy, I begin banging my head against the wall in preparation for the movie of the week.

Thus bringing us to the end of the 2005-06 NFL Football season and the beginning of the “Cory begins defending his lukewarm feelings for the Cincinnati Reds to Cody and Aaron” season. At least for those of you that grow tired of mile long football posts you get a reprieve for a few months.

Oh, and I won’t give away the secret of “code black” since I know that some of you are waiting to watch the videotaped or tivo’ed version. But I will tell you that for a show set in a hospital during a major crisis, Grey’s Anatomy certainly seems to feature an inordinate amount of half-naked women. So see, silver lining!

Additional Busey discussion.

While doing some Busey snooping I came across this Christian film froma few years ago. Now, I haven't seen the film, but based on the poster I can assume that it's probably not Citizen Kane. However, I'd like to point out a few things about this film that are making me laugh.

1. "From the Makers of: LEFT BEHIND: THE MOVIE." I'm going to assume that most of you haven't seen "LEFT BEHIND: THE MOVIE," and that's most certainly wise. However, in the interest of fair and balanced reporting I actually did sit through (most of) LEFT BEHIND: THE MOVIE. Even for a low budget attempt at an action packed thriller, even for a film that stars Kirk Cameron and even for a film that beats you over the head with religious fervor it's bad. It's not just bad... I've seen middle school student films that were better, I'm serious... I really have.

2. Surely the people responsible for making these straight-to-video religious films can find SLIGHTLY better actors than these. Here's a hint, just because I recognize the names of the people in the film, doesn't make them stars. When you can only pull Margot Kidder, Gary Busey and HOWIE MANDEL, just go with unknowns.

3. Gary Busey's face on the poster. Have you ever seen anyone less interested in being on a movie poster? His expression reads, "Damn, how did I get here?" I don't know, but judging by Howie's face it's quite shocking.

4. This poster has the best review tagline EVER. In case you can't make it out it says, "The Best End of Time Film - Hollywood Jesus." For the record, I checked out Hollywood Jesus. This is the most visually annoying site I've seen in ages. It looks as if a crack team of high school freshman girls worked round the clock to bring us this masterpiece.

5. Just click here and read the plot.

Just when you thought that Gary Busey couldn't possibly out-crazy himself he packed up and headed for Turkey, bringing his acting talent and special Texas brewed madness along. Now, we're all familiar with some of the classic works of Turkish Cinema like Turkish Star Wars and Three Dev Adam, but this is a new revolution in Turkey, the huge budget epic.


Busey will play a doctor involved in, well... I'd say that it's best to just let the article do the talking, here's a quote:

They kill dozens of innocent people with random machine gun fire, shoot the groom in the head, and drag those left alive to Abu Ghraib prison - where a Jewish doctor cuts out their organs, which he sells to rich people in New York, London and Tel Aviv.

...wow

I do believe that the sound you hear in the distance is Ann Coulter's head exploding.

For the record, this film also stars Billy Zane... but Gary Busey is just funnier.

The results are in folks, and it's a barnburner! However, in a BBC poll of, well, the rest of the world the winner of the "Biggest Jackass on the Planet" award is... IRAN! Congratulations Iran, just narrowly beating out the United States in a tough competition. Don't give up America, there's always next year.

Now, I'm not going to sit here and run the good ol' United States down. Of course I have some major issues with the way that we're running our ship these days, but my god, we're still better than CHINA! It really speaks volumes about our perception of ourselves versus that of the rest of the world and should serve as a rather loud wake-up call to the people of America to consider the damage that we're doing to our international reputation.

Now, it's easy to say that these numbers are irrelevant. That the opinions of other nations really shouldn't matter to the world's only remaining superpower. Those people often tend to be the very same individuals that maintain support for the action being taken in Iraq and encourage similar efforts in other nations. As fun as a good old fashioned war may be, it's certainly a lot easier on us when someone else is doing at least part of the dying.

So, it might not hurt to give this article a look. Actually read it and think about how you're seen abroad. The rest of the world is a fairly big place, even bigger than Texas! So maybe we should take what they say with a little more than a grain of salt... or just be lumped in with China.

... or not, either way y'know.

On January 6, 2006 one of history's most important and long-awaited peace accords was signed in Las Vegas, NV. When a man thinks of global conflict, he often looks to the Israeli-Palestinian troubles, America's War on Terror and the ongoing presence of the IRA in Northern Ireland. But of all the world's often violent squabbling, one conflict has resonated through the years, stirring every sort of emotion in the strongest of the world's leaders.

Now, with peace finally returned we can begin to get on with our lives. I can feel a return to normalcy in my own life, breathing a sigh of relief and knowing above all that my children will never have to live in a world filled with this type of uncertainty. They will never have to question why peace can be so difficult to reach. Because, my friends, if these two can make amends, then surely we can all mend fences.

Today is a better day that yesterday, let peace ring from the mountains.

Ben Roethlisberger likes beards.

Ben Roethlisberger likes to drink.

But most of all, Ben Roethlisberger likes the ladies.

Now, I'm not saying that these women are unattractive, but come on. If you're Ben-freaking-Roethlisbeger surely you can do better. Now maybe it's because he's very obviously the most heavily intoxicated man on the planet in these pictures. Perhaps it's because the women in Pittsburgh are so damn hideous that these are the cream of the crop. Or maybe it's because secretly all of the uber-hot women in the city know what a loser "Big Ben" actually is and steer clear of him.

Either way, I present you with photographic images of a jackass gettin' jacky in what looks like someone's basement. Wow, way to go superstud.

Special thanks to Greg for sending this my way.

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For those of you with an interest in this type of thing, let me be the first to share with you the complete list of candidates for local office back home in the P.C.

County Clerk

(D) Rhonda Allen Barnett
(D) Michelle Faulkner Hensley

County Attorney

(D) Robert Graham King
(D) Scott Graham

County Sheriff

(D) Joe Martin
(D) Gregory Conner
(D) Albert Elkins
(R) Danny Rogers
(R) Randy Lacy
(D) Warren "Harry" Bowen

County Judge Executive

(D) Darren L. Farmer
(D) Chester Crabtree
(D) Myers Arnett
(D) Bezel Hall
(D) James D. Anderson Jr.
(D) Forest Meadows
(D) Gary Brock
(R) W.M. Bill Thorpe
(R) Tommy Pittman
(R) Randy Bowen

County Jailer

(D) Melvin Rogers
(D) Danny McCormick
(D) David Matthews
(D) Robert E. Curtis
(R) Ted Lacy

County Coroner

(D) Carl Wells Sr.

County Surveyor

(D) Blake Adams

P.V.A.

(D) Betty Maloney Atkinson

Circuit Court Clerk

(D) Darlene Drake
(D) John "J.J." Brewer

Circuit Court Judge

(Non-Partisan) Monica Lacy
(Non-Partisan) Larry Miller

Magistrate District #1

(D) Bobby Ginter
(D) Loretta Fouch
(D) Allie Benton
(D) Anthony Faulkner

Magistrate District #2

(D) Kenneth "Goat" Rice
(D) Ricky Creed
(D) Roger Hollon
(D) Roger Means
(R) Terry Patton

Magistrate District #3

(D) Harold Hurst
(D) Jearl D. Rogers
(D) Enoch Thomas IV

Magistrate District #4

(D) Larry Epperson
(D) Gerald Tharpe
(D) Johnny "Red" Tackett
(D) Jim Dennis
(D) John Jerry Barker Jr.
(D) Calvin McDaniel
(R) Doug Rogers

Magistrate District #5

(D) George D. Elkins Jr.
(D) Shirley Crabtree

In case you're wondering where the constable and city races are, I'm only including countywide races and races that shape county-wide policy (i.e. magistrates). If you'd like an update of the seperate city and district races I'll be happy to include them.