Steve Guttenberg has finally gone stark raving mad.

A post released today from Zap2it-TV News has confirmed our worst fears, Steven Robert Guttenberg has lost his mind. I can only imagine how the years of hard living have taken their toll on a once great comedic talent. The fall from grace can be hard, but I always felt like he'd be back one day. I prefer to remember him how he was.



It's just so much easier to focus on the past accomplishments. The way that Sgt. Carey Mahoney made us laugh, the way that Michael Kellam made us feel, the way that his uncredited role in 1977's Messenger really tied the film together. I try to remember the Steve Guttenberg that had his own action figure, the Steve Guttenberg that hosted Saturday Night Live on December 13, 1986... not this shell of a man that he's become. So, Steve, if you see this, strap on that shiny silver unitard, find a new dog, you can borrow Steve Earle's Chevy Pickup! Godspeed Mr. Guttenberg, Godspeed!

(Side Note: While searching Google for Guttenberg pictures the one below came up. I have no reason for posting it other than I think it's freakin' hillarious.)

Flody County vs. an army of Copperheads. How can you not read something that features a quote like this one? "I had a light on my head and looked down and they was crawling everyway like nightcrawlers. We shot everything all to pieces, I'd say that first night we probably shot 150-200 rounds."

At least they weren't from Powel County.

If you haven't been to www.aaaronsaylor.com today, please do so, today's entry may be his masterpiece.

(Very Predictable Joke Ahead)

I've done some research on the subject, and it appears that Ronnie Milsap's #1 hit "Stranger in my House" was, in fact, penned by Mike Reid. Now, I know what you're thinking, how could he possibly have time to write the agriculture article for the Clay City Times, keep up the rat poison supply, AND write #1 hit country songs!? Well, silly, that's because the county ag agent is Mike Reed, not Mike Reid... silly. This Mike Reid is the former Cincinnati Bengal and author of such jams as "In this Life" and "Walk on Faith."

So, it makes you wonder about the lyrics. "Stranger in my house, Somebody here that I can't see." Well, being that he's Ronnie Milsap (and quite blind), wouldn't he have trouble seeing anyone, strange or familiar, in his house? In fact, let's be real here, Ronnie doesn't even know if he's in the right house. Holy shit! There's a stranger in my house... and it's Ronnie Milsap!

So after careful consideration I have to announce that Mike Reid (songwriter, not beef griller) is probably deep down a really mean guy. In fact, I hear that he actually wrote "Stranger in my House" with Ray Charles in mind. When Charles backed out he shopped it around to Stevie Wonder, then some blind guy that plays piano at the local hotel bar before finally (literally) bumping into Mr. Milsap. Shame on you, Mike Reid, SHAME!

UPDATE: Apparently Mike Reid, growing tired of his relentless assaults on the blind has now taken up a new hobby, opera. What's it about Mike, huh? Is it about some blind guy that you beat to death, or stomping on blind kittens? You sonofabitch.

The internet, once populated by guys with pocket protectors, calculators and advanced dungeons and dragons knowledge now has an oasis for those that would rather keep a safe distance from those types. That's right, enter www.beautifulpeople.net... Classy!

Unfortunately, I use a Firefox web browser, so even my browser isn't beautiful to get into the site. But those of you with Internet Explorer may want to check it out.

NEWSFLASH!

According to CNN.com the Irish Republican Army has officially disarmed! A statement released by Gerry Adams suggests that the organization and it's members will "assist the development of purely political and democratic groups through exclusively peaceful means." I guess we can all hope for the best on this one, after all, no one really wants to be labelled a "terrorist" these days. I guess it just doesn't have the mystique it once did.

Hot Banned Doonesbury Action!!


If Aaron gets to be Dr. Kenneth Noisewater, I demand to be Turd Blossom.

First of all, let me say that Gary Trudeau is funny. And by funny I mean really, really, really freaking funny. I'm sure that by now he's gotten quite accustomed to being censored in the press, as I can account for at least two instances in this year alone. But what's terribly funny is when he's censored for using the same words that our president uses.

VICTORY!!

Trivia hell is behind us! The Skulls were resurrected last night to bring about a whopping 83 points! Of course, 83 points isn't really a score to be too proud of, but (and I won't go into the 2 hour detailed explanation) we were one point away from what could have been a record setting evening.

Thanks must go to Aaron for coming out and saving the day. It amazes me how much better we do with the Saylor Man on our team. Whether he answers one question or ten we still end up doing extremely well... I guess he's our own little Tiki God. Of course, when the Brady Bunch carried around their Tiki God they were attacked by spiders... hopefully Aaron isn't secretly carrying around boxes of spiders. Bastard.

Mindy McCready is a skank. Aaron throws his hands up in defeat. But, to his credit, she is most certainly hot... or at least she was.

The Endorsements Start... Now!


Last night while lying on the couch, dozing off, I was startled to hear the sound of Steve Earle's "The Revolution Starts Now" leaping from my television speakers and waking me from a light nap. As I turned, curious to see exactly why Steve Earle was on television (had I left it on MTV, is MTV playing videos now!?) I saw a giant Chevy Truck roaring along my screen.

I wiped my eyes in amazement. What was this on my television?

Well, I'll tell you what it is, it's Steve Earle peddling Chevy pickups. Wow, what integrity. I wasn't aware that an artist that so proudly rides the line between ordinary lefty and proud socialist could become a corporate mascot. This changes everything! I now want to see Bob Marley ads for Skittles, Gil-Scott Heron pitching Zenith Televisions, and The Ramones in... well, nevermind that one.

I have no real problem with artists "selling out" to the man. Sometimes a man just needs to buy a sammich and I can understand that. But when you license out your protest song, your own personal political statement to a company that works against what you claim to be supporting, then I'll throw stones all day long. I'm sure that Steve Earle shakes his head in disgust when he sees what GM outsourcing has done to the cities it helped to build, and I'm sure he shakes his head in disgust when he sees Hummers and Suburbans roaring down the highway, sucking up 8 mpg. Unfortunately he didn't seem to shake it too much when he was offered a little bit of cash to help them sell some cars.


Maybe it's all just a clever joke. Chevy noticed that fat contract that Ford offered Toby Keith to sing endlessly about Ford Trucks and decided to appeal to the complete and total opposite demographic. At least it'll make for an interesting episode of MTV's Celebrity Death Match.

Hot new Maddox is here, go tell it on the mountain!

A quick note, The Kentucky Theater is rocking up some serious midnight movies in the coming weeks. I'm usually all talk and no action when it comes to these, but I think that's all about to change. You can hit up the theater's website here for complete details, but if you don't have the time then here's a list of some choice films not to miss:

9/2 - Donnie Darko (Director's Cut)
9/9, 9/10 - Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas
9/30, 10/1 - The Big Lebowski
10/7, 10/8 - The Goonies
10/14, 10/15 - The Shining (Kubrick)

Of course, I plan to hit all of these, but in reality there's only one that I can absolutely guarantee that I'll be attending. There's a not so subtle hint at the top. In fact, I don't think you could even classify it as hint.

Happy Birthday Jay R. Ferguson!

That's right folks, it's Jay R. Ferguson's birthday. What? You don't know who Jay R. Ferguson is!? Come on, a little show called "Evening Shade!?" Do I have to remind you that Jay R. Ferguson played little Taylor Newton, son of Wood (Burt Reynolds) and Ava (Marilu Henner) Newton?

I didn't think so.

Anyway, to celebrate Jay's birthday I'm going to go the Aaron route and suggest that you check out a few films. Saraband is getting it's American release in the coming days, of course it won't hit our area for months, but it's good to keep it in mind. It could be good, it could be terrible, but either way it's bound to be the last film Ingmar Bergman cranks out... surely. On a more local note, March of the Penguins is playing in the area and is certainly not to be missed. Finally, a piece of information that you need. Steve Carell owns your ass. He really does. I know, he called me yesterday to tell me so. This is why.

Today is Tuesday, somewhat of a holy day amongst the people I know. Tuesday is the day that so many of us, from so many places make the long pilgrimage to Mecc... I mean, Peppers for Local Trivia Action. But today isn't like every other day, you see, today I look forward to a rousing game of bar trivia with a Gorilla in the room (yes, Chad will be there, but that's not what I'm talking about). Our last bout with trivia left a few of us scarred, shaken, and conufsed. A commanding lead in the first half, an acceptable half time, and then an utter meltdown in the second half brought our score crashing down to 23. If you've never played this game, let me put it to you this way, 23 is just above flunking out of the "special classes" in high school. Twenty-three is roughly the level of intelect required to breathe, or be elected Governor of Texas.

So as I walked to my car, pondering how I was going to hold my head up and walk back into the very place where my greatest shame was exhibited to tens of people, something happened. A blinding light roared from the sky, knocking me to my knees. The sound of angels singing and the dulcet tones of harps gently filled the air. Then, in a voice soft and clear I heard, "This is for you, you'll know what to do with it."

I reached out to recieve a gilded scroll, tied with the finest velvet and scented with what can only be described as an otherworldly pleasure. As I opened the scroll the words brought tears to my eyes. I choked up, took a deep breath, and with tears now streaming down my face looked to this angel and said, "Thank you, oh Lord thank you."

Ok, first let me admit that I have stolen this directly from the good people at SomethingAwful.com. Normally I'd just let it be, but I decided that it was too good not to share.

If The Family Circus is a little too racy for your tastes then you may very well enjoy Umbert the Unborn! I'm providing a sample, unfortunately Umbert's website doesn't appear to be up yet, so for now this may be all you get. But keep an eye open, I expect BIG things from little Umbert... after all, he is "the world's most lovable unborn bay (next to yours)!"

NEWSFLASH!!

Just recieved a news tip from the grapevine. Tune in to WLEX-18 tonight for yet another Powell County update. Apparently a woman (name withheld) living in the Cane Creek region of the county has requested that the local animal control officer assist her in getting rid of a few cats... 34 to be exact. Allegedly she has around 60-70 running around the house, but she just wants rid of "the inbred ones."

As if that wasn't bad enough, she has taken to using the entire floor as a litterbox. Instead of using a standard box, or in this case boxes, she just began pouring cat litter on the floor. "The damn stink in there 'bout knocked me down." The final twist in this story is, quite possibly, my favorite. The cats have been known to make a break for it, so to keep them inside, where they belong, this Cane Creekian has covered her windows, doors, and all other possible escape points with chicken wire.

Someone tipped off the news, and as usual they're here. I know this woman, if they interview her it'll be one of the most stunning things you'll see today... watch for the mustache.

Folks, you must go here, and do it immediately. The greatest example of pure nerdery has been beautifully covered by the good people at i-mockery.com.

In case you don't have time to check out the pictures from the San Diego Comic Con, let me share just this one thing with you. WWF Superstar (and I use the term loosely) Virgil was on hand to sign autographs. If that isn't funny enough by itself, Virg was charging 20 dollars a pop for his John Hancock. The most ridiculous part of it all is that clearly (judging by the picture), someone is BUYING a TWENTY DOLLAR VIRGIL AUTOGRAPH!

In case some of you have forgotten (and it would be easy to do), Virgil was The Million Dollar Man's sidekick during the 80's. He had a pretty good run, flirted with a solo career, but will always be Ted Dibiase's bitch. Nice try Virg, but I won't be pulling out the wallet on that one.

I came across an article this morning and it confirms exactly what I'd been thinking. No one under the age 25 (and that's being generous) has the slightest idea who that old guy in the new Chrysler commercials is. It took me until the very end of the commercial to determine that he was, in fact, Lee Iacocca... but let's be realistic here, does anyone think that 20 year old has any idea who this guy is? Not to mention your average 16 year old.

And the best part is, the standard "If you can find a better car, buy it." line is backfiring as well. Here's a quote: And the Ad Age survey highlighted one snag in the campaign that features Iacocca's famous phrase... about 80 percent of survey respondents said that they could find something better. I know it's cliche, but really, who are the ad wizards that came up with this one? It's also worth mentioning that, as Aaron so shrewdly pointed out, "Isn't it weird that his last name is an acronym for I Am Chairman Of Chrysler Corporation of America?"

Ann Coulter is a man, here's the proof we've all been waiting for... eat THAT, Shane!

In case you haven't yet heard, this is a new postage stamp, released last month in Mexico... I can't figure out what all the fuss is about?