Ladies... hide your ovaries.

Please proceed immediately to Tina's blog to read what could be the funniest thing I've ever seen. The top 50 Most Loathsome People in America. Allow me to give you a taste:

37. Donovan McNabb

Charges: Played so poorly that his demoralized and alienated teammates yearned for the return of ego-vampire Terrell Owens. A chocolate commodity so inoffensive he makes Hershey bars look militant.

43. Rush Limbaugh

Charges: Rather than engage in the admittedly difficult task of justifying GOP policies rationally, the key to Limbaugh’s success is attracting an audience that actually yearns to be lied to. It doesn’t matter how many righteous fact-checkers assail him in print and on the web, because dittoheads don’t care that he’s lying, as long as the lies justify their prejudices. Limbaugh’s program is not just hypocritical; it is a celebration of hypocrisy for ignorant crackers, angry at smart people and strung out on the dwindling sensation that they are better than everyone else by virtue of their race, sex, nationality or level of bluster, because their character and accomplishments don’t warrant such feelings. If political discussion were sex, the Limbaugh audience would be a horde of virgins beating off to deranged rape fantasies.

27. Ann Coulter

Charges: The fact that Coulter is considered desirable by Republicans betrays their sick and masochistic nature. We saw Coulter in person this year, and she is a revolting skeleton with a boob job and a grotesquely oversized head, who feeds only on the hatred of her target audience, liberals. Sole redeeming quality is that she is impossible to take seriously--she's really more of a shock comic than a political commentator, whether she knows it or not.

Wonderful, wonderful stuff. One of the best reads in ages, thanks Tina for that spectacular, wonderful thing.

Would someone please inform the folks at MOVIEGUIDE that witchcraft doesn't exist? In fact, would someone take it upon them self to personally slap the living hell out of anyone that disapproves of any book, movie, video game or anything else because of it's positive portrayal of magic?

MAGIC IS NOT REAL.

I'll say this to the MOVIEGUIDERS of the world... if you can show me one instance, one single time where someone actually uses magic I'll join your crusade. Just pick me up with your mind, make a bunny appear, do ONE real act of magic and I'll be on the front lines of the anti-magic movement. Until then, please leave Nanny McPhee alone.

Most of you know that I get a great deal of my information, and subsequently a great deal of the stories featured here from Fark.com. For those of you that aren't regular readers, Fark is a daily collection of strange stories from around the globe, tagged with comical headlines and sometimes endless talkback threads.

Having said that, I try not to put too many Fark stories on Blogjammin' in one day, but today was an exception. This was just too bizarre to not bring to the masses.


Ok. I'm going to try to get through this without my head exploding. It seems that Lindsay Lohan spends the night with Bryan Adams, then wakes up to make breakfast, takes a shower and falls down the stairs slashing her leg with a broken tea cup.

Now, let's break this down...

Lindsay Lohan, super hot "it girl" and attention whore decides to shack up with BRYAN ADAMS for the evening and stays for breakfast. Now, I'm not making typo after typo, this isn't sexy troubadour Ryan Adams, this is over-the-hill Canadian Bryan Adams.

She then decides, mid-breakfast mind you, that she needs a shower. So to review, not only is she spending the night with BRYAN ADAMS, but it's no drunken accident, she's familiar enough with him and his home to grab some breakfast and take a shower before she leaves.

She then comes back down the stairs of BRYAN ADAMS' house, slips and lands on a now broken teacup, requiring ten stitches.


Maybe I just have an odd sense of humor, but I really do find this to be the most surreal and drop dead hilarious story of 2006 thus far. Bryan Adams is scoring barely legal movie stars and making waffles.

Bryan Adams is the man.

and Don Johnson has 8 billion dollars.

Sometimes I find myself thinking, "maybe I'm a little too hard on Paris Hilton." After all, it isn't really her fault that she was born into wealth and privilege. She didn't ask to have her every move splashed across the New York Post and US Weekly, well, okay, maybe she did... but still, does that really warrant the vicious attacks that I've levelled at her over the years?

Absolutely... and today you'll find out yet another reason why.

In case you somehow missed out on this story, Miss Hilton is currently being sued by Zeta Graff, social miscreant and former lover of her new beau Paris Lastis (is there anything more sickening that TWO people named PARIS in love?). The story goes that Hilton intentionally placed a story in that bastion of great journalism, "Page Six," that defamed Graff's character and somehow ruined her life in some way. In response Graff is suing Hilton. Move over O.J., the real trial of the century has arrived... or since we're in a new century, maybe O.J. can stay right where he is. So, when Paris isn't peeing on cabs she's being grilled on the witness stand, and no good can come of that.

Here's a link to some of Miss Hilton's more impressive statements, but just to whet your whistle I'll include a few teasers... keep in mind, this is straight from Hilton's brain to mouth to paper.

"He said that she was going to do voodoo on me. And I kind of do believe in that stuff a little bit, so I was a little bit scared about that... "

"I just said to her... she is old and should stay at home with her child instead of being at nightclubs with young people. And just that -- I just - what else did I say? Just that she is not cute at all."

At one point she blurted out: "I'm so hungry."

Bill Maher once said, "And that's when I knew I'd never be mainstream."

I can now safely say that after reading this piece of information I now realize EXACTLY what he means. I'll include a link, but the relevant part of the text is below.

News Corp.'s ``Big Momma's House 2,'' a sequel to the 2000 Martin Lawrence comedy, debuted in first place this weekend with $28 million in North American ticket sales. It was the second best-ever January opener.

It was the second best-ever January opener.

It was the second best-ever January opener.

It was the second best-ever January opener.

Updates are available at Cory's Comprehensive Film List.

You are hereby invited to the wedding of George H.W. Bush and William Jefferson Clinton!

Honestly, at this point would anyone be that surprised to hear that statement in the daily White House press briefings? The fact of the matter is that these two have gotten closer than Alexander and Hephaistion after one too many in the bath house. The only question then becomes is Bill turning into Little George's new brother or that cool step-dad that lets him sneak a beer and a smoke behind the shed when Barb isn't looking?

(Oh, and I did see the opening for a Brokeback Mountain joke, but come on, aren't those played out by now?)

Personally, I think that this could work out quite nicely for George Junior. At this point President Bush has made fewer wise career moves than Balthazar Getty at Scores, surely he could use some fresh new advice... and if anyone knows a thing or two about Scores it's Uncle Bill. Aside from the fundraising and child rearing, just think of the implications this coupling could have on future generations of politicians!

The Byrd-Stevens Coalition for better bridges to the future!

The Kerry-McCain Illegitimate Children with Fraudulent War Wounds Association of America.

The Rice-Obama Committee Against Running for President (disbanding in 2008).

Several major news sources (US Weekly, People, The Weekly World News) are reporting that the Fox Network is in talks with the two former Presidents to star in their very own reality series to air this fall. Apparently the new series, "World Leader Island," will pit various world leaders against one another in endurance challenges to decide once and for all which nation has the most BADASSSSS Leaders! Former leaders Helmut Kohl, John Major and the ghost of Francois Mitterrand have already signed on to represent their nations.

So, it is with great bi-partisan fervor that I celebrate our new first couple. Congratulations Presidents Bush and Clinton, and here's to a happy and healthy life!

I'll be hosting trivia tonight at Trump's (Andover) in the city of Lexington. Hopefully some of you cats will come out and enjoy some fellowship and cold beer. It gets boring in there without a familiar face or two (and someone that actually has heard of the songs that I'm playing... Rachel).

So, try to make it if you can, and if you can't then please enjoy this ice skating monkey.

Al Sharpton doesn't find The Boondocks funny... isn't he also one of the guys that jumped up and down when Bill Cosby said essentially the same thing? Can we not go just one day without someone throwing a hissy fit?

The answer is of course no, and watch as I throw my own hissy fit riiiiiiight now!

The new Spiderman costume is terrible. I can't even tell what's going on in this thing, but I'm not quite sure exactly why Spiderman needed three extra arms. Spiderman is now a five-armed Iron Man... great.

Thanks Marvel.

Well, at least we're being reasonable...

Advocate.com is reporting today that the United States Military has cut 10,000 soldiers over the past ten years under the positively freakin' brilliant "Don't Ask, Don't Tell" policy instituted by President Clinton (just in case the sarcasm didn't come through clearly, let me assure you, it's there). Of these 10,000 soldiers, more than 240 were MEDICS!

Now, let's think about this. You're in Fallujah, shots whizzing past your head. One hits you, you're on the ground with blood all around you, does anyone in that situation give anything even close to a damn about the sexuality of the guy with the tourniquet and the morphine!?

Of course, many of you probably aren't too keen on clicking on The Advocate's website, so I'll post the article in this blog entry:

Military discharges hundreds of medics under gay ban

Among the nearly 10,000 service members expelled under the Pentagon's antigay "don't ask, don't tell" policy over a 10-year period, hundreds have been medical specialists and officers. According to data released on Wednesday by the Center for the Study of Sexual Minorities in the Military, 244 medical specialists were kicked out in the period spanning 1994 to 2003, the first 10 years the policy was in effect. The data were obtained from the Pentagon with the help of Rep. Marty Meehan, a Massachusetts Democrat who sits on the House Armed Services Committee.

Aaron Belkin, director of the center and an associate professor of political science at the University of California, Santa Barbara, said the discharges provide evidence that the ban is hampering military readiness. "The consequences of shortfalls in medical specialists during wartime are serious," he said. "When the military lacks the medical personnel it needs on the front lines, it compromises the well-being not only of its injured troops but of the overextended specialists who have to work longer tours to replace those who have been discharged."

According to the new data, the 244 medical personnel discharged under "don't ask, don't tell" included physicians, nurses, biomedical laboratory technicians, and other highly trained medical specialists. The revelation comes at a time when the military has acknowledged it is struggling with significant shortfalls in recruitment and retention of medical personnel for the wars in Iraq and Afghanistan.

According to a Senate report issued in 2003 by senators Christopher Bond and Patrick Leahy, hundreds of injured Guard and Army Reserve soldiers "have been receiving inadequate medical attention" while housed at Fort Stewart because of a lack of preparedness that includes "an insufficient number of medical clinicians and specialists, which has caused excessive delays in the delivery of care." The situation created the perception among soldiers that they were receiving care that was inferior to that received by active duty personnel, which had a "devastating and negative impact on morale." (Advocate.com)

The White House, apparently growing tired of all of the overwhelmingly positive press that spy scandals, rumors of corruption and the Iraq War brings has decided to serve the American people a heaping tablespoon of "go to hell."

Yesterday's USA Today reported that the Bush Administration was slowing the release of critical documents surrounding the ill-fated response to Hurricane Katrina, and in some cases hiding information. Conspiracy theorists worldwide have already begun spinning this into a story of intrigue, one of malicious intent, one with racial and economic undertones that could tear down the administration and cast an immense shadow on American Domestic Policy.

... but I know the truth.

The truth is this... after Michael Brown's removal as director of the FEMA the White House did not immediately move on to current director Joe Allbaugh. There was a short period of time where a new director was appointed, one that shook the levels of FEMA to the core. His radical stylings proved too much for the Bush Administration and he was quickly removed from his post, but only he knew the truth... that Katrina was an elaborate trap set by our enemies, one that we fell into.


If only we'd listened to you, brave Admiral Ackbar... if only.

Good morning folks, who wants to talk about the Jack Abramoff scandal? Don't worry, I'll make this as painless as possible. I could swamp you with information, factiods and quotes... but what fun would that be? Essentially the story comes down to the same old song and dance that we've been shucking and jiving along to for years... corruption, greed and screwing the Indians (er, uhm, Native Americans... sorry).

So who exactly is Jack Abramoff (and don't think that I missed the joke wherein I'd spell the first five letters of his name in a smaller font than the last three)? Well, for starters he appears to be a character from an old Carol Reed film.


Seriously, could this guy look any more like a villain? I fully expect him to be shaking down local merchants for protection money, not congress. And what the hell is with conservatives and these goofy hats?

Dear Conservatives,

I regret to inform you that we have now entered the 21st Century. Upon arrival we began confiscating trench coats and private detective hats. We will also be putting in a ban on phrases such as, "Cheese it, it's the fuzz," "You'll never take me alive, copper!" and "We're gonna go for a little ride, see."

We apologize for any inconvenience this may have caused.

Sincerely,

The Rest of F$&@ing Society

Now, with that out of the way, let's address some of the issues surrounding exactly what's going on with this Abramoff dude. Essentially Mr. Abramoff, along side Congress' favorite choirboy Tom DeLay, managed to line his pockets on the back of Indian Gambling interests to the tune of 66 MILLION DOLLARS. He then did what any wise investor does, he invested that money in society's one fool-proof, never fail investment... Congress.

Of course, this scandal is far more complicated than that. In fact, that explanation is almost childlike in its simplicity. So, for a more detailed explanation of what's going on click here. Or, if you just don't feel like reading that rather lengthy document, check out this chart. It may do more to confuse than clarify, but it's worth a shot.


Now, you knew that this could only be the tip of the iceberg. Surely as enlightened, intelligent readers of Blogjammin' you've figured out by now that President Bush SURELY has to be involved in this mess somehow. Well, you're right!

Two weeks ago White House Press Secretary Scott McClellan informed the White House Press Corps that he would be assembling a "comprehensive report" on President Bush's relationship with Jack Abramoff. As Americans we were lead to believe that all would soon be revealed. Well, big effing shock, nothing is to be revealed. In true Bush fashion we were told last week that the President had never met Jack Abramoff, they had nothing in common, they didn't know each other.

Of course now we're being informed that Abramoff was a "Pioneer" in the Bush election campaign (which means that he contributed a minimum of $100,000 to Bush's election efforts), worked on the Bush transition team and charged clients $25,000 for face time with the president.

... aaaaaaaaaaaand then there are the photos. Yep, that's right, President Bush met with Abramoff on more than one occasion. In fact, he met with him on more than half a dozen occasions, and that's just what we can prove with PHOTOGRAPHIC EVIDENCE! Of course, the White House isn't releasing any of these photos, but try to use your imagination...

Updates are available at the comprehensive movie list!

I'll come with the actual blog update in a bit.

There's not much to report today, just a lazy Tuesday... is it Tuesday?

I will say that the best music in the damn world is coming out these days. If you're not keeping your ear to the ground for some of these bands then you're making a huge mistake. Just in the last year I've been lucky enough to hear album after album of brilliant material and it just shows no signs of stopping. So, if you get the chance check some of these guys out.

The Subways
Books
Sufjan Stevens
Devendra Banhart
Jens Lekman

... aw hell, I could go on for hours and name bands like Animal Collective and Arcade Fire that everyone's sick to death of hearing me ramble on and on about. So anyway, put down the Kelly Clarkson record... slowly! Try something new, I'll even make you mix tape if you'd like.

For those of you planning to flee to Canada and scream "ASYLUM" at the top of your lungs... you might want to rethink that.

"Conservative Stephen Harper pledged to quickly carry out his campaign promises to cut taxes, get tough on crime and repair strained ties with Washington"

Well, American values are now spreading throughout Northern America, and judging by the recent elections in Germany Europe too! And really, how could that be a bad thing? As Americans we have so much to offer the world! So, welcome to the octopus, Canada.

American Culture is a good thing.

American Culture is a GOOD thing.

AMERICAN CULTURE IS A GOOD THING.

DAMNIT TO HELL DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND HOW F&%@CKING GREAT AMERICA IS YOU SONSOFBITCHES!!!?

For those of you that moan when you see a sports post... this probably isn't for you.

First of all, ESPN.com has released the projected top 25 NCAA Football standings (according to Pat Forde) for the 2005-2006 season. Who may you ask sits atop this mountain of talent? What mighty team could be in line to wreak havoc on the college game next season, eventually taking home that horrible looking glass football?


You guessed it, the West Virginia Mountaineers. Seems like an easy pick to me. Slaton and White dominated the Big East in their positions and then waxed Georgia in their own backyard. With the Big East weakened and VA Tech off the schedule for the first time since man walked upright, an undefeated season really should be a gimmie. The question then becomes, "Will West Virginia play for the title or be left sitting on the sidelines, Auburn-style?" That will, of course, depend on pre-season rankings... which sucks.

On another note, as I'm sure you're all aware, the SuperBowl teams have been assigned. It will be an historic matchup, a battle for the ages, quite possibly the greatest SuperBowl in the history of the game... of course, to be honest it'll probably be the most boring thing to ever hit television.

But there are the top 7 reasons to be excited (and to cheer for the Seahakws).

1. After this season we probably won't have to look at Jerome Bettis any longer. The talented and oh, so hungry Bettis will probably be looking to get out of the game after this season, so just look at it as one more game and he's gone forever... which brings me to number two.

2. Ruin Jerome's day. The 2nd half of the season and playoff ride has been something of a storybook finish for Pittsburgh. They had to win every game at the end of the season to make the playoffs, they did. They had to beat the #1, 2, and 3 teams in the AFC on the road to make it to the Superbowl, they did. And now they get to play for the title in Jerome's home town of Detroit. Damn, I just get teary-eyed thinking about it... jackass.

I found this picture while searching for a Bettis pic. It's from a guy that sell original paintings of Martin Luther King, Kramer and Jerome Bettis. That may be the strangest thing I'll see today.

3. The Steelers suck, and I hear that they commit violent crimes in the off-season.

4. Bill Cowher worships the devil.

5. Troy Polamalu once refused to give up three inches of his hair to knit a wig for a young cancer patient. He then kicked the girl in the stomach and ran off chanting something about Satan.

6. Ben Roethlisberger sells Chinese Babies on the black market.

7. Shaun Alexander, baby! Just imagine, Shaun wins the SuperBowl MVP trophy and gives shout outs to his homies back in the K-Y!


So anyway, let's go Seahawks! It's hard to get excited, I know, but try. Really, give it a shot. You can do it, I swear.

Worst SuperBowl Ever.

One last thing. I got this in an email from Kevin over the weekend, I found it to exceptionally funny, so I'll share:

The Jim Ross Award for Best Moment that Could Have Been Made into a
Fantastic Story Line

To Mike Vanderjagt for shanking that season-ending field goal, which looked
like one of Ali Haji Sheikh's efforts if you were playing the 1982 Giants at
the All-Madden Level and completely screwed up the kicking wheel. After all
of Vanderjagt's problems with Manning over the years, I kept waiting for the
postgame press conference when Vanderjagt pretended to be upset, answered a
few questions, and then suddenly Bill Cowher's music started playing (with
Cowher dressed as Sergeant Slaughter), followed by Vanderjagt breaking into
a big smile, and then the two of them hugging as Jim Ross screamed "No! No!
No! My God, no!" Then Vanderjagt would rip off his Colts jersey to reveal a
Steelers jersey underneath. This would have been one of the five greatest
moments in sports history. And you know what? There's still time.

I am the world's happiest man!

As of this moment I am the proud owner of two tickets to see Oasis at the Taft Theater in Cincinnati on Saturday, March 25th! My seats are indicated on the seating chart with two red dots, the Vickie and Rachel seats are indicated with the two blue dots, the Kenny Rice seats with the two white dots. If anyone else snagged tickets to the show (David, Chad, Treebeard) let me know and I'll be happy to add additional dots.

Oasis is coming to Cincinnati on Saturday, March 25th! Tickets go on sale at 10:00 AM. I'm buying two. Buy two for yourself by clicking here!

Why does everyone hate the French?

Paris, as seen from The Eiffel Tower

Today I found a joke in my inbox, funny as could be, but taking shots at the French. As I looked at the graphic that accompanied this joke (a cartoon American unleashing his cartoon urine on a cartoon France) I asked myself, "why do Americans so hate the French?" This inspired me to do a bit of thinking and attempt to come up with some of the more pervasive French stereotypes and play devil's advocate with our cheese-eating surrender-monkey brothers across the pond.

#1. The French are Rude to Americans.

This one is my favorite. I so enjoy it because it's most commonly heard by Americans that, by and large, have never encountered a French person in their entire life. It's also fairly typical of that good old fashioned American arrogance that we hear so much about. For example, an American goes on vacation to Paris. Being American (and assuming that the entire civilized world speaks English), he or she makes absolutely no effort to learn one word of the native tongue of the land in which he or she is visiting. After a few hours lost in downtown Paris, and without any help from the locals, said American becomes angry and declares that all French people are RUDE!

Of course, this very same American then returns to his home in Texas and complains about the "goddamn foreigners" coming into his country. "This is America," he says, "don't come over here if you ain't willin' to speak the damn language." Nothing is funnier than a linguistics lesson from a man tossing the word "ain't" around.

2. The French are Cowards.

If I had a nickel for every time that I've heard someone say, "The damn Frenchies better kiss our ass, if it wasn't for us they'd be speakin' German right now." Well, that's true, but need I remind you that if it weren't for them we'd have been in WWII much earlier, as members of the British Army. Yes, we provided a great deal of support for the French in WWII, and contrary to popular belief, they actually appreciate it. But try not to forget that the French did do a great deal of "ass-saving" in the Revolutionary War. As best I can see, we're even after WWII.

Furthermore, how is it that Americans are willing to forgive the Italians, Germans and Japanese... people that actually KILLED AMERICANS, but not those dirty French.

Paris, as seen from The Bastille

#3. What have the French done that we haven't done better?

Allow me to cite a few examples.

French Impressionism

French New Wave

French Cooking

French Wine

French Salad Dressing

French Stewart

In fact, let's be realistic here, I could go on for hours about things that the French have done and are doing better than we are, but no one cares that much, so let's just get on with it.

#4. Their women don't shave.

Yes they do.

#5. They all smell

No they don't, although surely some do, but if you've ever spent more than a few seconds on a subway car then you're very aware that this isn't confined to the borders of France.

Paris, as seen from Da Club

So, there you have it. A few minutes defending our much-beleaguered friends, the French. No, they aren't perfect, in fact they're just like everyone else. So, please stop stereotyping the beret-wearing, chain smoking cheese munchers and hug a frenchman or woman today. You can take your pick, but I think I'll be hugging Melissa Theuriau... because let's face it folks, that's one thing we DON'T have... Melissa Theuriau.

Hooray! Belle & Sebastian will be coming to Lousiville on March 9th! Surely someone (David, Jeff, Yosh, Rachel?) will be up for this one. I'm going to try to get tickets this weekend, so let me know if you're up for it.

First of all, let's all wish a happy birthday to Wendy Walker!! She's now officially old and doesn't have one single birthday to look forward to. Really Wendy, after this one you're just thinking about retirement and Social Security.


May I suggest taking up knitting? And since you're not yet married you may want to start buying up cats now. After all, what's "that crazy old lady down the street" without her loyal army of cats? So there you go, happy 21st birthday Wendy!

Speaking of crazy people, what the hell is up with New Orleans Mayor Ray Nagin? In case you didn't hear, this nutcase has declared that he will rebuild New Orleans in the way that it was intended... a chocolate city. Of course, this came as news to both Parliament and Funkadelic who established their own Chocolate City in 1975.


Both George Clinton and Bootsy Collins were unavailable for comment, however we were lucky enough to snag an interview with the guy that dances around in the diaper.

Blogjammin: Do you feel that Mayor Nagin may be trying to mimic your own hometown, and if so, could New Orleans become a threat to the tourist dollars that regularly pour into CC?

Diaper Guy: There's a lot of chocolate cities around. We've got Newark, we've got Gary, somebody told me we got L.A. and we're working on Atlanta, but you're the capital CC!

BJ: Of course, of course. So, you're comfortable with New Orleans calling itself Chocolate City as well, then?

DG: They say your jivin' game, it can't be changed. But on the positive side, you're my piece of the rock and I love you CC!

BJ: Excellent. Would you care to close with any parting words to our readers regarding racism in and around America's Chocolate Cities?

DG: Hey, uh, we didn't get our forty acres and a mule, but we did get you CC, heh, yeah! Gainin on ya! Movin in and around ya! God bless CC and it's Vanilla Suburbs.

... and god bless you P-Funk, comin' all the way from the Vanilla Suburbs, yo.

This has nothing to do with anything, I just found it so terribly funny that I thought I'd share.

... And now back to Blogjammin'

By now you've probably heard that Hilary Clinton used the "P" word in a church to describe GOP rule of the house (NO! Get your mind out of the gutter, damnit, she said PLANTATION!) So, let's get this out of the way.

Hilary's quote, "When you look at the way the House of Representatives has been run, it has been run like a plantation - and you know what I am talking about." Not particularly sensitive or apporpriate, and I don't condone it, but entirely true (and we all know what she's talking about).

Now, here come the republicans, ready to scream and yell!

"It is always wrong to play the race card for political gain by using a loaded word like plantation," said Rep. Pete King

"I am a little shocked that a United States senator would use such unfortunate stereotyping to characterize an entire political party," added Rep. Vito Fossella

Scream! Yell! Republicans just LOVE black folk! Lincoln, damnit, LINCOLN!!

Oh, but there is this one other thing...

“I clearly fascinate them,” Gingrich said of the Democrats. “I’m much more intense, much more persistent, much more willing to take risks to get it done. Since they think it is their job to run the plantation, it shocks them that I’m actually willing to lead the slave rebellion.” - Newt Gingrich [Washington Post, 10/20/94]

Click here to see the Golden Globe winners from last night's ceremony. Predictably Brokeback Mountain cleaned house, but the surprise (at least to me) was the powerhouse presence of Walk the Line. I'm not exactly sure how Walk the Line fits into the "Best Musical or Comedy" section, and apparently neither does Joaquin Phoenix who commented on the situation while accepting his award.

I can only assume that the Hollywood Foreign Press felt the need to honor Walk the Line, but felt the Brokeback-Syndrome. The "Brokeback-Syndrome" is my official new cultural buzzword, help me out here, let's all say it together, "Brokeback-Syndrome." Now, it's not particularly fair for me to say this, having not seen Brokeback Mountain, but it seems that most people are afraid to criticize the film (other than Southern Baptists). It has gotten to the point that anyone pointing out a flaw in the film is regarded as "homophobic" or "unenlightened."

What's wrong with just genuinely not enjoying the film? A friend of mine made the comment that Brokeback Mountain didn't seem to work on him for one simple reason... the romance didn't work. "Had that movie been made about a man and a woman no one would care, the romance just isn't there." Now, I disagree with this statement for the following reasons: if "Do the Right Thing" had been set in Omaha it would have had a bit of a different feel and imagine if Jungle Fever had been about two white people, who would have cared? So, content and subject matter certainly has a great deal to do with how the film is to be experienced and how the director intends to convey a message.

Having said that, you aren't a racist if you hate "Do the Right Thing," you aren't an anti-Semite if you hate "Schindler's List" and you aren't anti-Christian if you hated "The Passion of the Christ." So, allow me to be the first to tell you that you aren't homophobic if you didn't care for Brokeback Mountain. Although, if it's as good as those other three films, you may just be a dumbass.

Click here to see the Golden Globe winners from last night's ceremony. Predictably Brokeback Mountain cleaned house, but the surprise (at least to me) was the powerhouse presence of Walk the Line. I'm not exactly sure how Walk the Line fits into the "Best Musical or Comedy" section, and apparently neither does Joaquin Phoenix who commented on the situation while accepting his award.

I can only assume that the Hollywood Foreign Press felt the need to honor Walk the Line, but felt the Brokeback-Syndrome. The "Brokeback-Syndrome" is my official new cultural buzzword, help me out here, let's all say it together, "Brokeback-Syndrome." Now, it's not particularly fair for me to say this, having not seen Brokeback Mountain, but it seems that most people are afraid to criticize the film (other than Southern Baptists). It has gotten to the point that anyone pointing out a flaw in the film is regarded as "homophobic" or "unenlightened."

What's wrong with just genuinely not enjoying the film? A friend of mine made the comment that Brokeback Mountain didn't seem to work on him for one simple reason... the romance didn't work. "Had that movie been made about a man and a woman no one would care, the romance just isn't there." Now, I disagree with this statement for the following reasons: if "Do the Right Thing" had been set in Omaha it would have had a bit of a different feel and imagine if Jungle Fever had been about two white people, who would have cared? So, content and subject matter certainly has a great deal to do with how the film is to be experienced and how the director intends to convey a message.

Having said that, you aren't a racist if you hate "Do the Right Thing," you aren't an anti-Semite if you hate "Schindler's List" and you aren't anti-Christian if you hated "The Passion of the Christ." So, allow me to be the first to tell you that you aren't homophobic if you didn't care for Brokeback Mountain. Although, if it's as good as those other three films, you may just be a dumbass.

Speaking of movies...


Idlewild, featuring Big Boi and Andre 3000, will be opening on March 10th at a theater near you. Why should you be excited? Well, any musical composed by Outkast and set in a prohibition-era speakeasy in the south is going to be interesting. Besides, it features Terrance Howard, and isn't it law now that every film featuring Terrence Howard be of the highest quality? Or, wait, is it law that every film must feature Terrence Howard regardless of quality... well, either way I'm jazzed about the film.

Check out the trailer!

Welcome back to work hell!

Aaron has made some interesting changes over at his Red Diaper-Doper Baby Commie Pinko site, I'm a fan, and hopefully you will be too!

One major change over at the Aaron the Saylor Man's site is an ever growing list of every film that he watches in the year 2006. Now, being that I've never had an original idea in my life, I've decided to blatantly steal this idea and use it myself. I'll be keeping a second blog with an ongoing list of films that I watch this year. You can see the first entry here!

I'll be back with exciting new thingamajigs later, just trying to get my ducks in a row at the moment.

Finally, a candidate we can get behind!

Details are sketchy, but early reports suggest that Stanton's own Robbie Wright will be running for constable in district 4. Now, Blogjammin' will be making attempts to stay clear of promoting candidates in the local elections (coughrobertkingforcountyattorneycough) and will attempt to remain a fair and impartial source of information on the upcoming elections (coughdarlenedrakeforcircuitclerkcough), (coughrhondabarnettforcountyclerkcough)... sorry, I just cant' shake this cold.

However, all of that aside Blogjammin' is willing to make it's first endorsement for the 2006 local elections... Robbie Wright for Constable!

Wright is Right in '06!

Here comes a barrage of scary news, so to lessen the blow I've included this picture of a really, really cute kitten.


I have returned from my bout with a rather nasty illness and I'm ready to bring the ruckus, so put on your ruckus receiving attire and get ready.

In the wake of the Tallmansville mining disaster our good friends at the United States Government are helping wealthy mine owners wiggle out of fines imposed for lax safety standards and even mining deaths. In some cases coal companies are even avoiding paying out the MAXIMUM PENALTY of $60,000 for an actual mining fatality. Of course, this is to be understood, coal is a dying industry, these companies can't afford to be shelling out that kind of money... after all, Peabody Coal for example only brought in a measly 3.6 billion dollars in 2004.

In other news, the Pentagon (which only spies on terrorists) has been caught red handed keeping tabs on what may be the most dangerous group of subversives this country has ever known. Forget The Weather Underground, forget The Black Panthers, Al-Qaeda themselves may not be as dangerous as, "The Concerned Peace Moms of America!" Of course, the government reminds us that these Anti-American, pinko-Commie moms are just being monitored and we shouldn't worry ourselves... oh, and pay no attention to the new wording in the PATRIOT ACT that gives the Secret Service wider latitude to charge protesters accused of disrupting major events. That's perfectly harmless and for your own good.

Finally, please don't stick your head in the sand and ignore these Senate hearings on future Justice Alito. Yeah, they're boring, but it's good to know what these guys are saying. Of course, the Senate Democrats are so terrified of offending anyone that they refuse to ask real questions... they'd prefer to just hug and kiss (incidentally, you really need to read that link, it's hilarious). So that leaves you to find some answers for yourself regarding this sexist, racist and generally unpleasant whack job that will soon be the swing vote ruling on many of your rights.

Sorry for the boring news stuff this morning. I'll post something funny in just a bit, I promise.

The Top Tens are In!

Kevin, Aaron and I have tossed together our top ten films of the year, and on Kevin's suggestion I'm going to post them for your enjoyment. I can't speak for everyone's list, but having not seen Capote, Brokeback Mountain, A History of Violence, Munich, The Constant Gardener, Rent, King Kong, Batman Begins, etc. I can hardly call it a complete list. Having said that, please be gentle.

Kevin

1. Munich
2. Rent
3. King Kong
4. Batman Begins
5. The Constant Gardner
6. Revenge of the Sith
7. Cinderella Man
8. Harry Poter and the Goblet of Fire
9. Walk the Line
10. Wedding Crashers

Aaron

1) Munich
2) King Kong
3) A History of Violence
4) Syriana
5) The Constant Gardener
6) Wedding Crashers
7) Star Wars: Episode III
8) Kingdom of Heaven -- lots of people hate this, but I love it.
9) War of the Worlds
10) Apocalypse Now

Yeah, I know Apocalypse Now is not 2005. But, I had trouble coming up with #10 (not wanting to put Fantastic Four there because that would just be too much) and this year I saw it uninterrupted for the first time ever and it immediately vaulted into my all-time top 5.

Cory

1. Good Night and Good Luck
2. The Forty Year Old Virgin
3. Sin City
4. Walk The Line
5. The Aristocrats
6. Alexander (did this come out this year? I thought it was pretty effing good, maybe I'm just crazy)
7. Star Wars III
8. Crash
9. Saw II
10. March of the Penguins

So, there you go, feel free to make comments. I hope to see some of the aforementioned critical darlings and update my list at some point. As for Aaron and Kevin, well, they just see more movies than Roger Ebert.

Chuck Norris has two speeds: Walk and Kill. Chuck Norris knows what you've been saying about him.

Since I'm quite possibly the only person left on the planet without a copy of this book this revelation didn't quite shake me to the core. But for those of you in the Oprah Book Club (coughkevincough), here you go.

Dear Lord,

I'm writing to thank you for The Drudge Report. Without ludicrous paranoia I may be forced to go an entire day without laughing hysterically or remembering how fortunate I am to have the capacity to think.

Thanks so much.

Love,

Cory

First of all, The Pittsburgh Steelers managed to remind us all again exactly why it is that we hate the Pittsburgh Steelers last night. They also managed to send us back to a simpler time, a time when a man named John Kitna made plays that defied logic, tripped over his own feet and generally dropped the ball. Ahhh memories...

But you still gotta love the Bengals.

Now, some of you may be regular readers of Aaron Saylor's website (www.aaronsaylor.com), some may not. If you missed his most recent piece on big budget film vs. old-timey flicks and little arthouse projects I'd suggest you check it out.

Of course, I couldn't disagree more with Mr. Saylor. It's clear to any one that Steven Spielberg has only made one quality film (Amistad)... and of course that would be the one picture that Mr. Saylor admits to having never actually seen. Giant, big budget pictures are a complete waste of time. Oooh, let's put some shiny bells and whistles in, let's put a big alien right here, now get a hot body with no talent and slap her naked breasts on the screen! Hooray for cinema!

The truth is simple. Is a picture made better with a Criterion release? Absolutely. Let's face it, The Criterion Collection is yet to release a bad picture. Even if said film doesn't exactly mesh with your taste, it should still be purchased, viewed and filed away... for educational purposes if nothing else. The good people at Criterion have given us a chance to see brilliant pictures like "The Discreet Charm of the Bourgeoisie," "La Commare Secca," and "The Beastie Boys Video Anthology." In a show of good faith to the "big budget" crowd, Criterion even released what is certainly the finest Hollywood film of a generation, if not ever in "Armageddon."

Mr. Saylor may think that he knows movies, and I might think that too if I was as diluted as he is. Should we take Mr. Saylor's critique seriously? Well, in the same way that you would listen to Fred Sanford at a wine tasting... he's certainly had "wine" in his day, but he'll have trouble distinguishing the difference between a Chateau Lafite-Rothschild and a bottle of Ripple. So, Mr. Saylor, you keep your Spielberg (and your Michael Bay and Roland Emmerich) films. Personally I'll stick to people with talent and an unblemished catalogue of films... like Darren Aronofsky.

The MOVIEGUIDE review for Munich is up.

Soak it in.

Critics and awards committees have not been very kind to Steven Spielberg's new movie about the 1972 massacre of 11 Israelis at the Summer Olympics in Munich and Critics its aftermath. Yet, it's a much better movie than most of the other movies picked, especially the current favorite BROKEBACK MOUNTAIN.

Two points: (A) Did I miss something? Aren't critics being VERY kind to the film? Hasn't it made nearly every top ten list? (B) Does everything with these people have to somehow relate to Brokeback Mountain?

MUNICH is a mesmerizing, provocative work, but intelligent conservatives, friends of Israel and Christians will be disturbed by its liberal political conclusions about Israel and the War on Terror. Many will also be asking themselves, was all that blood, sex, nudity, and obscenity necessary to tell this story? MOVIEGUIDE® doesn't think they were necessary.

Mesmerizing, yet a total waste of time. Thank God for MOVIEGUIDE, I'd hate to ever think anything nasty about Israel. But what do you expect from a raging Anti-Semite like Spielberg, I mean come on, this guy makes Mel Gibson's dad look like Woody Allen.

The best damn American rock band going right now, The Hold Steady, will be playing in Atlanta on Saturday, February 4th. If anyone's interested in going just let me know. I don't expect a flood of "pick me, pick me" kinda stuff here, but it's worth a shot.

Oh, and Ryan, you can eff right off as The Hold Steady will be playing in San Diego at The Casbah on February 19th (Sunday). Hope you attend, hope you are thoroughly rocked.

Brace yourself for excitement.

Brace yourself for wonder.

Brace yourself for...











HE MAN!

Let's play a new game today, children. Let's play the "Meet A Brand New Republican Jackass Senator" game!

I guess it's just entirely too easy to get wrapped up in the Mitch McConnells, Trent Lotts, and the Bill Frists of the world. They're colorful, they're always on television, and they're always entertaining us with some sort of wacky ethics scandal after another. However, lately there's been a new kid on the block (and by new, I of course mean a six-term senator from Alaska) raising hell and taking a bit of the spotlight for himself. That man... Senator Ted Stevens (R-AK).

Now, of course Senator Ted isn't new. He's been around, irritating people, for years and years. Unfortunately, until now he hasn't gained that "household name" status as a tremendous jackass... well thankfully that's all changing.

You may remember Senator Ted for his multi-million dollar "bridge to nowhere" project, in which the "Ted Stevens Bridge" would stretch from mainland Alaska to a remote island with fewer than fifty residents. The bridge still isn't finished, and up until now I considered that to be quite easily the funniest story surrounding the non-stop laugh riot that is this thousand year old codger. I repeat... until now.

Last night the Daily Show was airing a clip of the Alaska Senator throwing what can only be described as a "hissy fit" on the floor of the Senate. Why you ask? Well, he decided to attach an ANWR drilling amendment to a bill slated to provide funding for soldiers overseas. I know, you're thinking what I'm thinking... classy! When the bill was discovered for what it was, the senate quickly voted it down, sending Teddy Ruxpin into a fit.

Now, this wouldn't be "knock-me-over-the-head" funny, had it not been for Senator Stevens' wardrobe choice for the day. Apparently the Alaska Senator and Spiderman attended a benefit to eradicate Child Pornography earlier in the year, wherein Mr. Stevens donned a fetching Incredible Hulk tie.

As you can imagine, Senator Stevens was wearing that exact same tie while giving his impassioned speech to the United States Senate. Until you've heard a man say, "In all of my years in this body, this is the worst day of my life," (perhaps a bit melodramatic) and, "I'll go to your states! I'll go to all fifty states and tell them what you've done!" while his Incredible Hulk tie flaps in the breeze, well my friends, you haven't seen a real politician in action!

So a round of drinks for you, Senator Ted Stevens, and thank you for making C-Span so damned interesting.

I've been having trouble uploading images this morning, so here's the Old Folk's Sausage guy as a test. It's GOOOOOOOOD.

"I'll take the blackened crow and maybe a piece of that humble pie for dessert."

I'm fully prepared for the points and the giggles as USC fails to knock out the Longhorns. Ugh, Texas, I'm going to begin compiling "1001 Reasons to Hate Texas Vol. 1" any time now. I'm not sure which will be worse, knowing that the trophy resides in the Lone Star State, or knowing that for the next year I'll have to hear about it every week. It's enough to make a man buy an Oklahoma bumper sticker.

Except for the Toby Keith Factor.

Robert Earl Keen and Lyle Lovett went to Texas A&M... maybe I could get behind them.

Damn, I find myself missing Nebraska. Come back, Tom Osborne, we need you.

Oh, and a round of applause to Greg Drake who picked Texas by 3... not bad.

Apparently the folks at the Westboro Baptist Church are still mad at us. But can you blame them? I mean dealing with such a superstud as Joe Martin may have left the women weak-kneed and the men questioning what it means to be a man.

Keeping our agreement with the dishonorable Sheriff Joe Martin, we met with him and his fellows at the prearranged location. It become immediately clear that (a) he had spent more time embroidering his name on his shirt, coiffing his dwindling hair, and splashing smelly toilet water on himself, than preparing his jurisdiction for this event; and (b) he was no kind of man of his word.

"I want to be beside MARTIN SCORSESE and WES ANDERSON and PAUL THOMAS ANDERSON and FRANCIS FORD COPPOLA. I'm a real director."

The following newspapers incorrectly printed a story claiming that 12 of the 13 Tallmansville miners were alive. This information was incorrect the moment that it went to press, and any small effort by any so called journalist could have confirmed this well before the story went to press. These news organizations should be ashamed of themselves, because guess what folks, not every paper in the country ran that false story. Reputable papers like the Seattle Post-Intelligencer and the Detroit Free Press held out on the story, while these did not. Shame.

New York Times Front Page
LA Times Front Page
Chicago Tribune Front Page
Boston Globe Front Page
Dallas Morning News Front Page
San Francisco Chronicle Front Page
Atlanta Journal Constitution Front Page
Baltimore Sun Front Page
Twin Cities Pioneer Press Front Page
Arizona Republic Front Page
San Antonio Express Front Page
Houston Chronicle Front Page
St. Louis Post-Dispatch Front Page
Miami Herald Front Page
Nashville Tennessean Front Page
Cincinnati Enquirer Front Page
Indy Star Front Page
FW Star Telegram Front Page
Toledo Blade Front Page
Charleston Gazette Front Page
Dominion Post Front Page

Just in case you haven't heard, CNN, Fox News, MSNBC, and all of the above ran headlines announcing that 12 of the 13 miners survived, a fact that proved to be untrue. Only one of the Tallmansville miners survived the blast, and now 11 other families are furiously demanding an explanation. The were told to wait for more information for three hours, emotions running high, while all the time their loved ones lay dead.

Oh, and for the record, those goddamn pillars of journalism at Fox News broke the story, the rest are just cowards and followers.

Ladies and Gentlemen, I present to you a photographic timeline of the Westboro Baptist Church's visit to Powell County.

...the end.

Keep these guys in your thoughts, I can't imagine what their families must be going through. With all of the modern safeguards and technologies we tend to forget that mining is still a very dangerous profession, that is until something comes around to remind us. It's strange how one little state that makes national news once a year or so could have such a high (WVU's Sugar Bowl Victory) and such a low (the Tallmansville Mining Incident) in the same day. Even though it's not looking good, we can all still hope for the best.

Happy New Year!

Hopefully everyone has fully recovered from whatever form of New Year's Eve activities in which they participated. I had the pleasure of suffering through a light cold over the past week, so my NYE excitement wound down around 1:30 AM. Good luck with all of your New Year's Resolutions and guys, let's all try to be a little nicer to each other this year. Just a suggestion, please don't yell at me!

Now, on to the important issue of the day... was it just me, or did the mighty Mountaineers roll into Georgia's back yard, bend them over a knee and show them who's boss? UGA had as good of a team as anyone this year (save USC), but Rich Rodriguez's guys have transformed from an impressive bunch of young kids into a team capable of taking it to anyone in the NCAA (save USC). Had the VA Tech game come a little later in the season we'd probably be complaining about how WVU got the Auburn treatment this year.

Mark my words, WVU will be a title contender next year.

Regarding the actual title game this year, the odds are in. USC is favored by seven points, the over/under is 69.5. Take USC and/or the over. No matter how much people want it to be so, there's not a team in the league with the defense to stop the Trojans. And, even with Vince Young's abilities to make something out of nothing, he'll have to pull out more than a few miracles to survive this one. USC wins 49-35.

Finally, Pastor Fred came and went with a whimper on Saturday. As the community prepared for a full scale war with the Westboro Baptist Church, we were treated to little more than a comic sideshow. I have to say that I was truly moved to see the community come together in such a way to demand a respectful memorial for one of our own. We managed to show Fred Phelps and his congregation that we don't tolerate that type of thing around here.

Oh, and a very special thanks to the biker who shall remain nameless (for legal reasons) that treated Westboro to a knuckle sammich. We all owe you a steak dinner.