As most of you know, tomorrow is a major day in the history of the National Football League. The NFL will kickoff the 2006 Draft at noon tomorrow, a draft that promises to be loaded with enough offensive and defensive talent to shape the future of football for the next ten years. Owners, coaches, former players and professional commentators have all weighed in with their picks for the top ten spots... now it's my turn. So, if you're not a sports fan then you might want to tune out (unless you're a fan of me looking like a complete dumbass, in that case you might want to make note of these picks and laugh at how terribly inaccurate they'll be come tomorrow evening).

Note: These predictions are being made in accordance with the current draft standings, as trades and such may occur at any moment, selections will be null and void if teams move up or down. Also, it's all talk, no pictures and straight forward, but it's pretty funny... I think.

1. The Houston Texans - Reggie Bush (RB - USC). Essentially a no-brainer. Although Mario Williams would certainly add some much needed oomph to a failing Texan defense, Bush is just too tempting to pass up. After watching his performance in the USC/UCLA game last year I announced that he was the rock-solid number one pick and I don't plan on backing down. Anything less than Ronnie Cooper's favorite son being taken on draft day would send angry Texans rioting in the streets of Houston... so it'd be a real win-win for me.

2. The New Orleans Saints - D'brickashaw Ferguson (OT - Virginia). Now, I realize that sensible people would put Mario Williams here, but I just don't see it. New Orleans has already used two past first round picks to draft Charles Grant and Will Smith, both talented and both playing Williams' position. Matt Leinart was also a possible dream-come-true for the 'Aints in '06... until the world collectively scratched their heads as the signed Drew Brees to a 7.5 bajillion dollar deal. At the end of the day, Williams is a better choice, and being that this is the New Orleans Saints organization, he won't be chosen for that reason.

3. The Tennessee Titans - Vince Young (QB - Texas). Steve McNair is on his last legs, which means Tennessee needs a QB in the worst way. Personally I believe that Matt Leinart has more potential to be a franchise NFL Quarterback than Vince Young, but Young's close ties to McNair will win out in the end. A McNair/Young transition should be comfortable for the folks in Nashville, and that's what they want.

4. The New York Jets - AJ Hawk (OLB - Ohio State). That's certainly not a confident choice. The smart move here would be to pick up Matt Leinart, but Chad Pennington swears that he can play. They've speculated interest in Hawk, Cutler and Ferguson so far... well, I have Ferguson out of the picture at this point, no reasonable person would pass up Leinart for Cutler and that just leaves Hawk. I think the Jets put their faith in Pennington, take a Hawk and pray... then spend 20 years being chastised for passing up on Matt Leinart.

5. The Green Bay Packers - Matt Leinart (QB - USC). Ok, wishful thinking at best. However, Favre is on the way out... one more season and he's gone and no one can convince me that Aaron Rodgers is the heir apparent to the Favre legacy. The Packers have made some off-season moves (signing Kenderick Allen, re-signing Ahman Green and begging for Charles Woodson) that signal a desire to move the team forward, they're looking to the future, and Leinart will be SOMEONE'S future.

6. The San Francisco 49'ers - Mario Williams (DE - NC State). If Williams is still around by the sixth pick (and it IS possible), then San Francisco will have no choice but to take him. The 'Niners need offense, but they need defense too... they could also use some special teams, coaching and a new groundskeeper. To put it bluntly, San Francisco is so bad that they're just going to take the best guy available and build a team around him... it's worked before.

7. The Oakland Raiders - Vernon Davis (TE - Maryland). The Raiders' offense has been on a sharp decline since the people of Oakland realized that Rich Gannon was actually a 60 year old man with girl arms and his sister Aaron Brooks isn't much better. However, they do have some money invested in Brooks and may use this opportunity to look for some short range help to take some of the pressure off of Randy Moss downfield. Jay Cutler may not be a bad choice here, but I'd say stick with what you've got and try to start over with fresh coaching next season.

8. The Buffalo Bills - Winston Justice (OT - USC). The Bills were literally starting tight ends at right tackle after the free agent departure of Jonas Jennings last season. I'm familiar with Justice from the handful of USC games I was determined enough to stay up late for through the season, and after reading up on him through various draft analysis reports he seems like a solid choice. Of course, Buffalo would salivate at the chance to snake Ferguson with this pick, but that's simply not going to happen. Justice is the 2nd best OT in this draft, and due to circumstance will be a top 10 pick.

9. The Detroit Lions - Michael Huff (S - Texas). Detroit drafts offensive players. Every year, despite the circumstances, Detroit drafts offense. So, with Sinorice Moss, Chad Jackson, Lendale White, Santonio Holmes and DeAngelo Williams still out there why would the draft defense? Well, because they're sick of losing... badly... every year. Expect to see a strong defensive choice in Huff (ESPN Classic ran the 2005 Texas/Ohio State game last night, the guy's good), but don't be surprised if they don't, after all... it's still Detroit and Thanksgiving wouldn't be Thanksgiving without watching someone kick their ass.

10. The Arizona Cardinals - Jay Cutler (QB - Vanderbilt). Arizona, the football organization where great players go to die, is shepherding off yet another legend to that great endzone in the sky... Kurt Warner. If this team has any hope of EVER building a future they have to start making wise choices with young players, not counting on your grandpa to come in and put up numbers that he did back when FDR was president. Cutler was outstanding at Vanderbilt and has the potential to be a fair-to-medium quality NFL quarterback, in a fair-to-medium organization that makes him a hero.

Now, that's just the top ten. Remember, this thing goes on forever and it's deep enough to stay interesting well into the evening. Lendale White is being overlooked, Chad Jackson is the best receiver in the draft (if you watched him at the scouting combine you already know that) and Chad Greenway could be a major player in any organization. Guys are going to be picked up in the 2nd and 3rd rounds that you may not be familiar with now, but will become household names. It's draft time... the most wonderful time of the year.

George, would you put down that kitty and sing us a John Lennon song? You would! Well thank you!

Insomnia has now become a rather important part of my life. Long gone are the days of falling asleep at 11:30 and waking up refreshed for work at 7:30, we now welcome the days of a nap around six, actual sleep around one, waking up at four, then back to sleep at five to wake up at 7:30. However, this sleep schedule really doesn't bother me much, as I get to see what the rest of the world usually doesn't... Dish Network at 4:00 AM.

Somewhere around that time I caught the tail of a news story in which a professional alligator handler received a particularly nasty bite on the noggin while trying to insert his head into the gator's mouth. The reaction was, of course, to destroy the alligator... the MAN-EATING alligator. Now, correct me if I'm wrong, but aren't all alligators essentially man-eating alligators? Furthermore, at what point does personal responsibility factor into this? I certainly won't sit here and pretend that I've never passed the buck on some idiotic move that I've made, insisting that it had to be someone or something else's fault, but being that my hypocrisy knows no bounds I will now cast stones at these people.


I'm certainly no PETA person, I love leather and if it ever had a pulse I'll probably eat it, however I do think it's a bit unfair to punish the gator for doing exactly what gators do. Of the two creatures involved in this situation, one of them was doing what it was supposed to (trying to eat a creature that was already in it's mouth), the other was doing something that it clearly wasn't supposed to do (putting it's head in the aforementioned creature's mouth). Open and shut case if you ask me.

Shortly after that story I was treated to an analysis of the current state of gas prices on Fox News. Of course, the good people of Fox News were quick to remind us that as gas hits FOUR DOLLARS PER GALLON in parts of California, we should be grateful that we don't live in one of those Godless European countries where gasoline is always four bucks a gallon... even six bucks in the Netherlands. Now, I'm sure that I don't have to point out to you exactly why there's a difference here, but just in case I'll sum it up quickly. When you live in a country the size of Ohio (or smaller) and a sophisticated mass transit system links everything in and around your nation together there's no need for a car. If you can walk to anything nearby or take a train to something on the other side of town, a car becomes a luxury (if you'd call it that) and thus gas goes from being a necessary evil for most citizens to something they rarely worry about.

Many Europeans drive these... so before you draw comparisons you might need to park your Hummer H2.

Thus, four-dollar gas in America is DRAMATICALLY worse than six dollar gas in the Netherlands... and for the record, gas is twelve cents per gallon in Venezuela.

The U.S. Stock Market is down. Not by much, just a few points, but on the same day the Chinese and Japanese markets were soaring. Get used to it.

Finally, we'll turn back the clock to what I saw right before I drifted off to dream, Fox's new hit show, House. I've heard some buzz, and the subject matter seemed to be pretty interesting, so I tuned in. In case you missed last night's episode, Dr. House (worst television name EVER) is working to beat the clock as a cancer stricken woman refuses to take treatment, feeling that God is healing her. House has to prove that it isn't God, and get her medical attention, the catch... the tumors are getting smaller.

Apparently this show plays like 1/2 medical drama and 1/2 detective show (because we all know that any show without SOME sort of detective work just isn't worth having on the air) as we're treated to scene after scene of Dr. House figuring out clues and his staff breaking into this woman's home with radiation detectors. Why you ask? Well, SOMETHING in the house must be giving off radiation and curing this woman's cancer... I'm not kidding.

-----------------SPOILER ALERT-----------------------

Finally, after exhausting all possible options, Dr. House determines that the young boy that has been "healing this woman" with the "power of Christ" actually has herpes and has been sleeping with her. Apparently on House, herpes cure cancer. You really did read that correctly, her tumors were shrinking because the herpes virus was attacking the cancer.

Now, this brings me to a question for anyone with any medical knowledge... is that, as I suspect, the most idiotic thing I've ever heard OR can herpes cure cancer? And if they can cure cancer then why haven't we been all over this for years? Who wouldn't trade herpes for cancer!? We can work on curing herpes later, just get the brain tumor out of my head, doc!

I can see the public service announcement now....


Black screen, a synthesizer fills the air. Over the darkness you hear "You've got the touch! You've got the powerrrrrrrrrrrrrrr! YEAH!" The screen lights up to see an army of hookers, sailors and porn stars cheering and dancing to the song. Then cut to the musical montage of them marching into hospitals wearing headbands and some sort of t-shirt with some sort of logo splashed across the front. Finally as the song winds down we have a slogan, maybe Kobe Bryant acts as the spokesperson, "Join the Herpes Alliance today, together we can beat cancer!"

Slow piano... "you've got the touch..." BIG FINISH, everyone put their hands in the air, they're wearing some sort of rubber bracelet... but God knows what it looks like.

Anyway, I'm open to ideas.

UPDATE: Brinton came with the science. Apparently the herpes cures cancer thing isn't a Hollywood creation at all... now why wasn't this on the news?

I'm pretty sure that I know the answer, but why not take a look at this and decide for yourself. WARNING: GRAPHIC IMAGES. It's unpleasant, but sometimes reality is.

This morning while flipping through various news sources I came across an interesting article on www.macon.com regarding the Ten Commandments. Of course, being that it's a southern state (Georgia) and the Ten Commandments, I knew that I was in for a real treat... however, I didn't know to what extent. Apparently the Governor of the great state of Georgia is not only requiring that they put the Ten Commandments up on everything in the state, but also that educators in the state (ranked 40th in America) must now begin teaching classes on The Bible.

Just to repeat, public schools in Georgia will now be required to teach Bible study during school hours. This isn't an after school club, this isn't a free speech issue, this is a regulated and mandatory Bible class in a taxpayer funded institution. It doesn't indicate whether or not the class will be an elective or part of a required curriculum, I'd say, "surely it can't be required, they can't do that!" But then again I would have said, "surely they won't just start overtly teaching the Bible in schools!"

So, in my outrage I turned to the ultimate source for humor in today's world, FARK. A glance at the Fark.com message board brought chuckles, a few belly laughs, but most importantly it brought up one very interesting point. Modern day Christians find themselves in a dead sprint to tack the Ten Commandments up on every building and public square within arms reach, however, these same Christians choose not to follow the various other rules of the Old Testament. It should also be pointed out that at least in my opinion posting only the Ten Commandments is, at best, reckless. To give the impression that these are the ten official laws of God not only twists the words of the Old and New Testaments, but also reduces the impact of the statements by providing no explanation as to WHY these particular acts are so reprehensible.

That's why I'm going to make an official request of Evangelical Christians right now. STOP WITH THE TEN COMMANDMENTS! Here's a new idea... instead of chasing shopkeepers down with crude photocopies of commandment lists, instead of spending millions of dollars in court costs trying to keep giant statues erected on public property (don't even get me started on how that relates idolatry), try spending some of that time and money helping the poor. A little compassion goes a long way with people, and the folks you're trying to convert aren't going to see the light just because a statue is blocking the door to the courthouse or an 8 X 11.5 sheet of paper is hanging in the gas station. However, your actions will speak louder than your words.

Finally, one last point. Why not start posting The Eight Beatitudes? After all, Evangelical Christians are certainly more in sync with Jesus than they are with Moses, and the Beatitudes are hardly confrontational. They offer a more open and comforting view of the church, one that's far more inviting than the strict list of ten things that you'd better NEVER do. In case you're unfamiliar with The Eight Beatitudes, here they are:

The text of St. Matthew runs as follows:

• Blessed are the poor in spirit: for theirs is the kingdom of heaven. (Verse 3)
• Blessed are the meek: for they shall posses the land. (Verse 4)
• Blessed are they who mourn: for they shall be comforted. (Verse 5)
• Blessed are they that hunger and thirst after justice: for they shall have their fill. (Verse 6)
• Blessed are the merciful: for they shall obtain mercy. (Verse 7)
• Blessed are the clean of heart: for they shall see God. (Verse 8)
• Blessed are the peacemakers: for they shall be called the children of God. (Verse 9)
• Blessed are they that suffer persecution for justice' sake, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven. (Verse 10)

Why is it that modern "Born-Again Christians" aren't interested in talking about these laws? Especially being that these laws were handed down directly from Jesus himself. Could it be that they aren't as judgmental? Could it be that they aren't as direct? OR, could it be that the powers that be at the very top of these religious organizations aren't interested in blessing the poor, the meek, the merciful and the peacemakers?

I'll leave that one up to you.

Y'know, it seems that when someone questions the motivations of this administration countless people rush to call them a nut. If you assert that this administration may actually be plotting something far more sinister than raiding Arab Nations for oil people rush to call you a crazy person. If you suggest for even one second that Hitler started this way... well, you're certifiable. But do you think that maybe, as they're starting construction on internment camps, "just in case," now would be a good time to start bringing some of those issues to the table.

Aw hell, what do I know... I'm certifiable.

I wish that Lee Greenwood would write a song to express how proud I am to be a Kentuckian right now. Ladies and Gentleman, Senator Jim Bunning (R-KY) made a top five list... the top five worst senators in America. Quite simply, if you voted for Jim Bunning, you're probably a jackass. I'm sure that not everyone that voted for the man is a jackass, but I knew entirely too many conservatives that just simply wouldn't vote for him to start making mass exclusions.

Thus, if you voted for Jim Bunning, you're almost certainly a jackass.

Really... there's just no excuse for that.

Today I have a few random observations. Some newsworthy, some not... but not a linear bunch either way.

Someone has been arrested in the Natalie Holloway case. As happy as I am that this poor girl may get some justice, I'd also like to join the masses in complaining that I am sick to death of the "missing white girl" of the month. I had planned on commenting on the rash of missing white people back in 2001 on the Clay City Free Press website... boy do I wish I'd done that. Right now I could be pointing out that I was leading the charge against the rampant loss of whitey, now I just get to join the party.

The version of "Devil's Right Hand" from the Brokeback Mountain soundtrack is exponentially better than the original version. How is it possible that Social Security Steve Earle can rock so much harder than Heroin Addicted Young Punk Steve Earle? I'd make one of those, "if I'm that cool when I'm fifty..." kind of comments, but let's face it, I'm not that cool now... I don't stand a chance.

Miss T (the T is for Tayla) is back in the hizzouse with a new blog entry. First of all, congratulations to her for her recognition from the SPLC, a very real group of American Heroes. Second of all, everyone really should take a minute and reflect on what these guys have done for our country. Everyone agrees that the Civil Rights Movement was a difficult period in American History, but it doesn't hurt to remind yourself of how difficult from time to time.


The United States of America is getting closer and closer to military action in Iran every day. Now, normal people would say, "how could we possibly consider that?" Those normal people would be completely justified. After all, doesn't it make sense to bring a reasonable conclusion to at least one of the wars we've started before engaging ourselves in another one? One that even Tony Blair doesn't support? Of course, we should be rioting in the streets over even the mere speculation of putting boots on the ground in Tehran, but never fear, Fox News Military Analyst Thomas McInereny says that it's a great idea!

Now, amidst the constant talk of war, we have a whisper of peace coming from Wilmington, Delaware. Remember Nick Berg? Sure you do, he was the young man beheaded in Iraq some time ago, if memory serves he was the first shocking beheading that I'd ever seen on the news. Conservative radio and television touted Berg as a hero, demanded our prayer for his parents and probably considered putting his face on the dime at one point (anything to get rid of that damn Roosevelt). Well, the very father that needed your prayers apparently heard them and is running for the House of Representatives from the great state of Delaware... on the Green Party ticket. Now, I'm confused, should we still be praying for him or are we supposed to question his patriotism now? It's so hard to keep up.

Easter has come and gone, barely surviving the radical left-wing attack on everything from bunnies to Peeps. Just in case the "War on Christmas" wasn't the most idiotic "issue" that you'd ever seen, we also had Bill O'Reilly's "War on Easter." An issue so horribly myopic that even Shephard Smith felt the need to comment. Keep watching, the best line comes at the end.

Finally, for those of you already marking your calendars for the 2008 Presidential Election, some interesting news is coming out of the red states. Apparently someone finally noticed that just because a state went for George W. Bush twice it wasn't out of play for the Democrats FOREVER. Unfortunately we no longer have just blue and red states to concern ourselves with, we now have powder blue states and pink states. I'd be outraged at the absurdity if the terms weren't being invented to illustrate weakening Republican holds on normally safe states. Although I'm sure that Kentucky is still very red, perhaps we can work together to bring about a Fuchsia Future for the Commonwealth (or, dare to dream a Promise of Periwinkle).

Is it just me or was everyone that I know born between March and July?

Sorry for the lack of bloggin' lately, but there just hasn't been much to say. Hopefully something will irritated me enough this weekend to bring on a rant or two, but I've been in a generally great mood for the last couple of weeks. ANYWAY, just thought I'd let you know that you're invited to a birthday extravaganza for Misty Wells at Cody's place this Saturday (4-15-06).

Hope to see everyone then!

When a person sits down to talk about the greatest albums ever made he or she will typically start naming Beatles, Stones and Dylan records. Then someone points out that he or she has forgotten The Who and/or The Velvet Underground. At that point somebody starts talking about Rakim and N.W.A... at that point it becomes a free-for-all.

Unfortunately, an album that NEVER gets mentioned in those circles is this one

I won't go into a long dissertation about this record and why it's so great. All that I have to say is that when I was about 20 years old Belle and Sebastian were just about my favorite band on Earth. Lately I've started to rediscover their absolutely amazing catalogue, if you're still waiting to discover it then please stop waiting. Buy Tigermilk, you'll thank me later.

I'd like to start this post by saying this... I'm no environmentalist. Don't get me wrong, I have nothing against the environment, I enjoy saving trees and spotted owls as much as the next guy. However, being from a family in which coal buttered my bread for years I understand that often eco-progress not only gets in the way of pollution, but it gets in the way of jobs.

Reasonable eco-dudes and eco-dudettes are fine with me. People that understand clean coal technology, people that realize that logging is just part of life and that trees really will grow back, and people that value the life of a human being over the life of an endangered beetle are a-okay in my book. Unfortunately there are entirely too many holier-than-thou types in this country that give reasonable environmental concerns a bad name. No one gets everything they want, so if you managed to save 50,000 acres of slug habitat then just rest for a few months, don't immediately start calling the hard working Joes that you see logging around the area "murderers."

Now, having said that I will share some eco-news.

The green people of our wonderful country can often be heard throwing endless tantrums regarding the importance of saving America's wetlands. I'll be the first to admit that I haven't done a great deal of research into WHY we should save the wetlands, but as long as it keeps another Wal-Mart out of Florida then I'm 100% behind it. So fine, let's save the wetlands, woo!

Then the information comes out that the Bush administration has created the first net increase in wetlands conservation for the first time since the 1950's, saving 191,800 acres since the last tally. WOW, I thought. George W. Bush is actually doing something about conservation? Maybe I've completely "misunderestimated" this guy... could I have been wrong? As I sat there for a few seconds pondering this new Earth-friendly President Bush I heard a loud thud echoing through my living room... that thud was the other shoe dropping.

How did this anti-environment administration manage to save more wetlands than Jimmy Carter? Quite simple, actually... they just re-categorized golf course water hazards as wetlands. Nope, I'm not making it up. You just can't make up quotes like this one from Jeanne Christie, executive director of the Association of State Wetland Managers Inc, "The 'no net loss of wetlands' is largely due to the proliferation of ponds, lakes and other 'deepwater habitats,' as the report points out," she said. "These ponds include ornamental lakes for residential developments, stormwater retention ponds, wastewater treatment lagoons, aquaculture ponds and golf course water hazards."

Lately the news has been dominated by the ongoing debate over illegal immigration. Spin-masters on the right and the left have taken to the airwaves to insist that they know the answers, or to at least insist that they know more than the other guy. The problem is that absolutely no one is listening to anyone else, just sitting quietly (or sometimes not) while formulating a response. The fact is this, illegal immigration is a fact of life. There isn't one country in the world that doesn't deal with the problem, and being that we're the world's only remaining superpower sharing a border with a borderline third-world nation you have to expect that we'll get our share.

It's true that we do need a stronger border. I couldn't agree more with the right-wingers that leaving gaping holes in the border also leaves gaping holes in our national security. It's easy to dismiss that, but once a dirty bomb slips in through Arizona and detonates in Chicago we'll be screaming for someone's head.

However, rounding up millions of people and tossing them out of the country is not only a stupid idea in the practical sense, but it could also lead to economic disaster. Anyone suggesting (as Rush Limbaugh has) that these people aren't jumping the borders to find work has reached a point of stupidity only previously found in single-celled organisms. These people are coming to our country to find jobs and provide for their families, end of story. And whether you'd like to admit it, they're doing the jobs that we just won't do. The next time I hear someone say, "they're taking jobs from Americans" I'm going to scream. Face it, Americans are lazy. There is an entire generation of Americans that we can't even convince to get off of the couch, and I promise you it's not because "all of the good landscaping/fruit picking/dishwashing jobs are taken." When we start heaving brown skinned people out of the country by the truckload are YOU going to be willing to do those jobs?

Instead of going on for pages and pages about the pros and cons of illegal immigration I figure I'll just leave it to an expert. Fareed Zakaria has become one of the premiere intellectuals in this country and has written a fantastic piece on America's immigration crisis... or lack thereof. So, see what he has to say, I'll just leave you with two points.

1. Don't harp on the fact that "It's ILLEGAL!" You undoubtedly break the law every day. You speed, you're drive after you've had a few drinks, you download music and/or movies, etc. These are laws, just the same as the laws that forbid illegal entrance to the country. And you're not doing it to feed your family.

2. Illegal Immigration is a smokescreen issue. It's designed to take your eye off of the ball. It's emotional, it causes people to revert to jingoism and uber-nationalism (and to a certain degree racism). Every day corporate America dodges responsibility and ships your jobs overseas by the freighter load. However, we don't see fiery speeches on the Senate floor regarding corporate responsibility. Don't get wrapped up in the job issue, it's a joke, an issue that has been crafted to get your attention... don't let it happen to you.

Just when you thought you had it all figured out, this guy had to come along and screw everything up...

Let's all give a big Blogjammin' hello to the President of Turkmenistan, or should I say "President for Life" of Turkmenistan, Saparmurat Niyazov! Now, don't let the fact that he looks just like Wayne Newton fool you, this guy is a genuinely nasty character. In fact, he managed to single-handedly screw up the entire order of things in one fell swoop... here's how:

You see, I had pretty much gotten to be set in my ways. I had established that, at least in my opinion the world's No. 1 evil dictator was Bashar al-Assad, the No. 1 wacky religion was Scientology and the No. 1 oppressive regieme was somewhere between the leftover Taliban and the American Conservatives. Then, just when I finally put my feet up on the ottoman of by Globo-Political Barc-O-Lounger THIS GUY pops up.

President for life Niyazov (or Turkmenbashy as he is known to his homies in the street) has managed to take oppression AND wacky religion by storm by naming himself the new God of the new holy land of Turkmenistan. Wow... I promise you that if Karl Rove had thought of this one by now we'd have entire religious groups praying at King George's feet... don't laugh, you know it's true. The religion is simple enough, read his holy text three times and go to heaven...

Well...

What are you waiting for, read it, NOW!

You'll thank me when you're in Turkmeni-heaven... now, where can I get one of these statues?