Here I go, sliding in just under the buzzer and well after Christmas... sigh... I'll do better next year. Anyway, after reading tons of 'em I thought I'd assemble my top ten albums of the year list! The ten albums that on one level or another never really left my ears in 2006. It really wasn't THAT great of a year for music, but that was fine with me since #1 (no surprises here) seemed to overpower pretty much everything.

Anyway, here we go with some good, old-fashioned ego... as I assume that you'll remotely care what my ten favorite records of the year were.


10. The Decemberists - The Crane Wife

Yet more geeky, hyper-literate soft rock from the Pacific Northwest's lords and masters of geeky, hyper-literate soft rock. It doesn't quite pack the punch of Picaresque, but the mournful moping of Victorian-era wannabe losers just never seems to get old. Even if you hate the music, that overwhelming feeling of "I could kick this band's ass" always makes you feel a little warm and fuzzy... and despite what Yo La Tengo may have you think, they're #2 on that list.



9. The Thermals - The Body The Blood The Machine

Jangly, whiny pseudo-punk taking on the religious fundamentalists, always a winner at parties. Theme records usually become rather tiresome after about the first four or five songs, but this one manages to hold your attention for the full 35 or so minutes of its run time. "The Body..." has an old-school "indie rock" feel to it, which I guess means that it sounds like Built To Spill. It's captivating, poppy and preachy, which is how I like to sum up an evening with me after a few beers, before too many beers arrive and the first two disappear.


8. Ghostface Killah - Fishscale

I'm not sure exactly when it was that Ghostface went from bit-player in the Wu-Tang Clan to every white college kid's favorite MC, but it certainly seems to have happened. Fishscale is loaded with rhymes that feel classic when compared to the sea of mediocrity that seems to have engulfed hip-hop. Of course, the gritty, soulful underground feel of his past work shines through, but never feels stale. I wish someone would have told me ten years ago that Ghostface would be making some of the most exciting music on the planet, then I probably wouldn't have put that old Wu-Tang shirt in the yard sale.

7. Primal Scream - Riot City Blues

I can't remember the exact review that Pitchfork Media gave this record, but I'm pretty sure that it's numerical score (on a scale of 1-10) was less than 1. This, of course, was more than enough to get me to buy the album immediately. Odds are that if Pitchfork hates an album and describes it as stupid rock music, I'm going to love it. Of course I did, and I defy anyone to tell me that "Country Girl" wasn't the best single of the summer... take that Gnarls Barkley.



6. The Subways - Young For Eternity

More dumb rock n' roll, but this time it's from another country! The Subways made the record that Jet or Oasis or at least someone we'd heard of should have. Big licks, sing along choruses and an absolutely fantastic song about some chick named Mary make this one of the ultimate records of 2006. There's something to be said for songs about rock n' roll, not rock songs, but rock songs about rock songs and the people that love rock songs. In 2006 there was no better song about rock chicks who love rock songs than "Rock & Roll Queen."


5. Midlake - The Trials of Van Occupanther

The "playing with your navel record of '06" winner! Midlake made 2006's best album for a drive. Not a drive where you actually intend to get anywhere in a hurry, but the kind of drive where you mistakenly take the wrong exit and are just to nonplussed to give a damn. It's perfect for an evening at home, in the dark, with a glass of bourbon and a smoke. However, "It Covers the Hillsides" has all of the charm of a Belle & Sebastian sing along. I guess, like anything else, you take from it what you put in it.


4. Cat Power - The Greatest

With James Brown now feelin' good up in heaven, who's left to bring hot buttered soul to the masses? Well, apparently it's Cat Power. I once heard the first track of this album mistaken for Norah Jones, a pretty accurate comparison. It's like Norah Jones without all of the Norah Jones hype (and without stealing much deserved awards from Bruce Springsteen). It's comfortable, relaxing piano music that may just inspire you to light the fire, pour a glass of Hennessey and unleash the fury of your loins... or in my case, the mild temperament of your loins.


3. M. Ward - Post-War

As the least popular member of that whole Bright Eyes/My Morning Jacket/Rilo Kiley crowd, M. Ward seemed destined to be the Jeff Lynne of the organization. However, a near classic album showcased in a year of weak outputs from his cohorts (save Jenny Lewis) allowed Mr. Ward's talents to shine a little more brightly. This album is near perfection from start to finish with one of the catchiest songs of the year in "Magic Trick." It's also worth mentioning that the video for "Chinese Translation" absolutely rocks.


2. Tom Waits - Orphans

Three discs, three moods, each one clearly as Tom Waits as hell. Orphans is a collection of Waits' songs that could have or should have been passed on to the general public long ago. Fortunately for us, he decided to take the time to slap them together (in an extremely neat package) and hand them over, just in time for Christmas! Tom Waits has a way of making you feel cooler than you actually are, so be warned... just because you've learned the words to these songs doesn't give you the go-ahead to put on a pork pie hat and head off to impress the ladies... it just doesn't work, trust me.

1. The Hold Steady - Boys & Girls in America

Unfortunately, no one stood a chance this year after The Hold Steady dropped a new release in early October. Filled with stories of lost love, gained love, missing friends, drunken nights and one especially moving encounter in the chill out tent, Boys & Girls in America is a seminal rock masterpiece that will struggle to find peers for years to come. The only unfortunate drawback to listening to this record is that somehow, some way, it still doesn't capture the power of seeing the band live... THAT is truly amazing.


That, my friends, brings an end to the best records of 2006 (in my humble opinion). Let the bashing commence, point out things I've forgotten. For the record, I didn't "forget" The Seeger Sessions, Ringleader of the Tormentors, Rabbit Fur Coat or any of the other records that clearly had a real shot at making the cut... they just simply didn't make it. Maybe next year we can build on a top 20, or get all bloated and rock a top 50 list like Rolling Stone (although, if I'm forced to include My Chemical Romance for lack of fifty quality albums, you can forget it).

I'm really hoping that you get the joke... otherwise I'm going to look like a real ass

As I'm sure you've heard, President Gerald Ford has passed on. I'd imagine that some of you are expecting something snarky here, as I've never been one to cry in my beer at the natural passing of former Republican Presidents... however, Ford is different. Sure, he made his mistakes (The Warren Commission, pardoning Nixon, underestimating gravity), but all-in-all Gerald Ford was a decent man who simply tried to make the best of an unfortunate situation.

Of course, at 93 years old his passing is hardly surprising news, but it still took me back a bit when I first heard the news this morning. Ford was a passable president, not great... sort of the Millard Fillmore of our day. But, his everyman aesthetic and the tireless efforts of his wife to combat substance abuse problems in our country are to be commended.

Rest in peace, big guy. They'll have plenty of nachos in heaven.

There's no reason to share this, other than the fact that it's been stuck in my head all afternoon... enjoy.

"There are nights when i think that sal paradise was right. Boys and girls in america have such a sad time together."

So begins the best album of 2006, and maybe the best album I've ever heard.

Originally I'd planned this blog post to be part one of a five-part series on the five biggest cultural forces of 2006. I'd planned on mentioning The Hold Steady, Steven Colbert, Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, Sasha Cohen and Chuck Klostermann... my way of flying the bird to Time Magazine's "Person of the Year" cop out. I drove and drove, thinking of what to say, but kept coming back to The Hold Steady, thus this piece simply evolved into a love letter to the greatest rock band on the planet.

Calling The Hold Steady a "rock band" is like calling George Bush an "asshole." They aren't A rock band, they're THE rock band.

Last year I got my hands on a copy of Separation Sunday... yes it was an illegal download, but my conscience eventually got the best of me and I purchased a "real" copy of the record. It took one listen, just one spin from start to finish to realize that I was holding something very special. This wasn't just some indie-rock record that would prompt dozens of sixteen year olds to buy skin tight t-shirts and posture endlessly about expression and the underground. This was a real record, one with teeth, but mostly one with meaning. Several hours (and several longnecks) later, I'd fallen in love with a record in a way that I hadn't since I was a child.

Separation Sunday isn't as much an album as it is a story. It's the story of old friends, people you knew from your younger days doing the things you did and going the places you went. I found my friends, my old haunts and my demons in that record. I found pain, joy and ultimately redemption... I found part of myself that I thought I'd lost forever. Listening to Separation Sunday is like flipping through a photo album or slamming back a few beers with old friends at the local bar. It's Springsteen's "Glory Days," only darker, more complicated, more real and considerably longer.

Lead singer and lyricist Craig Finn paints lavish pictures of life in a scene filled with parties, drugs, misery, euphoria and eventually triumph. It's every "scene" in every town in America, from New York City (pop. 8 million) to the Twin Cities (pop. 2.81 million) to Clay City (pop. 1,303). It's the story of the people you know, and if you've ever battled addiction or know someone who has, it's the story of your (or their) life.


So, it was with great apprehension that I purchased "Boys & Girls In America," the band's subsequent release. I'd found something so special in their last record that the thought of a sub-par follow up could be a rather painful experience. However, I needed more. I'd become one of the characters in Separation Sunday, chasing a hit through the streets and meeting strange men in back alleys with bootleg copies of live shows. A trip to Chicago for Lollapalooza in early August provided a much needed "quick fix" as I experienced the band live for the first time, standing in the front row and screaming myself ragged. It was a gloomy sunday, but as amazing as it sounds, the clouds parted and the sun poured seemingly directly on the stage during the piano solo that is the heart and soul of "Stevie Nix." It felt almost as if God himself was a fan, just trying to get a better look at the stage.


After the show I met the band, who happened to be staying at our hotel. Without a trace of arrogance Craig and I briefly debated whether or not Newport was in Kentucky or Cincinnati, I promised to drive as far as necessary to see them again... luckilly that drive was to Newport (which, incidentally, is in Kentucky).


But, back to the original point. Boys & Girls in America was a triumph. A record that was more Clay City than New York, filled with songs about outdoor party pits, drunk dancing at the prom and the difficult dynamics of modern relationships. Each song seemed to speak to me just as profoundly, but on a different level, as Separation Sunday. It was every girl I'd ever dated, the real true love of my life and all the stories in between.

Lyrically, the songs were packed with the same details, clever references and blue-collar struggles that made the first album a monument to the artform. It's that type of thing that previoiusly only Bruce Springsteen seemed to understand... a song isn't truly great until it can whip a crowd into a frenzy and cause thoughtful introspection. These songs were equally comfortable in the most raucous bar in town or the quiet pub around the corner... they were conversations with old friends and conversations with yourself.

Mostly, they were jubilant rock songs that caused hysterical fans to mob the stage and sing along.




The Hold Steady have managed to do something that no other band has done in my lifetime... create the two greatest albums OF my lifetime. Obviously, each record should be evaluated by itself. It should stand alone, and I assure you that it does. However, when paired together these records seem two sides to the same coin. Something incredibly special causing listeners to find parts of themselves in a world populated by meaningless records that will be long forgotten after skinny ties and suit jackets fall out of style (or has that already happened?).


The Hold Steady is that band that makes a kid pick up a guitar. Hell, they make ME want to pick up a guitar. The music they create will be remembered long after they're gone and will inspire a return to rock and roll with meaning. That desperate howl that's sonic force can bring down empires are unite generations had been on life support for quite a while until a Brooklyn bar band's shot of pure adrenaline sent it screaming out of a self-induced coma. Simply put, The Hold Steady may have saved rock & roll.


I want to bring this to a close by just explaining exactly how much these records mean to me. It's obvious by now that I'm a fan, but I'm one fan out of thousands... and that's the point. These songs feel like they were written especially for me, telling the stories of the people I know, the places I've been and most importantly, the things that I've done. I've made entirely too many mistakes in my life, often seeming to be one right after another. I always felt that there'd be redemption one day, a pot of gold at the end of the rainbow, but some days that feeling is a little harder to find than others. These albums seem personal. They seem to speak to me, to tell me that everything is going to be okay and that faith in whatever you chose to have faith in will eventually bring you into the light.


It's as if The Hold Steady are the rock & roll therapists for an entire generation that seems stuck between stations... on the radio



Thanks, guys.


Let me be just another voice signing on to the mantra... The Hold Steady almost killed me (right before they saved my life).

Nothing irritates me more than agreeing with Pat Buchanan. Unfortunately, from NAFTA to the Iraq War Mr. Buchanan has managed to hit a few nails on the head in the past couple of years. Maybe there's something to be learned here... maybe serious liberals and serious conservatives have more in common than we let on.

It just goes to show that not everyone on the other side is a carbon copy of everyone else. Even though Pat is as wrong as one man can be 95% of the time, he can be pretty insightful the other five. Take this piece on the Time Magazine Person of the Year fiasco.

About Buchanan, Hunter S. Thompson once wrote, "We disagree so violently on almost everything that it's a real pleasure to drink with him."

... maybe I should buy him a beer.

Over the weekend I found myself (as I often do) at Lowe's. It's not that I ever really need anything from Lowe's, but sometimes it's just fun to wander around in there and look at light fixtures. I look at it in the same way my friend Matt used to talk about Petsmart. "Sometimes, when you have a few extra minutes to kill, it's fun to go in there... it's like a free trip to the zoo!" Only, with Lowe's, it's like an open house... only in a really big house with entirely too many appliances and only one bathroom.

On this trip to Lowe's I noticed something rather surprising. Did you know that Lowe's has someone on staff to translate whatever language it is that you happen to speak into English? There's a cardboard stand-up at the customer service counter with about sixteen different languages listed, ranging from Arabic to characters that sincerely must be Martian. According to this informative and decorative information disbursement unit, customers are to point to the language of their choosing and someone will come to assist you by translating said language and thus allowing you to purchase a nifty set of solar powered yard lights that won't actually illuminate anything, but are good for the environment.

Who knew that Lowe's was blazing such new ground in cultural acceptance? Could Lowe's be the multicultural epicenter of Lexington? A foreign embassy to wayward travelers in need of stapleguns and propane?

Well, that may be a stretch, but it's still interesting. As I stood there, awestruck, I started to really think about the matter. Is there REALLY someone in the back that, with the press of a button, could come to the aid of someone desperately needing to purchase a deadbolt but who's purchasing power is hindered by their ability to only communicate in Farsi? If that's the case, then how exactly did this person end up working at the Lowe's just off of Nicholasville Rd.?

"I studied for years, often in the jungles of Africa, to perfect my Ndebele. Now, with those skills firmly planted in my mind, I'm finally prepared to pull on that blue smock and sell toilets with pride!" I was never aware that Lowe's had such high standards, but I demand that my next case of light bulbs be sold to me in Latin.

On an unrelated note, I can't stand Christmas music.

Now, I'm not talking about the occasional Bing Crosby tune or the pleasant sound of Christmas Caroling... I'm talking about that crap on the radio. I can assure you that if I hear John Mellancamp belting out "I saw mamma kissin' ol' Santa Claus" one more time I may just put on a dress and climb a clocktower with a high powered rifle... there'll be rain on the scarecrow, but blood on the Santa suit.

Honestly, I'm not a bah-humbug type, I really enjoy Christmas. However, by the time that you rush out to grab that last gift item, get flipped off by some guy in a Santa hat and enter the world of gladiatorial combat that is Hamburg Pavillion it gets easy to lose the spirit. Compound that with the damned Chipmunks singing "Santa Claus is Coming to Town" for the fiftieth time and it becomes increasingly easy to see why holiday suicide rates are so high.

However, the worst of all Christmas jams has to be the godawful Stevie Nicks version of "Silent Night." The "Voodoo Priestess" (or whatever the hell she thinks she is) warbles and sputters through a monotone rendition of a Christmas classic in a voice that sounds like the reanimated larynx of Katherine Hepburn brought back to life in a robot body.

As if it wasn't bad enough already, Stevie treats you to a soul-crushing "ooooh, it was aaaaa... siiiiiileeeeeeent niiiiiiiiight" over and over again, thus composing the last twenty-five minutes of the epic monstrosity. Literally, try to find a station that plays the entire song, I guarantee you that the DJ will start talking over the ending as it fades out. If a station actually let that song play as it was recorded we'd be well into Martin Luther King day before Stevie finally stopped bellowing out her faux-soul, creepy crap.

Furthermore, what in the hell is the queen of the dark realm doing singing about the birth of baby Jesus anyway!? It's really tough to fear your minions of the night when I'm picturing you hanging mistletoe from the stairwell. Shouldn't she be singing about the 364 days a year that DIDN'T bring peace on earth and goodwill toward men? Of course, it's possible that the voodoo/dark lord/scary Stevie stuff is all a put-on, but I don't buy it. She really is dark and mysterious and I won't hear otherwise.

What are you going to tell me next? Alice Cooper really isn't a zombie-vampire from hell? I'd like to hear you explain that one.

"Draft Obama" launched the first Obama '08 ad in New Hampshire this week. Hopefully we'll start to see even more of these things in the coming months, only with the word "Draft" removed from the equation. It's a good ad, not great, but very good. However, looking at what a collection of amateurs with a copy of Adobe Premiere can do, just imagine what actual Obama '08 ads could be. Let the goosebumps begin!

Dear Ryan Tipton,

Thank you for getting a myspace page, your posts have been fun to steal and subsequently use on my blog.

Sincerely,

Cory Graham

Ok, maybe that was a bit much, but this is going to mark the second post in a week that has somehow come from Ryan's myspace. Ryan's latest blog post has a fairly neat little game that relies on your computer's music playlist to dictate the soundtrack of your life. I attempted to find an image of "soundtrack of your life" on google just now, hoping for some sort of cheesy Dick Clark thing, but managed only to find this surly looking fellow.


I'm not sure what the soundtrack of his life actually is, but I'd imagine that it involves bands with scary names and tubes of eyeliner. Oh, and if you're reading this and happen to be this guy, my name is really Nathan Johnson... come try to kick my ass.

Anyway, here's how it works. You have a series of moments in your day that represent the movie that would (and should) be made about your life. You put your mp3 list on "shuffle" (in my case, itunes) and then record the song that corresponds to each part of your life, writing a clever little snippet about what happened at that point. It's important that you don't cheat! No skipping over that cheesy Barry Manilow song you downloaded in a drunken stupor that night after too many at the karaoke bar. It's your life, it ain't always pretty. So, without further discussion, let's see if this can in any way make for a good story.

I should point out that my itunes list at work isn't particularly vast, so we're bound to have some repeat artists.

Opening Credits - Big In Japan (Tom Waits) - Hopefully this isn't foreshadowing. As much as I'd like to be a huge star overseas, I'm confused by Japanese culture and I'm not sure that I could actually handle a regular diet of "Super Awesome Yankee Soda" to wash down my "Manly Happy Superbowl Rice Cakes."

Waking Up - Unknown Title (Oasis) - The song is from a bootleg Oasis record made before they were signed. I don't know the title, but I do know that it may be the worst song I've ever heard. It's about starting over and walking away from an old life. Apparently the womb was tough on me. I must have survived back-alley abortions, fetal alcohol syndrome and Indian food. Well, at least I made it!

First Day At School - Enemy (Dirty Pretty Things) - I strut into Kindergarten with sunglasses on and a mohawk. I'm shooting looks at the ladies, claiming my nap area and knocking down nerds for their graham crackers and milk. So, yeah, it's the exact opposite of my real first day of school... damn bullies... I really wanted that graham cracker too.

Fight Song - End Of A Century (Blur) - The perfect score to what would have to be the worst fight in history, an epic slap-fight. Of course, if it's an emotional thing and not actual physical violence then this might just work. Either way, I'm clearly a wuss... maybe that whole Japan thing isn't looking so bad.

Breaking Up - Phantom 309 (Red Sovine) - Broken hearted, I set out to discover America by hitchiking across the country. I was picked up by a ghost and given a free cup of coffee in a diner. I spent the next year in that same diner trying to get more free coffee, but they get tired of hearing about that ghost after a while.

Happiness - Last of the Famous International Playboys (Morrissey) - I left my life as a drifter behind, in search of a better life. I found this happiness in the dusty Arizona terrain. I promptly styled my hair into a pompadour, bought some gold-lamet shirts and tricked out a 74 Lincoln. Things were really starting to look up.

Life's Okay - Jersey Girl (Tom Waits) - One night, as I drove through the cool, painted desert, I stumbled across a fellow drifter. Her name was Francine Frischmann and she had the most beautiful accent... the sweet sound of a Jewish girl from Newark... could angels sing so sweetly? Surely not.

Driving - Killing In The Name (Rage Against The Machine) - High on cheap mescaline and tequila, Francine and I took out one night with a box of shotgun shells and a convertible. Six hours later we left a trail of carnage along Route 66. The next morning we awoke to find our pictures splashed across every newspaper in America. Of course, we didn't remember actually DOING anything, but since they seemed to have pictures of us in the act we couldn't really deny it... so we changed course for the border.

Flashback - Mamma & Me (Nellie McKay) - As we made our way to the border I looked back on my life and where it had all gone wrong. Having dealt with a miserable childhood (thanks Oasis!) I guess I never had a chance. I was turned out on my own at an early age and nothing ever seemed to go my way. I pulled over at the next gas station, tortured by guilt, and handed Francine the keys to the car. I set out on foot, looking for a police station, I needed to turn myself in. The charges were heavy, I was facing life in prison at best... however, a few costly mistakes by the Arizona State Police led to an astonishing lack of evidence and I was back on the streets.

Getting Back Together - Three Day Rule (Little Man Tate) - With a spring in my step and a new lease on life I set out to conquer the world. My old habits quickly caught up to me and I found myself in a Mexican tequila bar knocking back slammers with large, mustached men. In the corner of the bar, waiting tables, I saw her... Francine had made it to Tijuana.

Wedding - Cupcake (Nellie McKay) - We were wed the next month. It wasn't long until I found myself falling back into that same routine of petty crimes and the occasional felony to support our lifestyle. Times were hard, but we were getting by. I started to find myself involved with some rather nasty characters in the Mexican underworld, so in the still of the night Francine and I slipped across the border and into San Diego to start a new life, which seemed appropriate since she was now six-months pregnant.

Birth of A Child - October, First Account (Be Your Own Pet) - Our child was born shortly after we settled in to a new life in California. Three mouths to feed proved to be substantially more difficult than two, so I stepped up my activities. We made a comfortable life for ourselves in the city, but my past wasn't something that you could shake over night. Worst case scenerios exist for a reason, and mine was just around the corner.

Final battle - Heartattack & Vine (Tom Waits) - The boys in Mexico didn't appreciate us skipping town in the middle of the night. By "didn't appreciate," I mean they were extremely upset... and by "extremely upset" I mean that they had planned to kill us. One night, just after we put the baby to bed, I heard a knock at the door. I opened it, just a crack, only to have it kicked into my face. As I laid sprawled across the floor, my wife and child screaming, I saw a familiar face standing over me. It looked like my luck had finally run out.

Death Scene - Orange Claw Hammer (Captain Beefheart & His Magic Band) - As they nasty hombres from south of the border stood over us, deciding exactly what type of gruesome fate was to await us, I slipped my hand underneath the couch, grabbing a rather large claw hammer (really needed this song here!). With everything I had I brought it across the knee of the nearest bad guy. Screaming in pain he dropped his gun, which I promply picked up and used to dispatch the angry mob (hey, nobody said it had to be MY death!).

Funeral Song - Killamangiro (Babyshambles) - We packed up what we could and drove off into the night. I can't really comment on the funeral situation for those guys, as I doubt we would have been welcome guests. We made our way across the country and up the coast, finally arriving back in Jersey where we joined her family and managed to live a quiet, suburban life for the rest of our days.

End Credits - She's My Man (Scissor Sisters) - Apparently things turned out extremely well for our little family of outlaws, as this isn't exactly the type of music you associate with a "down ending." I guess the credits are probably rolling over family photos. Hey, there I am taking our son to soccer practice... oh, and there's Francine baking a birthday cake. Thanks itunes, things were looking grim for a bit!

Ok, so there you have it. It's not really the story of my life (thank God), but it's probably fairly close to the story of SOMEBODY'S life. Either way, it was fun to write. Now, I'm going to leave you guys to start downloading some happier tunes... damn that was depressing.

Most of my ideas come to me while in the car. I spend a fair amount of time driving, and with nothing other than guardrails and the radio to keep you company your mind is free to wander and wonder... which mine never stops doing. I guess that's why so many of my posts revolve around music, sports and/or politics, the five preset stations on my XM Radio dial (for those of you keeping score, that would be Fred, Lucy, The Rhyme, ESPN Radio and Air America).

Anyway, yesterday I found myself in a pickle. I was facing down an insatiable craving for some fries from Penn Station, yet I live about 40 miles from the nearest one. What's a man to do? Well, if you guessed "get in the car and drive to Penn Station," you'd be right! On my way up and back I listened to a few jams from The Subways, The Hold Steady, M. Ward and The Flaming Lips via the CD player, but found myself sliding that finger over to the radio button to hear exactly what satellite radio had to offer... thus, this post was born.

Initially I ran into the Mission: Impossible theme, as composed by Larry Mullen and Adam Clayton of U2. To be honest, I hated this song when it was new. I failed to see how impressive it was to throw a few simple drum loops behind the original score and call it new and kinda still do. However, something occurred to me yesterday that hadn't in the past... I must not have been driving when I heard this the first time. I found myself lost in the song and driving my banged up Neon like a bat out of hell.

Here I go, ripping down I-64 at breakneck speeds, whipping around semi-trucks and weaving in and out of traffic. Who is that guy in the Lincoln? I think he's tailing me... better lose him in this convoy! Now, if I can just get around this minivan I'll have a clear line of sight to that black SUV... better stay on him, but not too close, I don't want to look suspicious.

The thought crossed my mind that at any point I could come up over the hill and run into the Kentucky State Police, who wouldn't understand my need to tail the mysterious Suburban down the rainy interstate. I'd have to make them understand, after all, I had to get these documents to the lab before sundown!

Whipping your mind into that kind of frenzy is fun, just a little play time on the road to pass the time. Unfortunately, when you spend several minutes as a super-spy it takes some of the excitement out of your actual destination. It's never fun to realize that you're actually just going to get a sub and some fries... major disappointment. I tried to pretend that the philly steak sandwhich was actually Polonium 210 that had to get into the hands of Scotland Yard before the Russians could stop me, but by then the radio had swithched to Mariah Carey's "Emotions" and the thrill was gone.

Speaking of Mariah Carey, has anyone heard about her plans to sue adult film star and California Gubenetorial candidate Mary Carey for using a name similar to hers? Does this actually make sense to anyone on the planet? If she actually wins this case I will immediately begin taking offers from lawyers to represent me as I take action against British IT lawyer, Rory Graham. That's right, Rory... you've had your fun, now it's time to pay up. I'm tired of you cashing in on my blog's popularity to further your 26 billion dollar global deal value. Some of that money is rightfully mine!

We'll get back to Mariah and Rory in just a second, the song just changed and I'd like to make a point.

Shiny Happy People...

Can anyone explain exactly what was going through Michael Stipe's head when he chose Kate Pierson for the duet? If there is ANY B-52 that needs to be guesting on that song it absolutely MUST be Fred Schneider. Which seems more likely to be Shiny, Happy and holding hands with Michael Stipe... Schneider or a woman? Do I even need to ask that question?

Clearly, if you're a regular reader of this blog, you'll realize that I'm not a homophobe. That having been said, has anyone ever been more gay than Fred Schneider? I'm talking in a strictly stereotypical sense. We're talking about a man that Truman Capote would have told to "turn it down a little." Fred Schneider makes Jack McFarland look like Jack Lambert (thought I'd include a link for those of you not familiar with one or the other).

Then, suddenly, I was hit with a realization. I have no idea whether or not Fred Schneider is really gay. I've never heard anyone confirm that he bats for the other team, I've never seen him making out with a guy, and to the best of my knowledge there are no stories of him slipping out behind E-Z Stop after a few cold beers to "experiment." Maybe I had it all wrong! Maybe Fred is just a flamboyant character that actually has a wife and three kids somewhere in the Georgia suburbs. Maybe he owns a hound dog and eagerly anticipates deer season with his buddies...

... no, wait... he's really gay.

Anyway, back to Mariah Carey and that sonofabitchin' Rory Graham. I'm going to go against all conventional wisdom here, so hold on to your seats. I can't stand to listen to Mariah Carey sing. I'm not saying that "I don't like her songs" or that "she's mindless pop-filler trash," although I do tend to agree with those statements, I'm actually going to say that I can't stand her voice. I know that must come as a shock, as even the most cynical music critic may take stabs at her producers or her arrangements but NEVER at Ms. Carey's vocal talent. Well, she sucks. Sure, she can hit notes that I can't, but I'm not a singer.

I've never been partial to that "hit every single note that you can in thirty seconds" crap that seems to make careers these days. Personally, I think Mariah Carey sounds like a Great Dane with a gym whistle stuck in its throat. Lots of throaty bellowing followed by some sort of high-pitched squeal that has no purpose in the song but is supposed to make me stand in awe of her vocal talent. Last year I managed to strain my groin... I made the same sound. Where's Tommy Mattola with my record contract, I'm ready to sign. Put me on stage every night, have someone kick me in the testicles and promptly deposit several billion dollars into my bank account. Paired with the billions that I plan to receive in my suit against that moniker-stealing Graham across the pond, I should be doing okay.

Speaking of billions of dollars and Europe... I've mentioned this before, but it should be mentioned again. Did anyone ever come up with any sort of explanation as to why Don Johnson had 8 BILLION DOLLARS in the TRUNK OF HIS CAR? How is it possible that such a story could just fade away? When some washed up 80's star gets busted for DUI, kiddie porn or drug posession it's on the damn news for months at a time with reality shows on VH1 to follow. Don Johnson is driving around Europe with the GDP of Africa in his trunk and no one seems to give a damn.

I'd like to point out that whether or not the 8 billion dollars in Johnson's car actually belonged to him (how does someone misplace 8 billion dollars?) or not, he was still in possession of the money when he was checked by the police. Meaning that at the time, Don Johnson was the 33rd wealthiest person on the planet... not counting what he had in his actual bank account! This puts Mr. Johnson right between Carlos Slim Helu (the wealthiest man in Latin America) and Suliman Olayan (European value investor and 20% shareholder in the Saudi British Bank) on the Forbes list of the World's Richest People. How does Danny Bonaduce get a reality show and Don Johnson not!? Get Jim Kramer off of the airwaves right now, I want Don Johnson to explain to me how I can turn my Nash Bridges earnings into EIGHT BILLION DOLLARS!

If anyone has any information as to what ever became of this, please let me know. And, if anyone knows if Don Johnson needs a drinkin' buddy, tell him I'm available!

No, really... Don Johnson was driving around with 8 billion dollars in his trunk... no... really.

Getting bored with the day-to-day hum of your life?

Need a break from work, the news, the war on Christmas, Christmas, Ernie Fletcher and cold beer at a reasonable price?

Allow me to suggest a vacation.

This is a new idea, so let's fly it up the flagpole and see how it goes. Why not throw out the very first blogger road trip? Those of you that reading this, those of you with your own blogs and those of you that vaguely remember hearing something about a blog once are all cordially invited to load up in a car (or series of cars) and head out to a predetermined destination this January to celebrate... nothing in particular.

It's not as if we need an excuse to travel to another city to tell jokes, drink beer and avoid work. However, just in case you did, let this be it. Where should we go, you ask? Well, how about glorious downtown...



No one EVER has a bad time in Chicago... other than maybe Al Capone and Roxie Hart. It seems as if I end up in the Windy City more than anywhere else, and every time is just as much fun as the time before. Now, I'm not talking about a week-long barnburner vacation. Just take Friday off, load up the car and spend a weekend doing absolutely nothing other than eating, drinking and being merry.

Target date: January somethin'.

Once people start taking interest in the idea we can start to work around schedules and determine exactly which dates are most blogger-friendly. January seems to work pretty well for everyone that I've consulted. It's the time of year when you need a break from the Christmas madness, but are sitll riding high on that New Year's euphoria. It's before we start to settle in to that deep winter depression and before March brings about the NCAA Tournament (and the lineup of the 2007 Lollapalooza, which will be followed by more planning for trips to Chicago).

Add your comments at the bottom. What would work for you? Are you interested in the trip? What specific Chi-Town hot spots should we hit? Where should we stay? Can we meet the Winslow family (I hear that youngest daughter is a real hellcat!)?

I hope you're with me... at least some of you. I'm getting the hell out of here after December, it'd be a bajillion times funner not to go it alone!

There's no explanation needed here.

Just enjoy Redd Foxx driving around in the snow and wait for the payoff at the end.

Yesterday a series of events (that of course started on Fark.com) led me to revisit my childhood... and by my childhood I mean the most important part of it, network television. As a kid I watched a LOT of tv, probably even more than the average 80's kid, which may mean that I actually had a television attached to my face at all times in some sort of Orwellian experiment in behavior modification. As a result of this addiction to quality programming I still have countless hours of laugh-tracks, hijinks and wacky neighbors roaming the dark corners of my mind, occasionally popping up for a visit and causing me to think, "where in the hell did that come from?" or to ask myself exactly how it was that Gunnery Sgt. Alva "Gunny" Bricker managed to sneak into my dreams and seduce me with a flip of her hair.

As I pondered such questions I managed to open a flood gate that makes Hurricane Katrina look like one of those clips from America's Funniest Home Videos where the weiner dog runs back and forth between the sprinklers, repeatedly trying to get a drink of water as the family looks on in amusement. As the tidal wave roared, one thing became painfully obvious... I was going to have TV theme songs from my youth stuck in my head for the rest of the day. To most people, this may be akin to some type of torture, but for me it's just a pleasant way to spend the afternoon (who doesn't enjoy humming the theme to "Grand" for half an hour?). And, always being the "lemons into lemonade" type, I decided to turn this affliction into a blog entry detailing my top ten theme songs of my childhood.

Before we get to the list, I'd like to issue a disclaimer. You'll notice that several classics are missing (The Jeffersons, Sanford and Son, Mr. Belvedere, etc.)... this is no accident. I felt that some of the 80's era themes weren't properly represented in modern culture, so this list cashes in on some of my favorites that may have slipped your mind... and a couple that are still classics, but just too funny to pass up. So, enough with that, let's get started.

Click the links to hear the songs for yourself!

10. Just the Ten of Us

This spinoff from Growing Pains may have one of the most typical 80's theme songs of all time. It has all necessary componets: The passionate white guy attempting to put some soul into thirty seconds, the synth and above all, that one line that just doesn't seem to make any sense. I can recall being confused by one line of this song as a child, and after listening to it as an adult, well, I'm still perplexed. Does he say "I'm always bringing home second places, at the end of every one of my DAISIES" at about the fifteen second mark? Being that the line immediately following says something about "faces" I probably would have encouraged the songwriter to use something like, I don't know, races?

However, I wasn't as familiar with Coach Lubbock and his giant family as the author may have been... maybe that line was to illustrate his sensitive side. I can't really imagine the bristly, portly coach arranging flowers in his spare time, and with all of those kids I doubt that he did much other than Ms. Lubbock with said spare time. The show really wasn't very good, and let's be frank... the only reason that anyone tuned in was to spend 22 minutes staring at the Lubbock girls, mmmmmm.

Does it count as jailbait if the actors are actually of age?

9. Charles In Charge

I can't really remember the premise of this show or exactly how Charles came to be in charge. If memory serves, didn't they have a really hot 16-17 year old daughter? What was Charles, twenty years old!? Who puts a 20 year old beefcake in charge of their daughter? It sounds to me like perhaps social services should have been in charge. Either way, the show had a great theme song and I can't help but think of Chiachi walking out on Joanie to join this family. I can see how it went down...

"Joanie, I've had enough. You're too demanding, you've been trying to run my life ever since your brother went to Vietnam and never came back! I'm leaving you, I'm going somewhere where I can control my own destiny... a place where I can be in charge! Oh, and stop calling me Chiachi, I'm a grown man, my name is CHARLES!"

The rest is history.

8. Gimme A Break

Now, THIS is a theme song! Tony Award Winner Nell Carter's voice has never been put to better use than belting out the soulful woes of a middle-aged black woman just trying to make it in a white man's world. "Gimme a break/The game is survival!" sounds like a cry to women all over the world to stand up and be counted. However, I'm not really sure what it is that she was surviving. All-in-all she seemed to be doing pretty well. She lived in a nice house with a generally pleasant, yet still cantankerous, policeman and his family... not to mention an endless supply of blue dresses.

Honestly, I can't remember a whole lot of "surviving" going on in the show. Granted, that goldfish that she sucked up in the vaccum cleaner certainly had a tough go of it, and the very special episode where Joey Lawrence dressed in blackface for his school's production of... well, whatever his school was producing... would have certainly caused him some problems had they not lived in such an affluent neighborhood. Still, even with those issues at hand, I think that Nell may have overstated her struggle... but what do I know, maybe I SHOULD just give her a break, she sure deserves it.

I can only assume that this prepared him for his future role in "Dancing With The Stars"

7. Family Ties

Long before Michael Gross went off into the desert to fight off giant worms with Reba McIntyre and Michael J. Fox begain faking Parkinson's Disease to get attention, they starred in what may well be the defining 80's television show.

I have to confess something, I actually HATE this song. As a child I spent six months in the hospital trapped in a diabetic coma after accidentally hearing the full thirty seconds. My prognosis wasn't good, but I pulled through in the second season when Johnny Mathis was brought in to sing the theme. As bad as the song actually is, it's really the final three or four seconds that make me hide under the table in fear... the "shalalala." It's as if someone said, "Y'know, we've tried every thing that we can to make this the ultimate wuss song, but something's missing. I mean, we got that 8th grade girl's poetry notebook for the lyrics, we threw in the soft synth, hell... we even got Johnny Mathis to sing it, but something's missing. I've got it, could Johnny throw in a "shalalala" at the end? That would knock it out!"

6. My Two Dads

At eight years old I thought this theme song was just absolutely fantastic. It actually did sound like something that you'd hear on the radio (which, in hindsight is scathing commentary on the music industry) and I wasn't altogether sure that the cool dad wasn't the one singing. Their voices were similar, and he was such a COOL dad. I was sure that he was dividing his time between caring for his daughter, keeping up his cool loft apartment and cranking out cool jams like this one.

I can't remember exactly how she came to have two dads, but I'm going to bet that it wasn't some sort of cutting edge, socially relevant show dealing with two gay men struggling to raise their adopted teenage daughter in the city... in fact, her mother was probably just a whore. If only we had Maury Povich back then to settle this. What I DO remember is the hard-nosed judge with a heart of gold that stopped by once an episode to check on the situation, almost always finding that some sort of wackiness was afoot. These guys seem like fairly good parents, judge, why don't you just take Nell's advice and give 'em a break. Or better yet, why don't you stroll over to the 8 o'clock time slot and see what the hell's going on in that house that left Charles in charge? That girl's probably pregnant by now!

Oh, I also managed to forget that this show, inexplicably, featured Dick Butkus... and Giovanni Ribisi.

There are many things that I miss about the 80's, but perhaps none more than the starring roles of chest hair

5. Night Court

Who didn't love this song? That jazzy bass line, that kick-ass cowbell (was that a cowbell?) and that, uhm, clarinet (maybe)! There were only a few things certain in the 80's and one of them was that once that bass kicked in you were only thirty seconds away from antics the likes of which you've never seen. Dan would say something dirty (that I wouldn't get... I was eight), Christine would take offense, Roz would get sassy and Harry would bring it all back home with a set of chattering teeth. And who could forget the ending music, after you'd laughed yourself silly, when that creepy laugh would kick in? "Huh-huh, ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!" would bellow through living rooms all across America, just in time for Murphy Brown... or whatever it was that came on after Night Court.

As a child I always thought that if I ever ended up in legal trouble I'd try to get my hearing moved to night court, it just seemed so much more fun than regular court. I'm 27 now, and I've never been to a night court, but I figure they probably just operate in much the same way as a regular court. However, I assure you, if I ever end up standing before a judge at midnight I'll make sure to ask him to do a magic trick.

4. Three's Company

I know, I know, this shouldn't make the list. It's arguably one of the most famous television themes of all time. However, I just couldn't possibly make a list having anything to do with television without mentioning John Ritter. However, all sexual innuendo and Ropers aside, this theme song has to be one of the biggest disappointments in history. Before you crucify me for that statement, think about it.

The Three's Company theme kicks up with one of the funkiest, sexiest and most groove-a-licious guitar tracks in the history of TV. However, just as soon as you get settled in for some sexy funk, it takes a drastic turn and out steps the whitest lounge singer to ever put on a ruffled tuxedo shirt. What!? Where'd my funk go? How did that happen? The Three's Company theme is also famous for that uninteligible "dammagabadebouuuu" that comes right after the line "laughter is waiting for you." After more than 20 years of listening, then finally asking someone, I'm informed that it actually says, "down in our rendezvous." I'm not sure if it's actually satisfying to know that or disappointing to realize that the secret of life wasn't hidden in there.

3. 227

227 is, without a doubt, the single greatest show ever made on the topic of four sassy black women sitting on the porch. All sass aside, it also gave the world a weekly glimpse at Jackee', and who wasn't thankful for that? At six years old I was pretty sure that Jackee' was the sexiest woman alive, even though I wasn't sure what that meant or what I would do with her if she was my girlfriend... but that's okay, she's Jackee', she'd show me. Even more than Jackee', this show was a vehicle for Marla Gibbs, something that allowing TV audiences to revisit that sass that we'd been missing since The Jeffersons went off the air.

Can you imagine a sass competition between Marla Gibbs and Nell Carter? I'm picturing it looking like the battle scenes from 8 Mile. Dark club, the beat drops, Nell steps out in a giant blue dress and walks up to a waiting Marla. They bob their heads and start to sass it out when all of a sudden the record scratches! A hush falls over the room as heads start to turn to the back of the club. The crowd parts like the Red Sea as a dark horse contender walks through the door. The music to "Lose Yourself" kicks in as we see a defiant, yet determined Bea Arthur stomp through the crowd, there's vomit on her t-shirt, Sofia's spaghetti. Bea takes the mic from Nell, puts them both in their place, drops it and walks back out as the crowd erupts.

She loves reefer, but she loves coffee even more

2. The Golden Girls

Sass matters. If there was one dominant female theme in the 80's it was certainly that. No television show before or since has captured that kind of female sass quite like The Golden Girls, and very few shows had a theme song as memorable. Right now some of you are shaking your heads, trying to prented to yourself and those around you that you didn't watch The Golden Girls... oh yeah, well, if I started singing "Thank you for being a friend..." are you going to keep shaking your head or chime in with a "traveled down the road and back again?"

You know the answer to that question.

It was one of those rare moments when the song matched the show perfectly. Everyone watched this show, everyone knows that opening shot of Miami and everyone remembers Rue McLanahan storming down the hallway in her pink nightgown with that matching pink sleep mask on her head. Alright, I'm not defending it any longer, I love the show, I love the song and I'm humming it right now.

Finally, we've reached the number one spot in our top ten countdown. What could be left? What could possibly beat out these nine stellar candidates?

There's only one answer...

Oh Balki, how in the world will you and Cousin Larry EVER get out of THIS wacky mess?

1. Perfect Strangers

From the opening harmonica to the last "nothing's gonna stop me now," the Perfect Strangers theme is pure perfection. I can't think of a more memorable, more enjoyable or flat-out better prime time jam. I can remember being a kid, probably about six years old, listening to my dad explain to me exactly how a record store worked. I'd just gotten really into music and he wanted me to know exactly what section was what and how to find what I was looking for. He got to "soundtracks" and explained, "this is where they keep records with songs from movies, plays, tv shows and things like that." I remember like yesterday looking up at him and saying, "you mean that I could get the theme song to Perfect Strangers!? ON A TAPE!?" Much to my disappointment, a quick check of their inventory showed that no one had the foresight to release a soundtrack (or even a cassette single) featuring the theme song to Perfect Strangers... I'm still pissed off about that one.

The song isn't just good, it's REALLY good. It sounds like something that really should have been sung by Neil Diamond (hey Neil, there's still time) and just has "80's TV" written all over it. Perfect Strangers was undoubtedly my favorite show as a kid, Balki was my hero. The music on that show had staying power, to boot. Don't believe me? Well, a few months ago I was in our local wing-joint when the topic of Perfect Strangers came up in conversation. Somehow we had all managed to forget the lyrics to the theme song, a fact that clearly shamed each one of us. Thinking quickly, Kevin grabbed the nearest waitress and asked her if she could remember the words to the song. A few seconds later we had her singing the theme like a pro to the entire table as we joined in, one-by-one. I should also point out that Kevin remembered the words to the "Bipi-Babka Song" that Balki would belt out while cooking his favorite Meposian treat.

I hope you enjoyed the stroll down memory lane. Feel free to add comments on your favorite themes, ones that I may have missed or issues with the rankings. Prepare yourselves, Nathan is going to say something about "Small Wonder" any second.

And now, a break from the serious world of global affairs and national politics.


I opened a myspace bulletin from San Diego's own, Ryan Tipton, today. In this bulletin I found a rather amusing image from Virgin Records, a mural depicting an unknown amount of popular bands and artist from the past few years. The different characters in the piece represent different bands (for example, you'll notice the guy smashing a pumpkin or the guns in the arrangements of roses). The goal was to find a band, post the name and then pass it on.

I decided to steal it.

So, if you click on the above link it should pop up a larger image, one that will give you more detail and allow you to scan through the fancy-shmancy art and see what you can find. I'll give you a jump start on the ones I can see:

Smashing Pumpkins
Guns N' Roses
The Eagles
The Gorillaz
The Rolling Stones
Nine Inch Nails
Eels
Black Flag
The Beach Boys
Radiohead
Fifty Cent
The Sex Pistols
The Pixies
Led Zepplin
The Lemonheads
Alice In Chains
Matchbox 20
The Dead Kennedys
Ratt
Korn
The Postal Service

I'm sure I could come up with more if I started digging, but that would take away all the fun!

Leave comments below with what you've found and where to find it! I'll give some sort of prize to the person that finds the most... but it probably won't be a very good prize.

It certainly seems amazing, but the race for the White House will be kicking into full gear in a matter of months. It won't be long (ok, it will be a while) before good or bad, one way or the other, we're finally rid of the Bush Administration forever. I've been vocal about my feelings on this election since the Democrats (against my will) forced John Kerry down our throats in 2004, vocal in as much as I will no longer vote against my conscience and for the lesser of two evils. If the Democrats throw another loser to the wolves, then the Democrats lose my vote... after all, surely Ralph Nader will run again.

However, as the 2006 midterm elections proved, Democrats don't have to lose! I know it's a strange thought, but it is possible for Democrats to run candidates that actually reach people and those people actually turn into votes - votes that actually turn into victories! Since we've only heard rumors (and the occasional "way to early" announcement of a candidacy... I'm looking at you Tom Vilsack) and speculation as to who wants to take the torch in '08 it would be unwise to start backing your horse just yet. So, instead of preaching about candidates, let me share with you a five point plan that could very well win the White House in 2008 for the beef nuggets drifting slightly to the left side of the bowl in our otherwise moderate political stew.

I've included a few faces of possible Democratic challengers just to break up the text. Four of the five of these would make for a fine leader... one I'm not so sure about. However, you can't start listing Democrats without including Hilary Clinton, I think there' s a law against it.

Point 1: Universal Healthcare

This has been a Democratic stump-speech issue dating back to when Bill Clinton decided to make it his baby back in 1992. A Republican controlled congress managed to thwart President Clinton at every turn and measures to improve healthcare in our country died on the floor. The key to this issue is to reassure the American people that socialized medicine doesn't mean taking away their doctors. The average American with health insurance, confident in their family doctor and generally satisfied with their medical plan doesn't like the idea of the government telling them where they need to take their kids for broken bones and flu outbreaks. It's important that we stress to these people that a new medical system could be put in place to assist the millions of Americans currently living and working uninsured. Clarify that we're not talking about mandatory compliance, but rather a safety net for those that can't afford to protect their families against illness.

It's also key to illustrate that this is good for EVERYONE'S pocketbook. Universal healthcare could drive down the cost of prescription medicine and healthcare in general (if the government's picking up the tab then your prescription costs will drop, that's a guarantee). Thus, even if you're not participating in the program, you'll reap the benefits with lower out-of-pocket costs should an illness befall you or your family.

Point 2: Reducing Foreign Oil Dependency

Practically everyone in this country agrees that we have to do something to curb our need for oil from countries that, well, hate us. It doesn't take a PhD to get your head around the concept that tying up our economic and military interests in hostile nations just to keep our cars on the road is a bad idea. This issue could have a five-point plan as well, but let's just brush over it.

We need to come at this idea from all directions. Using the vast desert and ample sunlight in the southwestern region of the country as giant solar collectors is step one. These areas are largely uninhabited and can generate enough power to run a major U.S. city with minimal intrusion on the scenic beauty of the area. The plains of the midwest could be dotted with windmills, providing yet another energy source that is not only eco-friendly but rather easy on the eye. Farmers in these areas could be compensated through government grants for turning over a few acres to wind power. These same farmers, along with others in Rural America, could turn vast corn crops into Ethanol to be used as a partial fuel substitute in modern vehicles. Finally, my favorite alternate energy source, COAL. Montana already has measures in place to turn the state's vast, often untapped coal resources into a clean-burning fuel that can be poured into your car's gas tank right now!

This four-pronged attack on fuel in this country is not only good for the environment, but also good for consumers. It will create thousands of jobs in Rural America, good paying jobs for people that are quite frankly in desperate need of the work. It gives hope to the tobacco farmer that's quickly becoming obsolete and could create new boomtowns across the nation. Compound those methods with strict guidelines in the automobile industry requiring higher mileage vehicles and you've cut our dependency on foreign oil in half, if not more. Once again, this helps your wallet. If fuel is cheap and readily available and cars are getting a minimum of 25 mpg, hundreds of extra dollars will be flowing into your pocket every year!

Point 3: Better Public Schools

Currently much of our funding for public schools comes from local property taxes. At first this may not sound like such a terrible idea, but think about the ramifications. To put it simply, low-income neighborhoods have low-income schools. If the average acre of land in your neighborhood sells for $100,000 then you are clearly going to be sending your children to a better school than your counterpart living in an area where the average piece of property could go for a tenth of that, or less. This has a crippling effect on rural and inner-city schools where property values are considerably lower than those in more affluent neighborhoods. Not only does this deprive millions of Americans of a quality education, but it also perpetuates the cycle of poverty that has a stranglehold on much of our nation. This system is as antequated as the poll tax and needs to go... now. The answer, more federal funding for low-income schools and an even disbursement policy for all school districts based on the number of students... not the price of their house.

Furthermore, we need an increase in grant programs encouraging our best and brightest young teachers to work in these areas. Young teachers, fresh from college, should be excused of ALL student loans in exchange for working a minimum of five years in either rural or inner-city schools. Many such programs already exist, but often only cover partial reimbursement of tuition costs and/or don't live up to the hype. In addition to recruiting young talent, we should reward the established talent that already exists in our schools. In any other job excellent performance is rewarded. Whether it be a raise, a bonus or even a promotion, top-shelf employees are given some sort of compensation for their efforts. Teachers, however, remain teachers until they retire and work for a set salary based on education level and time of employment. If a teacher shows exemplary work, reward that educator! Raises and bonuses for increased test scores not only encourage our public schools to improve, but the benefit the entire community.

Oh, and how about more scholarship and grant money, allowing more and more children from impoverished regions of the country to attend college for free or dramatically discounted rates? Back to school programs for non-traditional students? The sky's the limit!

Point 4: Ethics and Global Responsibility

Whether you support or denounce President Bush, there are two undeniable truths... he hasn't exactly instilled faith in the government for the majority of Americans and he has alienated many nations that we once considered allies.

As each day passes, China and India take a few more steps toward becoming global economic superpowers. In fact, statistics prove that in my lifetime (God willing I live that long) I'll see China surpass the United States and become the biggest economic and military superpower in the world. How did that happen? It happened through outsourcing, apathy and gross overspending. It happend through disregard of foreign nations and underestimating the ingenuity of your fellow man. It happend because we fell asleep at the wheel.

In 2008 we need to take initiative in this country to strengthen our resolve and re-establish ourselves as the world's lone superpower. Contrary to what some may say, this isn't done by smashing other nations into the ground with our latest war machines. This is done with negotiation and compromise. It's done by earning the respect and trust of other nations. Doing so not only makes America stronger, but it goes a long way in combating Anti-American sentiment worldwide, which happens to be the leading cause of terrorism. If we force ourselves to think globally and sit down not only with our friends, but with our perceived enemies, we can avoid unneccessary conflict and bring America back to what it once was... the America that my Grandfather talked about, that sadly I can't remember.

Point 5: Taxes and a Living Wage

To put this blunty, the wealthy should pay more taxes than the underprivilidged. In my estimation, that's a no-brainer. A household income of $50,000 can't afford to contribute at the same level as one that may reach into six or seven figures. If you've been blessed with wealth, then it's your civic duty to share that wealth with those less fortunate. Tax cuts, even if they're not for you, always sound like a good idea... however, the money has to come from somewhere. Surely the four ideas listed above seemed like fine ideas too, but how do we pay for them? We pay for them by demanding that the top 2% of Americans pay their fair share.

There should be an immediate investigation into exactly what a "living wage" is in this country and how we can bring our minimum wage workers into that pay scale while simultaneously combating inflation. Don't tell me that it can't be done, we're America, we can do anything. Futhermore, a complete overhaul of the tax system needs to be put in place by 2010. Those making less than $16,000 annually should be exempt from federal income tax, along with other tax-exempt measures for single parents and families with children making less than $30,000 combined. A raise in the minimum wage, with a reduced tax burden and inflation control will not only bring the poorest among us up to a basic-but-comfortable lifestyle, it will also reduce crime and create openings for larger tax-bases in the future... both good for you personally.

Now, there's no guarantee that these ideas will really click with the American people, but at least they feel fresh. American apathy can be directly attributed to the lack of vision in our leadership. In 2004 we saw a host of candidates standing on a stage and asking for the Democratic Nomination for the Presidency of the United States, and with the exception of Dennis Kucinich they all seemed to be rattling on about the same thing. The same ideas, very slightly (if at all) twisted to sound like their own, rambling on about absolutely nothing. It's hard to get excited about that, it was hard even for me and I obsess over this stuff.

I'm not here to tell these guys and girls how to run their railroad. I'm just throwing out some ideas... take 'em or leave 'em. But Democrats, don't miss the point of what I've been saying. It's not THOSE specific ideas that win voters over... it's ideas in general. Come with something new! If you can tell the American People something new, something that they haven't already heard a thousand times from countless lying politicians, they'll listen. And you know what, once you have them listening, having their vote is just a few minutes away.

Let me take a moment to display my own ignorance.

Until a few days ago I wasn't aware of what was really going on in Darfur.

I knew that something akin to a civil war had been raging in the area for years, I knew that the word genocide seemed to keep coming up and I knew that we were supposed to do something about it. However, being a leftist is hard work. There are so many causes, so many wrongs to right and so many things to find yourself up in arms over that it's difficult to keep up with what particular thing I need to be saving from day-to-day. Besides, I have to keep up with the important things... like Anna Nicole Smith's baby daddy woes, the Britney/K-Fed split and who Lindsey Lohan was getting drunk with last night.

One night while watching the Nancy Grace show (and hoping that she didn't kill anyone this week) I saw an ad for the coalition, Save Darfur. The numbers were astounding, the testimonials were heartbreaking and what I was hearing gave me pause... it even caused me to sit straight up and take notice. It's incredible... it's immeasurable... this suffering can't be real. If it is, why haven't I heard more about it? Why isn't it the lead story on the news every night? Oh, wait, I forgot... Paris Hilton did something skanky today.

Anyway, I won't get all holier-than-thou on you, I'm just as guilty. However, I want to make something clear: what's going on in Darfur is worse than you can imagine, and unless we take personal responsibility for helping these people the blood is on our hands. OUR hands. MY hands. YOUR hands.

I won't bore you with long-winded explanations as to exactly what's going on, I'll let you read up on that yourself. This wikipedia article is packed with valuable information and remarkably concise, given the length and nature of the conflict. Save Darfur has a fairly user-friendly background on their site, so if you have even less time than the wiki article will allow, venture over there.

Just to give you an idea of what's going on, let me share some pictures of what disease, fammine and unspeakable acts of human cruelty have brought these innocent people. I'll warn you, these images are graphic, but I feel like we could use a human face here.

A child burned during a Sudanese bombing campaign.

Starvation claims another life as the Janjaweed violently keeps aid from reaching refugee camps.

Bodies line the streets.

Finally, and simply, sadness.

This isn't a Democrat or Republican issue. This isn't a conservative or liberal issue. Some of the most conservative (Tancredo of CO) , liberal (Feingold of WI) and moderate (McCain (AZ), Lieberman (CT)) have called for action in support of these people. We must do our part as Americans and as human beings to bring an end to this needless suffering.

Follow this link to the Save Darfur site to make a donation or buy a t-shirt, every dime helps to raise awareness. After doing that, why not click here and send a message to your Congressman or (if you're local) Senator Mitch McConnell? It only takes a second and could make all the difference in the world.

Thanks for making it this far. Real human life is on the line here, we must do our part, however small it may be.